What is sexuality?
Sexuality is a part of your child’s identity – who your child is and who they’ll become. It includes sexual behaviour, attraction and identity, but it’s about much more than sex.
For example, sexuality is also about how your child:
- feels about their developing body
- makes healthy decisions and choices about their own body
- understands and expresses feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
- develops and maintains respectful relationships.
How does sexuality develop?
Your child’s feelings about and experiences of sexuality might be influenced by social, family and cultural ideas, attitudes and beliefs about things like:
- love, sex and relationships
- normal bodily functions like menstruation
- bodies, including weight, appearance and disability
- gender
- consent.
Your child’s feelings might also be influenced by TV, movies and online content, including pornography.
You have a big role to play in helping your child manage these influences, learn that their feelings, experiences and boundaries matter, and develop in a healthy way.
Sexual behaviour, sexual attraction, sexual identity and gender identity: what are they?
Your child’s sexuality includes their sexual behaviour, attractions and identity.
What is sexual behaviour?
In the adolescent years, many young people become interested in romantic or sexual behaviour during adolescence, and others don’t. There’s a lot of variation in sexual behaviour at this age, and most behaviour is a typical part of development.
You can read more in our articles on sexual behaviour at 10-11 years, sexual behaviour at 12-14 years and sexual behaviour at 15-7 years.
What is sexual attraction?
Young people might be sexually attracted to people of the same gender, a different gender or more than one gender, or they might not feel much sexual attraction at all. These feelings often emerge gradually and can change over time as young people learn more about themselves.
What is sexual identity?
Sexual identity includes labels like lesbian, gay, bisexual, heterosexual, pansexual or asexual, although not all young people relate to labels like these.
Some young people are clear about their sexual identity, whereas it’s a more fluid experience for others. It’s also common for sexual identity to shift as young people grow and gain confidence.
You can read more in our article on coming out.
What is gender identity?
Gender identity is a person’s inner sense of who they are. For some, this is a boy or girl. For others, gender identity might be both boy and girl or neither. Or it might be another identity altogether.
You can read more in our article on gender diversity.
Why it’s important to talk with your child about sexuality
Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.
When you talk with your child about sex and sexuality, you help them interpret the messages they get from other sources. These conversations can help your child set boundaries, understand consent, and make informed choices that keep them safe.
It’s natural for you and your child to feel awkward when you’re talking about sex and sexuality. Our article on handling difficult conversations has ideas for managing uncomfortable moments.
How to talk with your child about sexuality
Here are ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.
Start conversations early
It’s good to start talking about sexual topics when your child is young. Early conversations can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are normal, healthy parts of life. They can also make later conversations easier. And these conversations help to build a close and trusting relationship between you and your child.
Get informed
Your child might have questions about bodies, gender diversity, puberty, sexual activity or love.
This means it’s a good idea to update your understanding of issues and topics like these. You don’t need to be an expert — you can learn alongside your child or ask what they’re covering at school.
It also helps to think in advance about your values. For example, if your child asks you about being attracted to people of the same gender, it’s good to respond positively and non-judgmentally. But to do this, you might need to sort out your own feelings first.
Be ready to talk
Regular, everyday conversations often work better than ‘big talks’. This means being ready for opportunities to talk – for example, when you’re watching or listening to something with your child or when your child raises an issue. When these situations come up, let your child know they don’t need to feel embarrassed.
Be ready to listen
It’s good to let your child know that you’re interested in seeing things from their perspective. For example, ‘What do you think are some good reasons and bad reasons for becoming sexually active?’ And when your child shares their thoughts, feelings and experiences, active listening can show your child that you care and are interested.
Try a 3-step process for talking
Here’s how:
- Find out what your child already knows. For example, ‘What have you heard?’ or ‘What do your friends think?’
- Clear up any misconceptions, add new information or explain things at the right level for your child.
- Talk it through together – for example, ‘How would you handle that?’ or ‘What feels right to you?’
If your child has questions, try to answer them openly, but be honest if you don’t know the answer. You could suggest that you look for the answer together.
Sexuality topics to talk about
It’s very important for all young people to understand the following issues:
- Respectful romantic relationships – talk about what makes relationships feel good, like trust, kindness and equal decision-making. It’s also important to explain signs of disrespect, imbalance or control in relationships.
- Consent – you can explain the legal definition of consent, but it’s also important to talk about how to negotiate consent in real-life situations.
- Sexual health – your child needs to know how to protect themselves against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. They can do this by using condoms if they’re sexually active.
- Advice and support – your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including a GP. Your child can see a GP confidentially if they want to. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything they want.
Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. What matters most is that your child knows you’re a safe person to turn to. Your acceptance is very important for your child’s healthy development and wellbeing.
Young people with additional needs
Teenagers with additional needs have the same interest in – and need for information about – romance, relationships and intimacy as other teenagers. Rates of sexual activity are the same across all teenagers, both with and without disability.
If your child has additional needs, it’s important to give them information in a way they can understand. When you’re talking about sexuality with your child, consider their:
- decision-making skills
- ability to think through the outcomes of actions
- knowledge of boundaries, privacy and intimate relationships
- understanding of the risks associated with some sexual behaviour.
This will help you fill in gaps and clarify misunderstandings.
You can read more in our articles on sex education for young people with disability and sexual development and autistic teenagers.