What is bullying?

Bullying is when a person deliberately and repeatedly upsets, frightens, threatens or hurts another person.

Bullying can be:

• teasing, saying mean things, threatening someone or calling someone names
• deliberately ignoring someone or leaving them out of games or activities
• playing nasty jokes or spreading rumours
• pushing, tripping or hitting someone
• taking or damaging someone’s things or demanding money
• encouraging others to behave in these ways or joining in with this behaviour.

Bullying can happen face to face in schools, sports clubs, other extracurricular groups and workplaces.

Bullying can also happen online. This is called cyberbullying.

Bullying is never OK.

If friends or peers disagree or even argue or if someone says something mean once, it can be unpleasant and even nasty. But it isn’t bullying. Bullying is mean and hurtful behaviour that happens over and over again.

How bullying affects children and teenagers

Bullying can be devastating. It can harm children and teenagers in many ways:

• Self-esteem – they might feel bad about who they are and lose confidence.
• Mental health – they might worry, feel stressed or begin to feel sad or depressed.
• Physical health – they might have trouble sleeping, lose their appetite or feel physically sick.
• Social life – they might withdraw from others, avoid social settings, or feel isolated, lonely or excluded.
• School progress – they might refuse to go to school, be less engaged with schoolwork or have less interest in school and extracurricular activities.

Children and pre-teens: signs of bullying

Your child might tell you that they’re being bullied. For example, your child might say that other children are teasing them, making fun of them, putting them down, laughing at them, calling them names, ignoring them, physically hurting them or threatening them.

If your child doesn’t say anything but you’re worried, here are signs to look out for.

Physical signs
These include:

• bruises, cuts and scratches
• torn clothes
• missing property
• poor eating or sleeping
• bedwetting
• complaints about headaches or tummy aches.

School problems
Your child might:

• not want to go to school
• not want to go on school trips
• stay close to teachers during breaks
• start sitting alone
• have difficulty asking or answering questions in class
• have trouble with schoolwork or homework
• stop taking part in school activities
• stop talking about positive things that happen at school.

Social changes
Your child might avoid social events that they used to enjoy, like parties. They might not talk about doing fun things with friends anymore. Or your child might talk about:

• being excluded at lunch and recess
• losing contact with classmates after school
• being chosen last for teams and games.

Emotional and behavioural changes
Your child might:

• be unusually anxious or nervous
• seem upset, unhappy, down, teary or angry
• be withdrawn or secretive
• ask you for money or extra lunch box treats
• not seem excited or enthusiastic about things anymore.

These signs might be more obvious at the end of weekends or holidays, when your child has to go back to school.

Teenagers: signs of bullying

Teenage bullying can be hard to spot.

It’s often less physical than bullying among younger children. Also, your child might try to hide it from you and others. Your child might feel ashamed and afraid or might not want you to worry. They might deny it’s happened if you ask them about it. Often teenagers just want bullying to go away.

But there are signs of teenage bullying that you can look out for. For example, these include problems at school or emotional, behavioural or physical signs.

School problems
Your child might:

• refuse to go to school, make excuses not to go to school, or skip school and not tell you
• be unhappy or anxious before or after school
• say ‘I hate school’ or seem afraid of school
• start doing poorly at school.

Emotional changes
Your child might:

• show signs of anxiety
• seem upset, unhappy, down, teary or angry.

Behavioural changes
Your child might:

• become more and more isolated from others
• lack confidence – for example, they might say things like ‘I’m no good’ or not want to try new things
• ask you for money
• lash out unexpectedly – for example, they might slam doors or shout, ‘You don’t understand!’
• start using alcohol or other drugs.

Physical signs
Your child might:

• have trouble sleeping
• have physical injuries they can’t or won’t explain – for example, bruises or torn clothing
• come home with damaged or missing belongings
• regularly complain about headaches or stomach aches
• take less care of themselves – for example, they might not shower or brush their teeth regularly.

These signs don’t necessarily mean children or teenagers are being bullied. They could be signs of other issues, like childhood depression or pre-teen and teenage depression. But you should always take these signs seriously. If you’re concerned about your child, speak to your GP or another health professional.

When you see signs of bullying: what to do

Children and teenagers should never be left to sort out bullying on their own. It can hurt them a lot, in the short and long term.

When you see signs of bullying, the first step is to talk to your child. Then it’s important to get the help of your child’s teacher and school as quickly as you can.

Our articles on helping school-age children who are being bullied and helping teenagers who are being bullied have more information about what to do.

What if your child is the one doing the bullying? It can be hard to understand and accept, but there are things you can do if your younger child is bullying others or your teenage child is bullying others.