What is self-regulation?

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage your:

• behaviour
• reactions to your own emotions
• reactions to what’s happening around you.

Self-regulation includes 3 broad areas:

• Cognitive self-regulation – this is being able to plan tasks, focus on tasks, pay attention and solve problems.
• Behavioural self-regulation – this is being aware of your actions and impulses and managing them so you can act in positive ways and match your behaviour to situations.
• Emotional self-regulation – this is tuning in to your emotions and managing them so you can react appropriately to how you’re feeling and what’s happening around you.

Why is self-regulation important?

As your child grows, self-regulation makes it easier for your child to:

• stay focused, sit still, listen and learn in the classroom
• wait for their turn in games or be quiet while someone speaks
• share toys and work with others in groups
• get along with others and make friends
• go out by themselves for socialising, study or work as they get older
• do things like get a casual job or learn to drive.

How does self-regulation develop?

Children develop self-regulation through warm and responsive relationships. They also develop it by watching the adults around them.

Self-regulation starts when children are babies. It develops most in the toddler and preschooler years, but it also keeps developing right into adulthood.

For example, babies might suck their fingers for comfort or look away from their caregivers if they need a break from attention or are getting tired. But babies can’t really self-regulate, so it’s important to comfort them or help them calm down if they’re unsettled.

Toddlers can wait short times for food and toys. But toddlers might still snatch toys from other children if it’s something they really want. And tantrums happen when toddlers are overwhelmed by strong emotions.

Preschoolers are starting to know how to play with other children, understand what’s expected of them, and set and work towards simple goals. For example, a preschooler might try to speak in a soft voice if you’re at the movies.

School-age children are getting better at controlling their wants and needs, focusing on what teachers are saying and following instructions, imagining other people’s perspectives and seeing both sides of a situation. This means, for example, that they might be able to disagree with other children without having an argument.

Pre-teens and teenagers are better at planning, sticking with difficult tasks, behaving in socially appropriate ways, and considering how their behaviour affects other people. For example, your teenage child might think about your perspective when they’re negotiating with you about their curfew. Or they might use strategies to manage distractions when they’re studying.

Children who typically feel things strongly and intensely find it harder to self-regulate. It isn’t as hard for children who are more easygoing. Even older children and teenagers sometimes struggle with self-regulation.

Self-regulation strategies for children and teenagers

Here are practical ways you can help your child learn and practise self-regulation.

Cognitive self-regulation strategies

• Show your child how to plan. For example, ‘I’d better stop gardening now, so I can get you to soccer on time’.
• Help your child set goals and work towards them. For example, help your child plan how to complete a school assignment.
• Involve pre-teens and teenagers in problem-solving. For example, ‘I’m working all weekend, and I know it’ll be boring for you. Let’s work out how you can make the most of the time’.

Behavioural self-regulation strategies

• Plan for challenging situations that might make it hard for your child to behave in positive ways. For example, ‘The shop we’re going to has a lot of things that can break. It’s OK to look, but please don’t touch’. Give your child a gentle reminder as you enter the shop, as well as something to do with their hands.
• Play games like musical statues or duck, duck, goose, which can help your child learn to control their impulses.
• Encourage your child to save money for something they want.

Emotional self-regulation strategies

• Work on your child’s skills for understanding and managing emotions.
• Use calming down strategies for toddlers, calming down steps for preschoolers and school-age children and calming down steps for pre-teens and teenagers.
• Label your emotions. For example, ‘I’m feeling frustrated so I’m going to stop this job now. I’ll come back to it in a few minutes when I’m feeling calmer’.

Praise your child when they show self-regulation and manage a tricky situation. For example, ‘You were great at waiting for your turn’ or ‘I liked the way that you shared with Sam when he asked’.

Problems with self-regulation

From time to time, different things can affect your child’s ability to self-regulate.

For example, tiredness, illness, changes to your child’s routine, and significant or traumatic events can affect your child’s ability to regulate their reactions and behaviour. Also, some children have great self-regulation at child care, school or sport but find it hard at home. Other children struggle in busy, noisy places like shopping centres. And as children get older, self-regulation might be challenging if they have a lot of assessment tasks or relationship difficulties.

Although these problems with self-regulation are typical, it’s a good idea to speak with a professional if you’re worried about your child’s behaviour or you’re having trouble with your child’s behaviour as they get older. For example, you could talk to your GP, your child and family health nurse, or your child’s early childhood educator or classroom teacher.

Consider seeking professional help if your child:

• seems to have more tantrums or challenging behaviour than other children of the same age
• is behaving in challenging ways more often as they get older
• is behaving in ways that are dangerous for themselves or others
• doesn’t seem to respond to your strategies for encouraging positive behaviour
• is very withdrawn and has a lot of trouble interacting with others
• doesn’t seem to have as many communication and social skills as other children of the same age.

If your child has challenging behaviour and is also autistic or has a disability, talk with the professionals who work with your child. They’ll be able to suggest ways to encourage positive behaviour and help your child learn self-regulation skills.