Responding to challenging behaviour in your autistic child

What is challenging behaviour in autistic children?

Challenging behaviour is behaviour that has negative effects on autistic children and other people around them.

Examples of challenging behaviour and autism

Refusing requests or ignoring instructions, which makes it hard for your family to get things done
Leaving the classroom or hiding under a table, which might affect learning
Taking off clothes in public or invading people’s personal space, which might be unsafe
Behaving aggressively or hurting themselves

Why do autistic children behave in challenging ways?

It’s important to understand why your autistic child behaves in challenging ways. When you understand, you can work out how to respond.

Your child might behave in challenging ways because they:

don’t understand other people’s social cues or expectations
have trouble with classroom learning
feel overwhelmed by sensory input
have trouble with changes in routine or transitions between activities
find it hard to understand or talk about their feelings
find it hard to manage their reactions when things happen around them
can’t do a certain routine or ritual or things don’t go to plan
are tired or don’t feel well.

Steps to guide your autistic child towards positive behaviour

It’s usually best to respond to challenging behaviour by helping your autistic child build skills for positive behaviour instead. This might include skills for:

The following steps might help.

First, choose only one behaviour to focus on.

Second, write down when and where the behaviour happens. This will help you understand the behaviour. For example, what’s happening when the behaviour occurs? Is your child hungry? Is it too noisy? Has your child’s routine changed? Keep a diary of the behaviour for 1-2 weeks.

Third, make changes based on your understanding of the behaviour. For example:

If you think your child isn’t getting dressed in the morning because they can’t do up their buttons, teach them how to do up buttons.
If you think your child is shouting when they get frustrated, teach your child to use a ‘help’ sign.
If you think your child won’t stop playing when it’s time to go out because they struggle with transitions, create a social story or a visual schedule that helps them follow their morning routine.
If you think your child runs out of the supermarket covering their ears because it’s noisy, encourage your child to use noise-cancelling headphones.

Strategies to handle your autistic child’s challenging behaviour

When your autistic child is behaving in a challenging way, these strategies can help:

consequences
clear rules
downtime or quiet time
planning.

Consequences

Consequences are things that happen after your child behaves in a particular way.

Positive consequences show your child they’ve behaved in a positive way. For example:

Your child gets more time at the park if they get ready to leave the house on time.
Your child gets screen time because they practised their reading.
Your child gets a sticker because they shared nicely or played fair.

Positive consequences are usually the best choice for guiding behaviour.

Negative consequences let your child know they need to behave differently. For example:

Your child throws a toy, so you put the toy away for 10 minutes.
Your child has a break from screen time if they use it inappropriately.

If possible, avoid restricting access to your child’s special interest as a negative consequence. And if you’re thinking about using negative consequences, it’s best for you and your child to talk about the consequences in advance. This way you can help your child understand what will happen if they behave in a particular way or break an agreed rule.

Consequences aren’t appropriate when your child is:

stimming, because stimming can help your child feel calm
having a meltdown, because meltdowns are often a sign that your child is overwhelmed and needs support.

Clear rules

Rules let your child know how they’re expected to behave and what your family limits are. If you can, it’s important to involve all family members when you’re making rules. This way you can talk about and agree on why the rules are important.

Rules work best when they say what to do, rather than what not to do. For example:

Keep your hands to yourself.
We finish homework before screen time.
We listen without interrupting when people share ideas.
We can say ‘I’m angry’ or ‘I’m upset’, but we can’t swear at each other.

Downtime

Downtime is when your child spends time alone or in a place with reduced sensory input, like dim lighting and low noise levels. It can be a useful way to help your child manage their emotions and calm down. For example, if your child is overstimulated or overwhelmed, they might be able to calm down if they spend time alone in their room reading.

Planning

It can help to plan for situations that are challenging for your child. For example, try to avoid going to new places when your child is tired. Or let your child take a favourite toy when you go somewhere that makes them uncomfortable.

Reconnect with your child after challenging behaviour by being warm, caring and affectionate. This will help to strengthen your relationship with your child and build positive family relationships. Warm and loving relationships help to lay the foundation for all areas of child and teenage development, including behaviour.

Professional help for your autistic child’s challenging behaviour

A paediatrician or psychologist can help you understand and handle your autistic child’s challenging behaviour. It can help to speak to one of these professionals if you’ve already tried a range of strategies and are still concerned about your child’s behaviour.

Looking after yourself

Looking after yourself physically, mentally and emotionally gives you the energy you need to respond to your autistic child’s challenging behaviour.

You can look after yourself by:

eating well and doing some physical activity
trying to get enough rest and sleep
making time for things you enjoy
practising self-compassion.

Even when you look after yourself, it’s natural to find your child’s behaviour challenging sometimes. And sometimes other people’s reactions to your child’s behaviour might make you feel uncomfortable, judged or embarrassed.

Getting support can help. You can try talking about your feelings with someone you trust, like your partner, a friend, your GP or a psychologist. Or you could call a parenting helpline in your state or territory.

Physical punishment – for example, smacking – isn’t a good choice for guiding your child’s behaviour. It won’t help your child learn about self-control or positive behaviour. Smacking can send the message that hurting other people is an OK way to deal with strong feelings. There’s also a risk that smacking might hurt your child. Smacking can also accidentally make the behaviour worse.