When children are bullying others: what to do

What is bullying?

Bullying is when a person deliberately and repeatedly upsets, frightens, threatens or hurts another person.

Bullying can be:

teasing, saying mean things, threatening someone or calling someone names
deliberately ignoring someone or leaving them out of games or activities
playing nasty jokes or spreading rumours
pushing, tripping or hitting someone
taking or damaging someone’s things or demanding money
encouraging others to behave in these ways or joining in with this behaviour.

Bullying can happen face to face. It can also happen online – this is cyberbullying.

Bullying is never OK. All bullying is hurtful. When it keeps going, it can cause long-lasting harm.

Signs that children are bullying others

If your child is bullying others, someone will probably tell you – a teacher, another child’s parents, or one of your child’s siblings. Your child probably won’t tell you themselves, and they might deny it if you ask them.

Other signs of your child bullying include your child:

talking about other children in a consistently aggressive or negative way
making negative jokes about other children
having money, toys or other things that don’t belong to them.
being mean about children from diverse backgrounds, children with additional needs or children who look different in some way
showing signs of racism
not showing healthy attitudes to gender.

These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is bullying, but it’s important to stay calm and find out more. Start by talking with your child’s teacher to find out whether there’ve been any problems at school.

Not all bullying behaviour is deliberate. Some children bully others without realising the harm they’re causing. Generally, this sort of bullying will stop when you explain that your child’s behaviour is wrong or hurtful.

What to do when children are bullying others

If your child is bullying others, your child needs help. Learning to treat others respectfully is important for your child’s social and emotional development.

Helping your child starts with talking about their bullying behaviour. Talking can help you find out more about what’s happening and why. And this can help you work out whether you can change something to stop the bullying and guide your child towards more positive behaviour.

How to talk about your child’s bullying behaviour

Ask your child to tell you what bullying is. This can get a conversation started without making your child defensive.
Tell your child what bullying is. Ask them whether they think their behaviour might be bullying.
Listen to your child, and try to avoid blame.
Tell your child that their bullying behaviour is not OK. Stay calm, but make sure your child knows that you expect it to end and that you’ll help them to make that happen.
Encourage your child to empathise with the children whom they’re bullying. For example, ‘How would you feel if someone did that to you?’
Be firm, even if your child denies the bullying. ‘I know it’s hard to admit it, but this behaviour hurts you and other people. It has to stop, and we will help.’

How to work out why your child is bullying

Look and listen for signs that your child is being bullied or trying to avoid bullying. Some children bully because they’re experiencing or witnessing bullying themselves. Work with the school or club to stop the bullying.
Ask yourself whether your child is seeing bullying at home, in other places, on TV or YouTube videos, or in video games. Sometimes bullying happens because children see others doing it.
Reflect on any messages your child is getting about ‘standing up for themselves’. Sometimes comments about being strong, aggressive, assertive or ‘not a loser’ can encourage children to bully.
Think about your child’s self-esteem. Sometimes children bully others to feel more powerful or important.

How to guide your child away from bullying

Share stories with positive messages about friendship and inclusion. You could ask your local library or child’s school for suggestions.
Look for ways to show your child that your family values kindness and respect. For example, talk about a time someone was kind or gentle to you.
Point out your child’s positive social qualities. For example, they might like helping others or be a good listener. This will help them develop a positive sense of themselves.

Working with schools when children are bullying

If your child is bullying at school, the best way to stop it is by working on the bullying with the school. School staff should be trained in handling bullying. They can work with you to prevent further bullying and help your child learn to treat others respectfully.

There are several things you can do to work with your child’s school in a constructive and positive way:

Let your child know that you’re working with the school to help them.
Discuss the problem with your child’s teacher, and ask what the school does in these situations. For example, ask them about their bullying policy and support programs for your child, especially if your child has been bullied themselves.
Ask what you can do from home to support the school’s approach.
Work with the school on a plan for managing the situation, and set a time for a follow-up meeting.

Your child might be embarrassed or think that you’re over-reacting by working with the school. But learning to treat others respectfully is an important aspect of your child’s social and emotional development. The best way to support your child is by working with the school, even if it’s against your child’s wishes.

It’s best to do something about bullying sooner rather than later. You have the most influence on your child’s bullying behaviour while they’re young. The younger your child is, the more likely they are to change the way they behave.

What to do if children continue to bully

If this isn’t the first time your child has bullied and you’ve already tried the suggestions above, you might need to take further steps.

If the bullying is happening at school or a club, working with the organisation will give you the best chance of changing your child’s behaviour.

Your child might need counselling to help them stop bullying and develop more positive ways of relating to other children. Counselling can help if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, anger or impulse control. If the bullying is happening at school, the school might offer counselling or refer you to someone else.

Your child can also see a mental health professional who isn’t associated with their school. Your GP can help you find local professionals and give you a referral if you need it.

Confidential telephone counselling services like Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 can help if your child wants to speak to someone between appointments.

How to prevent bullying in the future: being a role model

Preventing bullying is about helping children learn how to behave towards others with empathy, respect and care.

When you and other adults in your child’s life model respectful and caring behaviour, you help your child build the skills they need to develop positive relationships and feel good about themselves. This can be as simple as making sure your child always hears you talking about other people with respect and empathy. For example, ‘I know that your teacher can be grumpy sometimes, but they have a lot of experience and knowledge to share with you’.

It’s great if your child sees that your social media posts are always kind and respectful too.

You can also help your child learn to express anger or negative emotions in healthy ways. For example, if you feel angry, you could say something like, ‘I feel angry just now. Could we talk about this later when I’ve calmed down?’

And if you have a conflict with your child or somebody else, it can be a chance to show your child how to resolve conflicts constructively. For example, it often works best to listen to your child, express your own feelings without judgment, and look for ways to negotiate and compromise.

This lets your child know that you can talk about feelings without acting on them.

If your child has a warm and positive relationship with you, they’re less likely to bully others. And when your family sets rules and standards for the way you treat each other, it helps to build positive relationships in your family. This can go a long way towards helping your child grow into a well-adjusted, considerate and caring adult.