How to help a grieving teen after a sibling or parent death

Teenage feelings and reactions when a parent or sibling dies

When a parent or sibling dies, pre-teens and teenagers might feel shocked, confused, sad, angry, afraid, regretful, guilty, lonely, worried or anxious.

Over time you might see changes in behaviour like:

withdrawing from others
taking risks
doing worse at school
refusing to go to school
having more conflict with you.

And there can be effects on physical and mental health, like headaches, appetite changes, signs of anxiety or depression, and sleep problems.

Some pre-teens and teenagers react by taking on their parent’s or sibling’s responsibilities or doing other things their parent or sibling used to do.

And some pre-teens and teenagers might seem not to react to the death at all.

Feelings and reactions often depend on how the death happened – for example, whether it was sudden or expected. For example, after a sudden death, some teenagers might seem more shocked than sad.

Violent or traumatic deaths – for example, a car accident or suicide – can deeply affect children and families. So can witnessing a death. If this happens in your family, seek professional help for your child and yourself. Start by talking to your GP or calling Griefline on 1300 845 745.

When and how to tell your child about the death

It’s important to tell your child about the death as soon as possible. This way your child will hear about the death from you.

It’s also important to explain the death simply and truthfully. For example:

‘Mum was in an accident at work. The doctors and nurses tried their best, but her body was too injured and she died.’
‘You know that Dad has been sick for a while. This morning his body couldn’t keep going and he died.’
‘Your brother died by suicide today. He felt like it was the only option to ease his pain.’

If you have more than one child to talk to, it’s best to tell them together. This way they get the information from you at the same time. Afterwards, you can talk to each child separately and give them the support they need.

Should you tell other people about the death?

If you tell people about the death, they can support your child too. But it’s important to ask your child who they’d like to tell.

Other people to tell might include:

close friends and extended family
the parents of your child’s close friends
school staff
sports coaches and tutors
your child’s employer, if they have one.

It’s also good to ask your child about when and how they’d like to tell people. For example, your child might want to tell their friends and have you tell their friends’ parents. Or you might agree to tell your child’s sports coach and ask the coach only to talk about it if your child brings it up first.

Should your child go to the funeral?

Going to the funeral can help your child grieve, accept the death and say goodbye to their parent or sibling. Seeing the community come together to support their family and share memories might comfort your child and help them feel that their loss is important.

But your child’s involvement in the funeral is up to you and your child. It depends on what your child is comfortable with, so it’s important to talk with them about this decision if you can.

What if your child doesn’t want to go to the funeral?

It’s OK if your child doesn’t want to go. But it’s good to talk with them about why. You might be able to help them feel more comfortable about going.

You could also suggest options like attending only one part of the funeral or saying goodbye in another way. For example, you could have a private viewing at the funeral home.

If your child decides not to go, it’s important to plan where they’ll be, who they’ll be with and what they’ll do instead. This way, you can be sure your child is safe and cared for while you’re at the funeral.

It’s also good to be flexible and let your child know that they can change their mind at any time.

How to help your child cope with the funeral

If your child will be involved in the funeral, they’ll need your support.

These tips might help:

Tell your child what to expect. You could involve them in planning the funeral or take them through the plan.
Ask your child how they want to be involved. For example, they could prepare a eulogy on their own or with others, choose music to play, or make a slideshow.
Ask a trusted adult to support your child during the funeral. They can comfort your child, answer questions, and go with your child if they need a break.
Let your child know that they don’t have to talk to people if they don’t want to. And they can take a break at any time with a trusted adult.

The death of a parent or sibling can lead to changes in family routines, relationships, income and responsibilities. These changes can cause stress, uncertainty, confusion and even conflict. Sticking to familiar routines, talking and involving your child in big decisions can help them cope with the changes.

Tips for talking about death and grief now and over time

Talking about the death can help your child:

accept and cope with the death
feel comforted and safe
understand their feelings and reactions to the death
feel less alone in their grief
know that you’re there to support them
feel a continuing connection with their parent or sibling.

Talking is especially important at times of intense grief. These times might include immediately after the death, birthdays, death anniversaries and other major life events.

Tips for talking in the early weeks

Try to talk in a safe, private, comfortable and familiar place.
Comfort and reassure your child. For example, ‘It’s OK if you aren’t sure how you feel right now’.
Tune in to your child’s needs. For example, ‘It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about Mum’s death just now. I’ll be here whenever you do’.
Be prepared for your child to respond in ways you might not expect. Try not to be judgmental about their responses.
If you’re too distressed to talk, ask a trusted family member or friend to be with you or to talk for you.

Tips for talking over time

Encourage your child to talk about their parent or sibling whenever they want to. They can talk with you and with trusted friends and family.
Let your child know that it’s normal to feel grief more intensely at times. For example, ‘I can see you’re feeling sad today. It’s normal to miss them a lot, no matter how long it has been. I miss them too’.
Tell your child that you love them and that you’ll look after them.

Over the months and years, your child will probably ask questions about the death. This is part of their grieving. Do your best to answer. And if you don’t know an answer, tell your child you’ll find out more and come back to them.

You might be focused on your child’s wellbeing, but you’re grieving too. It’s important to take time to cope with your own grief after the death of your child or the death of your partner or child’s other parent. If you look after yourself, you’ll be in better shape to support your child.

Long-term support for grief after a sibling or parent death

Your child will probably need support for a long time, and their support needs will probably change over time. These ideas might help:

Stay connected with your child. This helps your child feel safe. It also helps you pick up on any problems that your child might be having.
Always reassure and comfort your child. For example, sit with them, hug them, or do whatever feels comfortable.
Read books about grief with your child and talk about them. You could try Mick Harte was here by Barbara Park.
Encourage your child to spend time with friends or trusted adults away from the family home. This can give your child a break from home, where there might be many reminders of their parent or sibling. It can also help them reconnect with regular life.
Encourage your child to connect with other people in similar situations. For example, they could chat with others at Headspace or attend a grieving camp.
Encourage your child to have a healthy lifestyle. If your child is physically well, it can be good for their emotional and mental health.

Grief rituals after a sibling or parent death

Grief rituals are activities to express grief and honour the person who has died. These rituals can be especially helpful when grief is intense or overwhelming.

Your child might want to try various rituals to see which ones feel meaningful to them. Here are ideas:

Visit the parent’s or sibling’s grave or place where the ashes have been laid.
Share stories about the parent’s or sibling’s life with trusted family and friends.
Create a memory box with mementos. Look through the box at any time.
Visit places or do things that have a special connection to the parent or sibling. For example, visit their favourite museum or cook their favourite meal.
Make art in honour of the parent or sibling, like a drawing or a poem.
Continue or create family rituals. For example, choose a secret signal to give each other whenever you’re thinking of the person who died.

Your child might also like to practise grief rituals from their own culture or religion. For example, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people practise grief as a community through Sorry Business. And in some religions, people pray for the person who died on the person’s death anniversary and the days leading up to it.

Professional support to help with grief

It’s good to get professional support for your child after the death of a parent or sibling, especially if you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour or wellbeing.

There are various professional support options, including:

your child’s GP
a psychologist or social worker
your child’s school counsellor
Griefline on 1300 845 745
Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 or Kids Helpline webchat counselling service
local mental health services
If the person died by suicide, call StandBy Support After Suicide on 1300 727 247 or visit StandBy Support After Suicide – Find support.

After a parent’s or sibling’s death, your family might be eligible for financial support from Services Australia. And if a parent died, your family might also be entitled to their superannuation fund balance, along with any additional death benefits. Contact the superannuation fund to check.