Teenagers bullying others: what to do

Teenage bullying: what is it?

Bullying is when a person deliberately and repeatedly upsets, frightens, threatens or hurts another person.

Bullying can be:

teasing, saying mean things, threatening someone or calling someone names
deliberately ignoring someone or leaving them out of activities
playing nasty jokes or spreading rumours
pushing, tripping or hitting someone
taking or damaging someone’s things or demanding money
encouraging others to behave in these ways or joining in with this behaviour.

Bullying can happen face to face. It can also happen online – this is cyberbullying.

Bullying is never OK. All bullying is hurtful. When it keeps going, it can cause long-lasting harm.

Signs teenagers might be bullying others

Bullying in adolescence is generally less physical than bullying in younger children. But if you think your child might be bullying, there are signs you can look out for.

For example, your child might:

talk about certain peers in a consistently aggressive or negative way
make negative jokes about others
have money, devices or other things that don’t belong to them
show signs of racism or disrespect to people from diverse backgrounds, people with additional needs or people who look different in some way
not show healthy attitudes to gender
be secretive about mobile phones or computers
deliberately exclude others from their friendship group or activities.

These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is bullying. But if you see these signs, it’s a good idea to talk with your child about how they’re getting on with others at school, sports clubs or other organisations.

Teenagers will often deny they’re bullying others if you ask them directly. Or they might not see their behaviour as bullying. They might just dismiss it as teasing or joking. It’s more likely that you’ll find out when the school contacts you or another parent or child tells you.

When you find out teenagers are bullying others: what to do

If your child is bullying others, your child needs help.

Talk with your child about the bullying behaviour
Helping your child starts with talking. This will help you understand what’s going on. Calm and caring conversations will also help your child feel loved and supported. This is an important step towards changing the bullying behaviour and helping your child learn to treat others respectfully.

When you talk with your child, it’s important to stay calm, avoid blame, ask questions and actively listen to your child. It might help to work through these steps:

Ask your child what they know about bullying and how it affects people. If you need to, explain what bullying is.
Ask your child what they know about the bullying at their school or other organisations.
Say that you know your child has been involved in the bullying. Be firm, even if your child denies it.
Encourage your child to empathise with the people they’ve been bullying. For example, ‘How would you feel if someone did that to you?’
Tell your child that their bullying behaviour is not OK. Stay calm, but make sure your child knows that you expect it to end and that you’ll help them to make that happen.

Explore your child’s feelings and peer relationships
Sometimes teenagers bully others as a response to strong emotions or difficult peer relationships. For example:

What’s going on in your child’s life? Is something worrying them? Your child might be using bullying to get control over these feelings.
How is your child feeling? They might be using bullying to communicate anger.
Does your child feel confident about making and keeping friends? Your child might be bullying because they aren’t sure how to make new friends.
Who are your child’s peers? It’s possible that someone else is influencing your child to bully others.
Is your child being bullied themselves? Sometimes teenagers who are bullied will also bully others.

Think about influences on your child’s behaviour
Sometimes bullying behaviour is influenced by other things in teenagers’ lives. For example:

Has your child been regularly exposed to arguments, conflicts or relationship problems at home? Some teenagers are more likely to develop bullying behaviour when they see the adults in their lives treating each other disrespectfully.
How do you solve problems as a family? Teenagers need to see and practise problem-solving.
Who are your child’s role models? Some celebrities, influencers, sportspeople and older peers might not be positive influences on your child’s behaviour.
Is your child exposed to disrespectful language and aggressive behaviour on social media or in online games?

Sometimes your child might not want to talk with you about the bullying. You could suggest they talk to another trusted adult, like a relative or family friend. Or your child might be willing to talk to their GP.

When you understand what’s going on, the next step is telling your child that you’ll work with them and the school to stop the bullying. Your child needs to know that you’re taking the matter seriously. Bullying is never OK.

Working with schools: how to stop teenagers bullying others

If your child is bullying at school, working with the school is the best way to stop it. School staff are trained in preventing and addressing bullying.

You might work with your child’s teachers, the year coordinator, or the student welfare coordinator. There are several things you can do to make the process constructive and positive:

Let your child know that you’re working with the school.
Discuss the issue with the school representative, and ask what the school currently does to address bullying behaviour.
Talk with the school representative about a plan to address your child’s behaviour.
Ask what you can do from home to support the school’s approach.
End the meeting with an action plan and a time for a follow-up meeting.

Your child might be embarrassed or think that you’re over-reacting by working with the school. But learning to treat others respectfully is an important aspect of your child’s social and emotional development. The best way to support your child is working with the school, even if it’s against your child’s wishes.

Being a role model: how to stop teenagers bullying others

When you and other adults in your child’s life model respectful and caring behaviour, you help your child build the skills they need to develop positive relationships and feel good about themselves.

You can be a role model for:

talking about other people with respect and empathy – for example, ‘I know that your teacher can be grumpy sometimes, but they have a lot of knowledge to share with you’
expressing uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways – for example, ‘I feel angry just now. Could we talk about this later when I’ve calmed myself down?’
resolving conflicts constructively – for example, ‘I understand that you want more freedom to go out by yourself. But you’re 15 and I’m still responsible for your safety’
using social media posts in responsible and positive ways – for example, asking your child before you post an image of them.

If your child has a warm and positive relationship with you, they’re less likely to bully others. And when your family sets rules and standards for the way you treat each other, it helps to build positive relationships in your family. This can go a long way towards helping your child grow into a well-adjusted, considerate and caring adult.

Where to get extra help for teenagers who are bullying others

Some teenagers might need extra help to learn how to treat other children respectfully and with kindness. Counselling can help if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, anger or impulse control.

If the bullying is happening at school, you can also ask the school about support. You can start by speaking to your child’s teachers or the year coordinator, student welfare coordinator, principal or school counsellor.

Your child could also see a mental health professional who isn’t associated with their school, like a psychologist or counsellor. Your GP can help you find a suitable professional.

Confidential telephone counselling services can help if your child wants to speak to someone between appointments. Your child could call:

Lifeline on 131 114
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

Your child can get Medicare rebates for up to 10 sessions with a mental health professional. Your child will need a mental health treatment plan to claim these rebates. You can speak to your child’s GP about making a plan. You can also get Medicare rebates for visits to a paediatrician or psychiatrist.