Sexual behaviour at 12-14 years: parent education guide

Typical sexual behaviour at 12-14 years

Sexual behaviour is part of young people’s overall development in adolescence.

At 12-14 years, young people’s development is all about working out who they are and where they fit in the world. They’re beginning to explore identity, style, attraction and new social dynamics. They might try out different clothing styles, music or friendship groups. They might enjoy feeling noticed or flirting in light, playful ways.

Like all behaviour, sexual behaviour is also shaped by young people’s social relationships, cultural backgrounds and personal experiences.

What to expect at 12-14 years: curiosity and exploration

Here’s some developmentally typical behaviour that you might be aware of at this age. Your child might:

explore sexuality – for example, through daydreaming, online content or masturbation
have intimate relationships with same-age peers
show physical affection like kissing, hugging and sexual touching
consensually take and share photos of themselves in ‘sexy’ poses while clothed with same-age peers
experiment with clothing, selfies or personal style.

Why do young people behave this way at 12-14 years?

Your child might behave in these ways because it feels good. They might also do it because they’re:

experiencing puberty, including new emotions and feelings
working out how friendships and relationships work
exploring their identity, including gender or sexual orientation
responding to peer expectations or working out ‘what behaviour is normal’.

Children start developing sexually from birth, and sexual behaviour is part of this development. Sexual development is a lifelong process that includes physical changes like puberty and the beliefs that young people develop about bodies, relationships, gender and sexuality.

How to support healthy behaviour: tips for parents

Create a healthy family environment

Children start learning about healthy behaviour from birth, and they learn by watching how you and other adults communicate and behave. Young people also learn from their friends and peers and from things they see on TV and online, and in movies, books, magazines and so on.

This means you can create a family environment that encourages healthy sexual behaviour by:

being a role model for respectful relationships with others
discussing sexual consent
looking at your family’s attitudes to gender
helping your child check the quality of the apps, games, TV, movies and online videos they engage with
ensuring your child is aware of and understands online safety, including risks related to pornography and sexting.

Talk often

At 12-14 years, one of the best ways to support healthy sexual behaviour is talking and listening. Talking and listening has many benefits. For example, you can hear what your child thinks and knows about sex and sexuality and romantic relationships. And your child can ask questions, which you can answer in honest and age-appropriate ways.

These open and honest conversations help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future. And they send the message that your child can come to you for reliable, non-judgmental information about tricky topics like sexual behaviour.

You can use everyday moments or examples from TV shows, movies, books and media stories to get conversations started.

Handle inappropriate behaviour calmly

Young people will sometimes behave in ways that aren’t appropriate. If this happens with your child, calmly remind them about public and private behaviour. For example, you could remind them that touching their genitals is a private behaviour, which they should do in their bedroom or the bathroom.

What to do about harmful behaviour: advice for parents

Sometimes sexual behaviour in young people aged 12-14 years isn’t what’s expected for their developmental stage. This behaviour is called harmful sexual behaviour.

What is harmful behaviour at 12-14 years?

Harmful sexual behaviour in children aged 12-14 years might include:

masturbating so much that it interferes with other activities, masturbating in ways that injure their genitals, or masturbating in public
having vaginal or anal sex
having an intimate relationship with someone who’s more than 2 years older or younger
forcing, pressuring or coercing another young person into sexual activity, including oral sex or penetration
taking, sharing or threatening to share photos or videos of sexual acts involving themselves or others without consent
using sexual language or behaviour to frighten, humiliate or intimidate others
repeatedly viewing pornography that’s violent, degrading or abusive.

Why does harmful behaviour happen at 12-14 years?

Children aged 12-14 years might behave in sexually harmful ways for many reasons. For example, it might happen because they:

have been exposed to pornography or adult sexual activity and are re-enacting what they’ve seen
are experiencing child sexual abuse or other forms of child abuse
find it hard to manage their emotions.

Children who have learning difficulties and disorders or difficulties with impulse control, social skills or rules can also be more vulnerable to engaging in harmful sexual behaviour.

At this age, if your child is engaging in harmful sexual behaviour with a younger child, it could be considered a criminal offence.

Where parents can get help for harmful sexual behaviour in young people aged 12-14 years

If you’ve noticed your child engaging in harmful sexual behaviour, seek support and professional help.

A GP is a good place to start. The GP can refer you to an experienced health professional who can help you understand what’s happening and how you can help your child.

You can also contact Kids Helpline or a child sexual safety helpline.

Harmful sexual behaviour in children can be distressing. You can get support from health professionals, child sexual safety helplines and parent helplines.

More information for parents about sexual development

You can learn more about typical and harmful behaviour throughout childhood and adolescence in the following parent guides: