Sexuality: pre-teens and teenagers

About sexuality

Sexuality is a part of who your child is and who they’ll become. Sexuality develops and changes throughout your child’s life. Feeling comfortable with their sexuality and sexual identity is essential to your child’s healthy development.

Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about how your child:

feels about their developing body
makes healthy decisions and choices about their own body
understands and expresses feelings of intimacy, attraction and affection for others
develops and maintains respectful relationships.

Your child’s beliefs and expectations about sex and sexuality are influenced by their personal experiences, upbringing and cultural background.

You are your child’s most important role model. You can help your child by modelling and reinforcing values and beliefs about safety, responsibility, honest communication and respect in relationships by treating your partner with respect and talking about how to stay safe.

Understanding teenage sexual behaviour, sexual attraction, sexual identity and gender identity

Most teenagers will experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage. This is a natural and powerful urge in these years, as our articles on teenage sexual behaviour at 12-14 years and teenage sexual behaviour at 15-17 years explain.

Some teenagers are sexually attracted to people of a different gender from their own. Some are attracted to people of the same gender. And some are attracted to people of any gender. Some teenagers express no sexual attraction or interest.

Sexual attraction is different from sexual identity. Young people who are attracted to people of the same gender might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual, asexual or pansexual, or they might not want to identify with any label at all.

Sexual attraction is also different from gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – a boy, a girl, both or neither.

Teenagers might want romantic intimacy and ways to express love and affection, and they might be curious and want to explore adult behaviour. But not all teenage relationships include sex.

Why it’s important to talk about pre-teen and teenage sexuality

Your child will learn about sexuality at school, talk about it with friends, and get information about it online and through social media. But young people do trust the information they get from their parents.

If you talk about sex and sexuality with your child, it will help them sort through the many messages they get about sexuality from other sources. It can also help your child make positive, safe and informed choices, now and in the future.

It’s normal for you and your child to feel awkward when you’re talking about sex and sexuality. Our article on handling difficult conversations has ideas for managing those uncomfortable moments.

Talking with pre-teens and teenagers about sexuality

Here are ideas and strategies to make it easier to talk with your child about sexuality.

Start conversations early
There’s no perfect time to start talking about sexuality, but conversations from a young age can help your child understand that sex and sexuality are normal, healthy parts of life. Early conversations can also make later ones easier. Both of these things can help children make healthy and safe choices about sex and sexual relationships when they’re older.

Get informed
Your child might ask you all sorts of questions, so it’s good to check your understanding of puberty, periods, contraception, wet dreams, sexual arousal, masturbation and more.

It might also help to think in advance about your values so you can be clear and consistent with your child. For example, if your child asks you about being attracted to people of the same gender, it’s good to respond positively and non-judgmentally. To do this, you might need to sort out your own feelings about the issue in advance.

Be ready to talk
Regular, everyday conversations about topics like sexuality often work better than ‘big talks’. This means being ready for opportunities to talk – for example, when you’re watching or listening to something with your child or when your child raises an issue. When these situations come up, let your child know they don’t need to feel embarrassed.

And if you do need to raise an issue yourself or have a ‘big talk’, try to do it when your child seems open to talking – when they’re not tired, busy or distracted.

Try a 3-step process for talking
Here’s how:

Ask your child what they already know.
Add new information or explain things at the right level for your child.
Clear up any misconceptions.

If your child has questions, try to answer them openly, but be honest if you don’t know the answer. You could suggest that you look for the answer together.

Be ready to listen
It’s good to let your child know that you’re interested in seeing things from their perspective. For example, you could ask them what they think about sexual identity. And when your child shares their thoughts, feelings and experiences, active listening can show your child that you care and are interested.

Talk about the important issues
It’s very important for all teenagers to understand the following issues:

Consent is essential to healthy, respectful and safe sexual experiences. It might help your child to know that getting and giving clear consent can be a sexy and enjoyable part of their sexual experiences. Constant communication is key to this.
‘Safe sex’ means protecting against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Your child can do this by using condoms if they’re sexually active.
If your child is sexually active, it’s important for them to be tested for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) like chlamydia. STIs are often symptomless and tend to be more common in young people.
Your child can get advice about sexuality and sexual health from several places, including their GP. It’s good to let your child know they can see a GP confidentially if they want to. You can also tell your child that they can ask you anything they want.

Your child’s sexuality might be different from yours or from your expectations. But if you can accept your child’s sexuality, it’s good for your child’s healthy development – and for your relationship with your child.

Pre-teens and teenagers with disability, autism and other additional needs

Pre-teens and teenagers with disability, autism and other additional needs have the same interest in – and need for information about – romance, relationships and intimacy as other teenagers. Rates of sexual activity are the same across all teenagers, both with and without disability.

It’s important to give them information in a way they can understand. When you’re talking about sexuality with your child with additional needs, consider their:

decision-making skills
ability to think through the outcomes of actions
knowledge of boundaries, privacy and intimate relationships – this will help you fill in gaps and clarify misunderstandings
understanding of the risks associated with some behaviour.

Autistic teenagers develop sexually in the same way as other teenagers do, but they might need extra help to build the social skills and understanding that go along with sexual development. Our article on sexual development and autistic teenagers explains.