Attention and children’s behaviour
Your attention is a big reward for your child. If your child behaves in a particular way and gets your attention, they’re likely to behave that way again.
So if you give attention for positive behaviour, you’ll probably see that behaviour more often.
When you start paying attention to positive behaviour, you might find you start to feel more positive too. That’s because you’re more focused on what your child is doing well rather than on their challenging behaviour.
Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.
Using positive attention to guide children towards positive behaviour
Positive attention for positive behaviour means tuning in to what your child is doing and showing or telling them that you’ve noticed they’re doing the right thing and you’re pleased.
There are many ways you can give this kind of attention, including:
- physical affection or gestures – for example, smiles, hugs and cuddles
- encouragement – for example, ‘Keep trying, Lachlan’ or a thumbs up gesture
- praise – for example, ‘Good sharing, Kezia’
- active listening.
This kind of attention works best if you do it often, rather than occasionally. That’s because you get into the habit of looking for positives. Also, your child gets plenty of reminders that you’re paying close attention to them and looking for positive behaviour to encourage.
You can also give attention for positive behaviour anywhere – while you’re shopping, eating, doing the dishes or walking to school. It doesn’t take any extra time when it’s something you do as part of your everyday interactions with your child.
Praising positive behaviour is particularly important for skills or behaviour that your child finds difficult. You can praise the effort as well as the behaviour. If you praise your child’s effort even when they don’t succeed, they’re more likely to keep trying.
For example, if your child keeps trying to tie their shoelaces but without success, you could say, ‘Great job for trying so hard with your shoelaces. I know you’ll get there soon. Let’s finish the loops together today’.
In general, try to praise your child or give your child positive attention much more often than you correct challenging behaviour.
Your child won’t always behave in positive ways. So the trick is to pay more attention to the positive behaviour and less to the behaviour you want to discourage. You can also use consequences to show your child their behaviour isn’t OK, without giving them too much attention.
Giving positive attention: how to make it part of everyday life and relationships
The more you give your child positive attention, the more natural it becomes – and the better it is for your relationship. A good relationship with you is also good for your child’s behaviour. That’s because children and teenagers do best when they feel supported, encouraged and safe.
Here are things that are good for both your relationship and your child’s behaviour:
- Take time to tune in to your child. This is about noticing and commenting on the things that interest your child. For example, ‘I see you’ve chosen the red and green blocks for your tower’. This helps your child feel valued.
- Follow your child’s lead. When you’re spending time with your child, it’s good to let your child choose activities whenever possible. This sends the message that your child’s interests are important, which also builds your child’s confidence.
- Get close. You can sit on the floor, kneel in the grass, or squat beside your child’s chair. Face your child and move to their side rather than watching from across the room. Look into your child’s eyes, uncross your arms, and smile at them.
Positive attention is also about showing delight in your child and warmth in your relationship. It helps your child feel secure and loved, which is important for your child’s overall development and learning.