Gender and children

Your child’s gender identity is part of their sense of who they are – a boy, a girl, both or neither. Gender is part of your child’s social and personal identity. It’s also part of how other people see them.

Your child might identify as cisgender. This is when your child’s gender is the same as their presumed gender based on their sex characteristics at birth.

Or your child might identify as gender diverse, which includes a range of gender identities:

• Trans – your child’s gender identity is different from their presumed gender based on their sex characteristics at birth.
• Non-binary – your child’s gender identity is neither soley a boy nor solely a girl, or it’s a blend of boy and girl.
• Gender fluid – your child moves between gender identities.
• Agender – your child doesn’t identify with any gender.

Or your child might use another term to identify their gender. For example, some Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people use the terms sistergirl and brotherboy to describe trans girls and trans boys.

Your child might discover or understand more about their gender identity over time. This might mean they express this identity in new or different ways.

Most children grow up thinking of themselves as a girl or a boy and don’t question their gender. But in all cultures, there are some children and teenagers who identify as a gender that’s different from their presumed gender.

How children and teenagers express gender

Gender expression is how children show their gender. This might be through their name, pronouns, clothes, behaviour, hairstyle or voice.

Almost all children begin expressing their gender identity at around 2-3 years. They do this in the way they talk about themselves and through the clothes they choose. Children can be very firm about their gender from an early age. For example, toddlers often proclaim ‘I’m a boy!’ or ‘I’m a girl!’

Many trans or gender-diverse children also express their gender identity at around 2-3 years. They can be firm about their gender too. For example, a child might get angry when people call them a boy or girl, refuse to wear particular clothes, or say that they’re a different gender.

Other trans or gender-diverse children might start to talk about their gender identity being different when they’re at primary school. For some, this happens after puberty, and some might not know or express this until they’re well into adulthood.

It’s common for all children and teenagers to experiment with gender. For example, your daughter might refuse to wear skirts or dresses, or your son might want to play ‘mum’. For most children and teenagers, experimenting with gender expression doesn’t mean that they’re trans or gender diverse. Children and teenagers can find many ways to express presumed gender.

A person’s gender identity is different from their sexual orientation, which is to do with romantic or sexual attraction. It’s also different from having intersex variations. This is when people are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit medical and social norms for female and male bodies.

Gender dysphoria

Gender dysphoria is when your child feels distressed because their gender identity differs from their presumed gender.

Not all trans or gender-diverse children have gender dysphoria. Some children are comfortable identifying as a gender that’s different from their presumed gender. And being trans or gender diverse or experimenting with gender expression isn’t a problem unless your child seems upset or distressed about their gender.

But some children do experience gender dysphoria. The distress they feel might be related to the way they think and feel about their body. It might also be related to things like bullying, stigma or discrimination at school or other places. This distress might affect their school life, home life and mental health.

You can support your child with gender dysphoria by showing that you love and accept them as they are and know themselves to be. It’s also good to talk with them about what they’re experiencing.

Young children: signs of gender dysphoria

If you think your young child has gender dysphoria, there are signs you can look out for.

Your child might:

• insist they’re a different gender – for example, they might say ‘I’m a girl, not a boy’
• get upset or angry if they’re called a boy or girl, or brother or sister, or anything else that’s gender specific
• get upset or angry during everyday activities like having a bath or getting dressed
• show signs of childhood anxiety like not doing as well as usual at school, having tantrums, or not wanting to take part in usual activities, especially gendered activities like sport
• go to the toilet in a way that’s associated with a different gender – for example, they might stand up to urinate when you’d expect them to sit down
• ask you to call them by a different name and use a different pronoun like ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’
• ask questions about their gender – for example, ‘When will my vagina turn into a penis?’
• not like their external sex characteristics or want characteristics of a different gender – for example, your child might say, ‘I want this off’ or ‘I don’t want to grow breasts when I grow up’.

Teenagers: signs of gender dysphoria

If you think your teenage child has gender dysphoria, there are signs you can look out for.

Your child might:

• tell you that their gender identity differs from their presumed gender or tell you that they feel unsure about their gender
• ask you to call them by a different name and use a different pronoun like ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘they’
• want to get rid of or change their external sex characteristics – for example, your child might say they want to use medication to become more masculine or feminine
• start wearing clothes that hide their body, like a chest binder
• show signs of teenage anxiety, especially in social situations
• show signs of depression – for example, not wanting to take part in activities, particularly gendered activities like sport
• harm themselves – for example, by scratching, cutting or biting themselves
• start refusing to go to school or want to change school uniforms
• show signs of hopelessness about their future or have suicidal thoughts related to their body, gender or experiences of bullying or discrimination to do with their body or gender.

If your child identifies as a gender that’s different from their presumed gender based on their sex characteristics at birth, your child might want or need to affirm their gender identity. For many trans or gender-diverse children and young people, affirming their gender identity is about openly acknowledging a gender that they already feel themselves to be. For trans or gender-diverse children with gender dysphoria, it’s essential for their health and wellbeing.