About relationships with toddlers

Warm, stable and responsive relationships are fundamental to children’s development and wellbeing.

When you have this kind of relationship with your toddler, she feels safe and secure. A sense of security gives your toddler confidence to explore the world and learn. And as your child explores the world, she learns how to think, understand, communicate, behave, show emotions and develop social skills.

Your relationship with your toddler: what to expect

Children develop quickly in the toddler years. As your toddler develops, you’ll probably find your relationship with him changes.

Your toddler is learning that she’s a separate person. She’ll want to be independent – for example, she might want to feed herself or get her own clothes on. She might also be less willing to be talked out of things once she’s made up her mind. At the same time, your toddler might fear being separated from you and not want you to leave her with other people.

Your toddler’s ability to use and understand language will develop very quickly. This language development means you can share more activities and games, and start working on social skills like sharing and turn-talking. For example, you can play with a ball and say ‘Roll the ball’ or ‘My turn now’.

Your toddler’s emotions are developing too. He’ll have big feelings, but won’t always be able to control them or find the words to express them. He might express frustration through having a tantrum. If you can tune into your child’s feelings, you might find that you can sometimes stop tantrums from happening. And tuning in is always a good way to build your relationship.

Toddlers are learning that they can do things that make other things happen, like chasing a seagull to make it fly away. You might find the time you spend with your toddler is a lot more active than it used to be. But if you’re around while your child explores, she’ll feel safe and have the confidence to try new things.

A strong parent-child relationship is about more than just having fun together. By tuning in to your child’s feelings, praising him for positive behaviour, and helping him find words for big emotions, you can help him behave well.

Building a strong relationship with your toddler: tips

Children of all ages need parents and caregivers who are warm and responsive, who pay them attention, and who make them feel safe. Here are some ideas to help you keep building this kind of relationship with your toddler:

• Give your toddler plenty of positive attention. This can be as simple as getting down to your toddler’s level and gently putting your arm around her shoulders when she shows you something in the sandpit.
• Make time to share fun activities and play together. For example, toddlers love dressing up, playing with big empty cardboard boxes and running around in the garden or park. It’s best just to follow your child’s lead with play.
• Read together. Regular reading with your toddler creates a special time for bonding. It also stimulates your toddler’s imagination and helps him learn about the world around him.
• Share regular family meals. Family meals can strengthen your family relationships and your child’s sense of belonging.
• Support your toddler’s developing independence by letting her make decisions. For example, you could ask her to choose between two healthy snacks or between two t-shirts when she’s getting dressed.
• If your toddler gets frustrated or upset, help him find words for his feelings and comfort him too – for example, ‘Aw. Banana fell down. It’s OK. There’s more banana in your bowl’. Understanding emotions is a key part of self-regulation, which is important for all your child’s relationships, now and in the future.
• If your toddler is having trouble separating from you, talk to her about times when you’ll be apart – for example, ‘I’m going to buy food for the fridge. Nanna is here with you, and I’ll be back for your nap time’. Children feel more secure if they know when you’re going to be away, where they’ll be, and when you’ll be back.
• Think about your child’s temperament when you plan to spend fun time together. For example, if you have a less sociable toddler, you might find it works better to stay home and finger paint instead of going to a busy play centre.

It’s important to look after yourself. Even spending a few minutes a day doing something you enjoy like going for a walk or reading a magazine can make a big difference to how you feel about the time you spend with your child. Looking after yourself is good for you, so it’s good for your relationship with your child and her development.