Friends and friendships: 10 frequently asked questions

1. Is it common to worry about children’s friends and friendships?

Yes. Many parents worry about whether their children have enough friends, are happy in their friendships, are getting along well with other children and so on. These worries are especially common as children become more independent and more interested in making their own friends – for example, when they start school.

Supporting your school-age child’s friendships is a great way to get to know your child’s friends and might also help put your mind at ease.

But if you’re feeling worried or anxious and your worries are interfering with everyday life, it’s a good idea to seek professional help. You could start by talking with your GP.

2. My child came home from school and said ‘No-one likes me’. What can I do?

This happens to most children at one time or another.

When your child tells you something like this, they might need some help talking about their feelings or they might prefer some quiet time. When your child is ready to talk, you can ask what happened and why your child thinks no-one likes them.

Sometimes there’s a simple solution. Your child might need to learn the rules of a new game so they can join in, or your child might need things to say so they can invite others to play with them.

If it seems to be an ongoing problem, you can talk with your child’s teacher to find out more and get help. The teacher can let you know whether your child needs help with friendship skills – for example, taking turns to choose what game is played at recess. The teacher can also suggest ways to help your child feel included. This might include using the school’s buddy program or the buddy benches in the playground.

Depending on your child’s age, you might also be able to encourage friendships by arranging after-school playdates with classmates. During playdates, you could watch your child’s play to see whether they need help with friendship skills like sharing, cooperating and resolving conflict.

You could also work on your child’s self-esteem and confidence to join in with play at school. One way to do this is by focusing on your child’s strengths and praising their efforts.

3. Is it OK that my child has only a few friends?

Yes. Some children are happy with just a few close friends or even just one friend. Your child doesn’t need to have a large group of friends to feel happy, confident and accepted.

If your child wants to make more friends, our article on supporting school-age friendships can help.

4. Why does my child seem to play with different friends each day?

In the early years of school, children often play with different children across the week. This is because they haven’t yet narrowed down their preference for particular children. As they get older, school-age children tend to have 1-2 close friends, plus a wider group of friends that they also play with.

Your child might move from one friend or group to another until they find someone who shares their interests.

Our article on play has more information about how school-age children play together, as well as some of the games they like to play.

5. We’re new to the area. How can I help my child make friends?

A good first step towards making friends is for your child to meet children of the same age at their new school. Your child might need support and encouragement to be brave and talk to children they don’t know.

Here are more tips:

Give your child plenty of opportunities to play with other children. This could be a playdate with other children from your child’s class at a family gathering or a local park.
Consider involving your child in an out-of-school activity, like sport, drama, craft or music. This can help your child meet other children who share the same interests. Let your child help to choose the activity.
Ask at school about strategies for helping new children fit in – a buddy system, for example. For more tips, read our article on moving schools.

6. My child argued with a friend at school today. How can I help my child sort it out?

At primary school, children often have disagreements with their friends, but they usually sort them out quite quickly.

When your child comes to you with a friendship problem, spend time talking and listening. This will help you find out what’s happening.

Then you could suggest ideas for sorting things out. For example, if your child’s friend is playing with someone else, your child could play with other children in a larger group. You and your child could role-play joining in. Or if your child said hurtful things, you could role-play saying sorry.

If you’re concerned, talk to your child’s teacher to find out more. If there’s a bigger issue, you can work with the teacher to sort it out. Our articles on building a relationship with your child’s school and problem-solving for parents and teachers have tips.

7. My child doesn’t talk about their school friends anymore. What can I do?

If you’ve tried talking with your child about their school friends and they don’t want to talk, here are things to try:

Get more information about what’s happening by talking with your child’s teacher. Teachers often see what happens in the playground and can give you a clear picture of what’s going on.
Ask the teacher about any conflict or friendship problems involving your child. Is your child being excluded or bullied? If so, talk to the school about what can be done to stop this. You can read more about bullying.
Suggest other people your child could talk to – for example, aunts or uncles, close family friends or a trusted sports coach or religious leader. You could also suggest a confidential telephone counselling service for children like Kids Helpline – call 1800 551 800.

8. My child isn’t invited to as many parties and playdates as other children. Should I be worried?

No, not really, particularly if it isn’t bothering your child. There are many reasons why your child might not be invited to a lot of parties and playdates. Perhaps your child has a smaller group of friends. Or perhaps your child’s friends aren’t interested in parties or playdates, or they do after-school and weekend activities.

It’s good to remind yourself that your child doesn’t need to be popular to be happy and confident.

But sometimes a playdate at your house can break the ice with a new friend (and parent) and might lead to an invitation. So make time to have children over to your house. Talk with your child about which children they’d like to invite and help your child invite them.

Supporting your school-age child’s friendships is a great way to get to know children at your child’s school and encourage healthy friendships.

If you’re still concerned, you can talk with your child’s teacher to find out what’s happening at school.

9. My child gets very upset about friendships. What can I do?

If your child has a lot of trouble making and keeping friends or gets very upset or angry about socialising, you need more information about what’s going on.

It’s best to start by asking your child’s teacher. They see what’s happening in the classroom and playground and can tell you what’s going on. You can also find out what’s happening by supporting your school-age child’s friendships and getting to know your child’s friends.

You might also want to talk to a professional. Ask your child’s teacher whether there’s a school counsellor who could help. Your GP can refer you to professionals in your area who can help you and your child.

10. My child has additional needs. How can I help with friendships at school?

A good first step to support friendships for children with disability, autistic children and children with other additional needs is to help children meet others who enjoy similar things. For example, you could ask your child’s teacher about children whose interests are similar to your child’s, or ask your child whether there’s someone in their class that they’d like to be friends with. Then you could invite potential friends to your home or on outings.

Playing and having friends involves many different skills – taking turns, sharing, listening and being sensitive to other children’s feelings. You can help your child by practising these skills together at home. Playdates can also be a good way for your child to practise these skills with help from you.

Talk with your child’s school if you think that your child’s physical challenges or learning difficulties are making it hard for your child to make friends.

You can read more information in the following articles: