Sex, sexuality and sexual development
Sexuality is more than sex. It’s also how your child:
- feels about their developing body
- understands feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
- develops and maintains respectful intimate relationships.
Sexuality is essential to healthy overall development.
Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need extra help to build the social skills and understanding that go along with sexual development.
Your child will be more or less interested in sex and sexuality – just like other children the same age. Your child can develop romantic relationships too, which might or might not be sexual.
Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of the opposite gender, some are attracted to people of the same sex, and some are bisexual.
Sexual attraction and sexual identity aren’t the same. Young people who are same-sex attracted might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual.
Sexual feelings and autistic teenagers
Many autistic teenagers can find it hard to understand sexual feelings – in themselves and others.
You can build your child’s understanding by helping them break sexual feelings down into thoughts, body sensations and behaviour. For example, if your child is sexually attracted to someone, they might have:
- thoughts – they think about the person a lot
- body sensations – they have a tingly feeling in their stomach or they get erections when they’re near the person
- behaviour – they try to find ways to be around the person.
You could use social stories or visual supports to talk with your child about sexual feelings.
It can also be hard for autistic teenagers to express sexual feelings. If your child does find this difficult, they might be more likely to do inappropriate or risky things or get into unhealthy relationships. These ideas can help:
- Practise social interactions with your child using role-play. For example, you could role-play talking to someone at the park or a party, or asking someone to go to the movies. You could also role-play what to do if the person says ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to going to the movies.
- Set some clear rules about how to do things like inviting someone on a date. For example, ‘You can ask someone out once. If they say they’re not free, you can ask them again another time. If they say no again, even if they give you an excuse, you shouldn’t ask again’.
- Set some boundaries about appropriate behaviour. For example, following someone around or frequently contacting them online isn’t OK.
A person’s sexual orientation is to do with romantic or sexual attraction. It’s different to their gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither.
Sexual relationships and sexual health for autistic teenagers
As your autistic child goes through puberty and learns about sexual feelings, you’ll need to talk with them about sexual relationships.
It’s important for your child to know that sexual relationships are a normal part of life, but your child doesn’t have to have sexual relationships if they don’t want to. They don’t have to have sex to be popular or because their peers say they should.
Your child also needs to learn about sexual cues from other people. When your child knows how to interpret other people’s sexual cues, it can build your child’s confidence, keep your child safe, and prevent your child from unintentionally harming others.
Explaining sexual cues can help. For example, ‘Someone might be interested in having sex if they’ve been kissing or touching you and then invite you into their bedroom. If you want to have sex with them, you must ask them if they want to have sex. You must not do anything the other person doesn’t want to do’.
And if your child is sexually active, these essential steps can protect your child’s sexual health:
- Condoms: make sure your child knows about using condoms to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. You can use visual supports to show your child how to put on condoms. Practising on a suitably shaped object can help your child learn how to do it correctly.
- Chlamydia: it’s important for your child to get tested for this condition. It’s usually symptomless and is very common in young people of both sexes.
- Genitals: make sure your child knows about cleaning their genitals, seeking medical attention and talking to trusted carers or professionals if they need help.
You and your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including the GP. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything. But if you think your child would be more comfortable talking to someone else, a sibling, friend or other family member could also be an option.
Consent and safety for autistic teenagers
In every intimate sexual situation, the most important things for your child are consent and safety:
- Consent means that your child needs to feel OK about any kind of sexual activity. The other person needs to be OK with it too.
- Your child has the right to say ‘no’. All young people have the right to control what happens to their bodies, and your child should never feel pressured into doing anything that doesn’t feel right.
- Safety means that the experience is respectful and non-violent.
Protecting autistic teenagers from sexual abuse: good touch and bad touch
Autistic people can be vulnerable to sexual abuse because they don’t always recognise when something isn’t right. So you might need to explicitly teach your child the difference between good touch and bad touch.
For example, good touch is something that friends and family might do to show they care for each other. These touches might include a handshake to say hello, a hug or a kiss. A bad touch is something that feels wrong or uncomfortable, like a stranger asking for a kiss.
You might also need to explain that a touch might be a good touch for one person, but the same touch might be a bad touch for someone else. For example, one person might like to be tickled (this is a good touch), whereas someone else might not enjoy being tickled (this is a bad touch). Or it’s OK to kiss a close friend or family member hello if you see them in the street, but it’s not OK to kiss a stranger hello.
Visual supports showing appropriate and inappropriate touching can help. Social stories might also be useful. Here’s an example of a social story.
A social story about bad touch
Bad touch is something that makes me feel confused and uncomfortable.Here are some examples of bad touch.
Someone touches me in my private areas when I don’t want them to.
Someone hits me.
Someone touches me and makes me feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Someone kisses me when I don’t want them to.
It makes a difference who is giving me the touch.
Hugs, kisses and touches from people I know and love can be good touches.
The same touches from people I don’t know and love can be bad touches.
Masturbation and private places for autistic teenagers
Masturbation is a natural activity for children going through puberty.
You can let your autistic child know that masturbation is normal – but encourage your child to masturbate only in a private place when they’re alone. It might help to compare masturbating to other activities that your child does in private, like having a shower or going to the toilet.
You might need to help your child recognise private places. A private place is somewhere in their own home where other people can’t see them. You might also need to make a list of private places with pictures or photos.
Here’s an example of a list of private places for your child:
- the bedroom with the door and the curtains closed.
- the toilet in your own home with the door closed.
- the shower in your own home with the bathroom door closed.
You could also put a ‘private’ sign on the door of your child’s private place in the house – for example, their bedroom. But do make sure that your child understands that if another room – for example, at school – says ‘private’ on it, it doesn’t mean that it’s a suitable place to masturbate.
You might also want to make a rule that people should knock on all bedroom doors before going in. Make sure that everyone who visits your home knows the rule.
You’ll probably need to go over these messages many times with your child. Try to be patient with your child – and yourself. It might help to share experiences and get support from other parents. You could try online or face-to-face support groups.