Autistic teens & sexual development: parent guide

Sexuality and autistic teenagers

Sexuality is a part of your child’s identity – who your child is and who they’ll become. It includes sexual behaviour, attraction and identity, but it’s about much more than sex.

For example, sexuality is also about how your child:

feels about their developing body
makes healthy decisions and choices about their own body
understands feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
develops and maintains respectful relationships.

Sexuality is essential to healthy overall development.

Sexual development in autistic teenagers

Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same physical way as other teenagers do, but they might need support to navigate the social and emotional aspects of sexual development.

Just like other young people of the same age, your autistic child might be more or less interested in sex, sexuality and romantic relationships – which might or might not be sexual.

More information about what to expect

Sexual orientation and autistic teenagers

Some autistic teenagers are sexually attracted to people of a different gender, some are attracted to people of the same gender, and some are attracted to people of all genders.

Some autistic teenagers won’t specify their sexual orientation, and others might identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian, bisexual or pansexual. Or they might identify as asexual and be uninterested in sex.

A person’s sexual identity is to do with romantic or sexual attraction. It’s different from their gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither.

Your autistic child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.

Sexual desire and autistic teenagers

Some autistic teenagers might find it hard to understand feelings of sexual desire in themselves and others.

This is because they might not notice or understand internal feelings. This can make it harder for them to recognise feelings like sexual attraction, arousal or romantic connection. Or they might have difficulty identifying and naming feelings.

How to help your autistic child understand sexual desire

You can build your child’s understanding by helping them break down feelings of sexual desire into thoughts, body sensations and behaviour.

For example, if your child is sexually attracted to someone, they might have:

thoughts – they think about the person a lot
body sensations – they have a tingly feeling in their stomach or get an erection when they’re near the person
behaviour – they try to find ways to be around the person.

You could use social stories or visual supports to explain these concepts to your child.

Sexual intimacy and relationships for autistic teenagers

As your autistic teen goes through puberty and learns about sexual feelings, you’ll need to talk with them about being sexually intimate and having sex.

Key messages for your autistic teen

Sexual relationships are a natural part of life.
Your teen doesn’t have to have sexual relationships if they don’t want to.
Your teen shouldn’t have sex to be popular or because their peers say they should.

Sexual cues

To successfully navigate intimacy and sex, your child also needs to learn about sexual cues from other people. When your child knows how to interpret other people’s sexual cues, it can build your child’s confidence and keep your child safe.

Explaining sexual cues can help. For example, ‘Someone might be interested in having sex if they’ve been kissing or touching you and then invite you into their bedroom’.

Sexual consent

Getting and giving sexual consent is essential for any sexual activity. When your autistic child understands consent, they’re more likely to have healthy, respectful, safe and enjoyable sexual experiences when they’re ready for them.

Talking about consent can be part of talking about sexual cues. For example, ‘If you want to have sex with another person, you must ask them if they want to have sex. You must not do anything the other person doesn’t want to do’.

Knowing about sexual consent can also protect autistic children of all ages against sexual abuse and prevent them from engaging in problematic or harmful sexual behaviour.

Sexual health for autistic teenagers

If your autistic child is sexually active, they need to know about protecting their sexual health.

Condoms

Make sure your child knows about using condoms to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. You can use visual supports to show your child how to put on condoms. Practising on a suitably shaped object can help your child learn how to do it correctly.

Chlamydia

If your child is sexually active, it’s important for your child to get tested for this condition. It’s usually symptomless and is very common in young people of both sexes.

Genitals

Make sure your child knows about cleaning their genitals, seeking medical attention and talking to trusted carers or professionals if they need help.

You and your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including the GP. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything. But if you think your child would be more comfortable with someone else, they could talk to a sibling, a friend or another family member.

Masturbation and autistic teenagers

Masturbation is a natural activity for children going through puberty.

You can let your autistic child know that masturbation is natural, but encourage them to masturbate only in a private place when they’re alone. It might help to compare masturbating to other activities that your child does in private, like having a shower or going to the toilet.

You might need to help your child recognise private places. A private place is somewhere in their own home where other people can’t see them. You might also need to make a list of private places with pictures or photos.

A list of private places might include:

the bedroom with the door and the curtains closed
the toilet in your own home with the door closed
the shower in your own home with the bathroom door closed.