Children’s requests: why it’s important to respond constructively

Children ask for things all the time. For example, ‘Can I play on my iPad?’ or ‘Can I bake a cake?’

Some requests are easy to handle. For example, ‘Yes, it’s OK to play on your iPad’.

Other requests are more difficult. For example, if your child wants to bake, you might think about safety in the kitchen, ingredients or responsibility for cleaning up afterwards.

When your child asks for something, it’s an opportunity to help them learn about communicating well and managing expectations and emotions – no matter what answer you plan to give.

How to respond when your child asks for things

The following steps can be useful when your child asks for things, regardless of whether you plan to say yes, no or maybe.

1. Listen

Take a moment to understand what your child is asking for. Show that you’ve heard and understood. This way, your child will be more likely to accept your answer. It can also help to show some empathy, even if you don’t plan to say yes. For example, ‘Oh, I can see why you would love that. How cool’.

2. Pause and decide

A brief pause gives you a chance to think about the request. It also sends your child the message that you’re putting some thought into it. Ask yourself, ‘Do I need to say no, or can I say yes? If it’s not a yes, can I negotiate?’

3. Base your first response on how your child asks

If your child has asked politely, praise your child for using good manners. This sends the message that you’ll always pay attention when your child uses good manners, even if you don’t always say yes.

If your child has whined, demanded or threatened, let your child know you need to hear some good manners. For example, you could say, ‘Sascha, please use your calm voice’ or ‘Dani, think about how you’re asking that question’.

Often, you’ll be able to say yes. At other times, you might be able to negotiate with your child and come up with a solution you can both accept. Either way, consistent and fair responses from you will help your child learn the best way to ask for things.

When you need to say no to your child

Sometimes children can’t have what they want. Here’s how to make saying no work for you.

1. Give your reason

If you’ve decided to say no, giving a reason will help your child understand your decision. But keep your reasoning short so you don’t lose your child’s attention. For example, ‘We don’t have time for a ride on the merry-go-round now. We’ll do it next time’.

2. Acknowledge your child’s disappointment

For example, ‘I can see you feel disappointed because you really wanted those biscuits. But we’ve already had enough treats today’. Conversations like these send a message of empathy and can help you and your child move on.

3. Stick with your decision

If you change your mind, your child will learn that no isn’t final and that it’s worth arguing or pestering to get what they want.

4. Offer something else, if you can

For example, ‘I can’t buy you this kit because it’s too expensive. Let’s go home and make a zoo with the toys we already have’.

5. Give your child constructive feedback

If your child accepts no for an answer, give plenty of praise. For example, ‘I really liked the way you said OK when I said no’. Or ‘It was great how we worked that out together’.

Being able to take no for an answer is an important social and emotional skill. It’s part of your child learning to understand and manage their emotions and handle disappointment. Saying no to your child also shows them when and how to be assertive.

How to reduce the need to say no to your child

When you keep no for decisions that really matter, your child will take it more seriously.

Here are tips for reducing the number of times you say no:

• Set some ground rules. For example, before you go shopping, talk to your child about why you’re going. Let your child know what you expect and the rules about asking for things. This can cut down on the number of times you need to say no. For example, ‘We’ll have a snack when we get home from the shops’, or ‘No asking on this shopping trip’.
• Say yes if you can. For example, ‘OK, George can come over after school if it’s OK with his dad’.
• Negotiate instead of saying no, but only if your child is willing to negotiate and compromise too. For example, ‘We can’t go to the park today, because we have to pick up your sister from school, but we can go tomorrow’.
• Be aware of advertising for toys, junk food and other things – for example, through the TV, radio, internet, junk mail, apps and social media. The more advertising your child sees, the more they might want things. It’s also good to talk with your child about advertising and how it makes you want more things.

Children learn to predict what their parents will say yes to, based on experience. It means they get more persuasive, and it also means you need to pay attention and be consistent about when you say yes.

How to handle pestering and nagging

Pestering or nagging is when your child repeatedly asks you for something in a challenging way, even after you’ve said no. For example, ‘Can I have a lolly?’, ‘I want a lolly!’, ‘Give me a lolly!’, ‘Please, please, please!’ It’s different from asking a question just once or twice.

Pestering might happen because your child:

• is still learning skills and self-regulation, including the ability to control their impulses and behave in appropriate ways
• is easily influenced by clever marketing of products aimed at children, like toys and unhealthy food
• wants your attention.

Here are tips to handle pestering:

• Try to distract your child with something else. For example, ‘Puss looks hungry. Can you help me feed her?’
• If the pestering happens while you’re shopping, offer healthy rewards for appropriate shopping behaviour. For example, ‘If you can get through this shopping trip without asking for stuff, we’ll stop at the park on the way home’ or ‘You can have some strawberries when we get home’.
• If you’ve already said no and asked your child to stop pestering, remove your attention from the behaviour.
• Give your child plenty of positive attention when the pestering stops so they know you’ve noticed. For example, ‘Thanks for being so mature about this. It’s not easy to change plans. I’m proud of you’.
• Stay calm. If things don’t work out the way you’d hoped, it’s important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you’re doing your best.

Spending quality time with your child and giving them plenty of warmth and attention might mean they don’t need to pester to connect with you.

Children asking for things at different ages

Toddlers

At 1-3 years, children often communicate what they want in simple ways. For example, they might make noises or point at what they want. But when you say no, toddlers can find the disappointment too much to manage.

Tantrums are a natural response when you say no, because toddlers are still developing self-regulation and language skills. If this happens, calmly acknowledge the emotions that your child is expressing. Stay with your child and comfort them until they calm down and feel safe.

Preschoolers

At 3-5 years, children are rapidly expanding their vocabulary and learning how they can influence their environment, including their parents. They’re also still learning to see things from other people’s points of view.

It can help to calmly explain to your child how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking. For example, ‘I see you want to talk about this right now. But I don’t want to be late picking up Freddie so let’s talk in the car’.

School-age children

At 5-8 years, children have more developed language skills, which they can use to negotiate and compromise when they ask for things. From around the age of 8 years, you can expect some convincing arguments about why you should let your child have or do something!

When you say no to your school-age child, they’ll be disappointed but they’re less likely to have a tantrum than a younger child. This is because they’ve learned more self-regulation. They’re also likely to understand complex explanations about why the answer is no.

Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.