Teenage bullying: how to help

Teenage bullying: what teenagers need

If your child is being bullied, they need support at home and where bullying is happening. Your child needs to know that you’ll work with their school or any other organisations to prevent further bullying.

Teenagers have the right to learn, develop, socialise and work in safe and healthy environments. Protecting teenagers from being bullied and working to prevent bullying in schools and other organisations is key to creating safe environments where teenagers can thrive.

Talking with teenagers who are being bullied

Listening and talking with your child is essential. This helps you to find out what’s happening so you can take action with the school or other organisation. Calm and caring conversations will also help your child feel loved and supported.

How to talk about bullying with teenagers

Begin the conversation in a quiet, comfortable space at a time when your child is relaxed.
Use open questions. For example, ‘What did you do at lunchtime today?’, ‘Who did you hang out with?’ or ‘Is there anyone you avoid at school? Why?’
Actively listen to how your child is feeling. This includes thinking about what their body language and tone of voice are telling you about their feelings.
Gently find out more if you need to. For example, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’
Summarise the problem, but avoid trying to solve it. For example, ‘So Lulu made rude jokes about your hair 3 times this week. And Lulu encouraged other people to laugh and stay away from you too’.
Stay calm even if the situation is upsetting. If you feel angry or anxious, wait until you feel calmer before you talk with your child or others.

What to say – and not say – about bullying

Agree that there’s a problem. For example, ‘It’s not OK for Lulu to treat you like that. It’s very unkind’.
Let your child know it’s natural to feel upset. For example, ‘No wonder you’re feeling so upset about this’.
Let your child know it’s not their fault. For example, ‘You deserve to be treated with respect no matter what’.
Avoid unhelpful comments like, ‘You need to stand up for yourself’ or ‘You poor thing. Never mind, you can stay home’.
Explain why some teenagers bully. This might help your child understand that bullying isn’t their fault. For example, ‘Lulu might have been upset about things at home’.

What to say and do next

Praise your child. Talking might not have been easy, and praise will encourage your child to keep talking. For example, ‘I’m really pleased that you’ve told me about this’.
Make it clear that you’ll help. For example, ‘It sounds like things haven’t been so good. Let’s think about what we can do to make it better’.

Your child might feel too ashamed or afraid to talk to you about the bullying. If this sounds like your situation, you could suggest that your child talk to another trusted adult, like a relative or family friend or their GP. Or they could call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

Working with secondary schools on teenage bullying

If your child is being bullied at school, it’s important to get the help of the school quickly.

Schools take bullying extremely seriously, and all Australian schools have policies related to bullying. Your child’s teachers should be trained in spotting and handling bullying. They can work with you to prevent further bullying.

Here’s how to involve the school in a positive and constructive way:

Let your child know that you’re going to involve the school. Check on the best person to talk with – for example, your child’s home-room teacher, the year coordinator or the student welfare coordinator. Ask whether your child wants to be with you and what they want you to say.
Make an appointment to see the school representative.
Calmly present your concerns as a shared issue, explain the facts, and ask for the school’s views.
Explain how the bullying is affecting your child. For example, ‘Jessie doesn’t want to go to school anymore. It takes a lot of encouragement to get her there’.
Listen, and be assertive rather than angry. For example, ‘Yes, children do have disagreements sometimes. But I think this is more serious because it has happened several times’.
Ask for a copy of the school’s bullying policy. Ask how the policy will be put into action in your child’s situation.
End the meeting with a plan for managing the situation and a time for a follow-up meeting.

What if your child doesn’t want the school involved?
Your child might be embarrassed or worried that involving the school will make the bullying worse. It’s important to listen to their concerns and think about what you can do to help. For example, you might be able to make an appointment at the school at a time when other students are less likely to notice. You could also ask the school representative to make sure that the school deals with the bullying in a way that has no negative consequences for your child.

In the end, you’re the best person to decide what’s in your child’s best interests, even if that means involving the school against your child’s wishes.

