Sexuality: pre-teens and teenagers

About teenage sexuality

Sexuality is a part of who your child is and who they’ll become. Sexuality develops and changes throughout your child’s life. Feeling comfortable with their sexuality and sexual identity is essential to your child’s healthy development.

Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about how your child:

feels about their developing body
makes healthy decisions and choices about their own body
understands and expresses feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
develops and maintains respectful relationships.

Your child’s beliefs and expectations about sex and sexuality are influenced by their personal experiences, upbringing and cultural background.

You’re your child’s most important role model. You can help your child by modelling and reinforcing values and beliefs about safety, responsibility, honest communication and respect in relationships by treating your partner with respect and talking about how to stay safe.

Understanding teenage sexual behaviour, sexual attraction, sexual identity and gender identity

Most teenagers will experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage – this is a normal, natural and powerful urge in these years. But not all teenage relationships include sex.

Teenagers are also maturing emotionally and socially. They might want romantic intimacy and ways to express love and affection. And they might be curious and want to explore adult behaviour.

Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of the opposite sex, some are attracted to people of the same sex, and some are bisexual. Some teenagers might express no sexual interest.

Sexual attraction and sexual identity aren’t the same. Young people who are same-sex attracted might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual or pansexual.

Sexual attraction is also different from gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither. Gender identity might or might not be reflected in a young person’s sexual orientation and their choices about romantic or sexual partners.

Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.

Promoting open communication about teenage sexuality

Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online and through social media. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.

If you talk about sex and sexuality with your child, it will help them sort through the many messages they get about sexuality from other sources. It can also help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future.

These conversations might not feel comfortable at first, but you can make them easier by:

using everyday opportunities to talk about sexuality – for example, when you hear something on the radio together, or see something relevant on TV
letting your child know that you’re interested in seeing things from their perspective – for example, asking them what they think about sexual identity
being ready to talk about issues or concerns when your child raises them, and assuring your child that they don’t need to feel embarrassed
being honest if you don’t know the answer to a question – you could suggest that you look for the answer together
asking your child what they already know, then adding new information and clearing up any misconceptions
using active listening skills.

It’s normal for you and your child to feel awkward when you’re talking about sex and sexuality. Our article on handling difficult conversations has ideas for managing those uncomfortable moments.

Talking with your child about sexuality

Here are some ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.

Start conversations early
There’s no perfect time to start talking about sexuality, but conversations from a young age can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are a normal, healthy part of life. Early conversations can help make later ones easier.

Be prepared
Your child might ask you all sorts of questions, so it’s good to check your understanding of puberty, periods, contraception, wet dreams, masturbation and more.

It might also help to think in advance about your values and beliefs so you can be clear and consistent with your child. For example, if your child feels confused about their feelings for someone and asks you about same-sex attraction, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. So sorting out your own feelings about this issue in advance is a good idea.

Talk about the really important stuff
There are some things it’s really important for every young person to understand:

Consent is essential to healthy, respectful and safe sexual experiences. It might help your child to know that getting and giving consent can be a sexy and enjoyable part of their sexual experiences. Constant communication is key to this.
‘Safe sex’ means protecting against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your child can do this by using condoms if they’re sexually active.
If your child is sexually active, it’s important to be tested for chlamydia – this condition is usually symptomless and is very common in young people of both sexes.
Your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including their GP. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything they want.

Choose your words carefully
It’s important to pitch your language and terminology at a level that’s right for your child.

Read your child’s signals
Look out for signs that show that now isn’t the right time for a ‘big talk’, like when your child is busy, tired or distracted. You can always try again later.

It’s a good idea to make your ground rules clear to your child from very early on – that way, your child will understand your values and expectations about behaviour. For example, a rule might be that your child treats others with respect and always checks on consent before and during sexual activity. But with other, less important issues, you might choose to negotiate with your child and set the boundaries together, so they feel involved and listened to.

Young people with additional needs

Talking about sex and sexuality is just as important for children with additional needs.

Your child needs information that’s relevant to them in a way they can understand. When you’re talking about sexuality with your child with additional needs, consider their:

decision-making skills
ability to think through the outcomes of actions
knowledge of boundaries, privacy and intimate relationships – this will help you fill in any gaps, and clarify misunderstandings
understanding of the risks associated with some behaviour.

Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need extra help to build the social skills and understanding that go along with sexual development. Our article on sexual development and autistic teenagers explains.