Sexuality and sexual development: autistic teenagers

Sex, sexuality and sexual development

Sexuality is more than sex. It’s also how your child:

feels about their developing body
understands feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
develops and maintains respectful intimate relationships.

Sexuality is essential to healthy overall development.

Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need support to build the social skills and understanding that go with sexual development.

Your child might be more or less interested in sex and sexuality – just like other children the same age. Your child can develop romantic relationships too, which might or might not be sexual.

Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of a different gender, some are attracted to people of the same gender, and some are attracted to people of all genders. And regardless of who they’re attracted to, teenagers might or might not identify as heterosexual, gay, lesbian or bisexual. Or they might identify as asexual and not be interested at all.

Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.

Sexual feelings and autistic teenagers

Some autistic teenagers might find it hard to understand sexual feelings in themselves and others.

You can build your child’s understanding by helping them break down sexual feelings into thoughts, body sensations and behaviour. For example, if your child is sexually attracted to someone, they might have:

thoughts – they think about the person a lot
body sensations – they have a tingly feeling in their stomach or they get erections when they’re near the person
behaviour – they try to find ways to be around the person.

You could use social stories or visual supports to talk with your child about sexual feelings.

And some autistic teenagers might find it hard to express sexual feelings. As a result, they might do inappropriate or risky things or get into unhealthy relationships. These ideas can help:

Practise social interactions with your child. For example, you could role-play talking to someone at a party or asking someone to go to the movies. You could also role-play what to do if the person says yes or no to going to the movies.
Set clear rules about how to do things like inviting someone on a date. For example, ‘You can ask someone out once. If they say they’re not free, you can ask them again another time. If they say no again, even if they give you an excuse, you shouldn’t ask again’.
Set boundaries about appropriate behaviour. For example, following someone around or frequently contacting them online isn’t OK.

A person’s sexual orientation is to do with romantic or sexual attraction. It’s different from their gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – male, female, both or neither.

Sexual relationships and autistic teenagers

As your autistic child goes through puberty and learns about sexual feelings, you’ll need to talk with them about sexual relationships.

It’s important for your child to know that sexual relationships are a normal part of life, but your child doesn’t have to have sexual relationships if they don’t want to. They don’t have to have sex to be popular or because their peers say they should.

Your child also needs to learn about sexual cues from other people. When your child knows how to interpret other people’s sexual cues, it can build your child’s confidence and keep your child safe.

Explaining sexual cues can help. For example, ‘Someone might be interested in having sex if they’ve been kissing or touching you and then invite you into their bedroom. If you want to have sex with them, you must ask them if they want to have sex. You must not do anything the other person doesn’t want to do’.

When your child knows about getting and giving sexual consent, they’re more likely to have healthy, respectful, safe and enjoyable sexual experiences when they’re ready for them. Knowing about sexual consent can also protect autistic children of all ages against sexual abuse and prevent them from engaging in problematic or harmful sexual behaviour.

Sexual health for autistic teenagers

If your child is sexually active, these essential steps can protect your child’s sexual health:

Condoms: make sure your child knows about using condoms to protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. You can use visual supports to show your child how to put on condoms. Practising on a suitably shaped object can help your child learn how to do it correctly.
Chlamydia: it’s important for your child to get tested for this condition. It’s usually symptomless and is very common in young people of both sexes.
Genitals: make sure your child knows about cleaning their genitals, seeking medical attention and talking to trusted carers or professionals if they need help.

You and your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including the GP. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything. But if you think your child would be more comfortable talking to someone else, a sibling, friend or other family member could also be an option.

Protecting autistic teenagers from sexual abuse: good touch and bad touch

Autistic people can be vulnerable to sexual abuse if they don’t recognise when something isn’t right. You might need to explicitly teach your child the difference between good touch and bad touch.

For example, good touch is something that friends and family might do to show they care for each other. These touches might include a handshake to say hello, a hug or a kiss. A bad touch is something that feels wrong or uncomfortable, like a stranger asking for a kiss.

You might also need to explain that a touch might be a good touch for one person, but the same touch might be a bad touch for someone else. For example, one person might like to be tickled (this is a good touch), whereas someone else might not enjoy being tickled (this is a bad touch). Or it’s OK to kiss a close friend or family member hello if you see them in the street, but it’s not OK to kiss a stranger hello.

Visual supports showing appropriate and inappropriate touching can help. Social stories might also be useful. Here’s an example of a social story.

A social story about bad touch
Bad touch is something that makes me feel confused and uncomfortable.
Here are some examples of bad touch.
Someone touches me in my private areas when I don’t want them to.
Someone hits me.
Someone touches me and makes me feel unsafe or uncomfortable.
Someone kisses me when I don’t want them to.
It makes a difference who is giving me the touch.
Hugs, kisses and touches from people I know and love can be good touches.
The same touches from people I don’t know and love can be bad touches.

Masturbation and private places for autistic teenagers

Masturbation is a natural activity for children going through puberty.

You can let your autistic child know that masturbation is natural – but encourage your child to masturbate only in a private place when they’re alone. It might help to compare masturbating to other activities that your child does in private, like having a shower or going to the toilet.

You might need to help your child recognise private places. A private place is somewhere in their own home where other people can’t see them. You might also need to make a list of private places with pictures or photos.

A list of private places might include:

the bedroom with the door and the curtains closed
the toilet in your own home with the door closed
the shower in your own home with the bathroom door closed.

You could also put a ‘private’ sign on the door of your child’s private place in the house – for example, their bedroom. But do make sure that your child understands that if another room – for example, at school – says ‘private’ on it, it doesn’t mean that it’s a suitable place to masturbate.

You might also want to make a rule that people should knock on all bedroom doors before going in. Make sure that everyone who visits your home knows the rule.

You’ll probably need to go over these messages many times with your child. Try to be patient with your child and yourself. It might help to share experiences and get support from other parents. You could try online or face-to-face support groups.