Directly contacting the child doing the bullying or the child’s parents is likely to make the situation much worse. It’s always safest and most effective to work with the school (or any other organisation where bullying is happening), rather than trying to solve bullying on your own.

If teenage bullying doesn’t stop

If the bullying doesn’t stop, it’s still safest to work with your child’s school.

1. Record what’s going on
When there’s a bullying incident, get your child to write down:

exactly what happened
who did it
when and where it happened
what your child has already said or done to stop the behaviour.

If the bullying involves physical harm or damage to your child’s property, take photos. You can also get injuries checked by your GP.

If the bullying involves cyberbullying, take screenshots of the social media posts or text messages.

2. Talk with a school representative again
This time, use your record and ask for your concern to be addressed in writing.

3. Take it to the principal or other authority
If the bullying still doesn’t stop even after you’ve spoken to a school representative again, you can ask to see the school’s grievance procedure. You could also speak to the school principal, school board or school’s regional office.

It takes time for behaviour to change, so you might not see overnight results.

You know and understand your child better than anyone else. It’s important to advocate for your child if you think that the way the school is addressing the bullying doesn’t suit your child’s situation.

Support outside the secondary school system

If the bullying is extreme or violent, if criminal offences have occurred, or if you think the school has treated you unfairly or unreasonably, you have options outside the school system:

Seek legal advice.
Tell the police.
Apply to the Children’s Court for a restraining order against the person doing the bullying.
Contact the education department or your state or territory ombudsman to make a complaint.

It’s best for your child’s wellbeing and development to be in an environment where they feel safe, respected and valued. Changing schools might help, but bullying can happen again in a new school, so this is probably a last resort. If you decide that changing schools is best for your child, it’s good to get support with this process. You can ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Ask to see the new school’s bullying policy.

Supporting teenagers at home

Your child needs support and love at home while you work with the school to stop the bullying.

You can show love in ways your child likes. This might be giving your child a hug, telling them you love them, or doing something they enjoy.

Your child might not want to talk about the bullying, but you can let them know you’re there whenever they do want to chat. It’s OK to check in with them from time to time by asking, ‘How’s it going? Are things any better?’

It’s also important to reassure your child that they’re fine just as they are. You could help them come up with positive affirmations like, ‘I am an amazing artist’. You child can use these affirmations when they need a boost.

Sometimes professional support might help your child deal with bullying. You could talk to your GP or the school counsellor for more information.

What teenagers can do to cope with bullying

If your child is being bullied, you should always step in using the strategies above.

Your child can also learn ways to handle bullying when it’s happening. This gives your child skills to deal with future bullying or negative social behaviour. It also helps your child feel more confident and less powerless about being bullied.

Here are ideas for your child, along with ways to explain them to your child:

Tell the person doing the bullying to stop. You could say, ‘Calmly and firmly standing up to people who are bullying lets them know that what they’re trying to do isn’t working’.
Ignore verbal taunts, and move away if the bullying continues. You could say, ‘Don’t engage with the bully. Ignore what they say, don’t look at them and walk away’.
Avoid high-risk places. You could say, ‘If you keep away from places where bullying happens, you can avoid the people doing the bullying – as long as this doesn’t stop you from doing things you like to do’.
Identify safe places. You could say, ‘Stick to places where there are plenty of people around, especially teachers. The library, canteen or other busy places are good options’.
Stay around other people, especially people you trust. You could say, ‘If you stay with your friends, the person doing the bullying probably won’t bother you’.
Tell a staff member. You could say, ‘The student welfare coordinator can help you deal with the problem. The person doing the bullying might not even know that they’re helping you. Teachers are there to help make the behaviour stop’.

You could also talk with your child about strategies for different situations. For example, if someone is calling your child names, your child might tell the person to stop or try ignoring it. But if the person doing the bullying is being physically violent, it’s best to tell a teacher.

What if your child is the one doing the bullying? It can be hard to understand and accept. But it’s also essential to acknowledge the bullying behaviour and get professional help to change it.