How your child’s death might affect you
The death of a child is a devastating experience.
Your emotions are likely to be intense, overwhelming and unpredictable. At different times you might feel shock, sadness, anxiety, hopelessness, anger or numbness. It’s also natural to feel regret or guilt or to wish you’d done things differently.
You might also feel ‘lost’ or that your identity has changed as you mourn your role as a parent. This can be especially intense if you lose an only child.
There’s no right way to feel. All your feelings are OK.
Your sleep and appetite might change, and you might have difficulty concentrating, feel restless, lack energy or have physical discomfort like nausea, headaches or tremors.
Your relationships might change too. If you have a partner, it’s common to have differing emotions and needs. You might sometimes find it difficult to understand each other’s feelings. It’s also common to be more irritable and less patient, which can strain your relationship.
You might also feel isolated from family and friends who are continuing to lead ordinary lives. You might spend less time with some people and become closer to others.
Why it’s important to look after yourself after your child’s death
After your child’s death, it can be hard to find the energy or motivation to care about yourself. It’s natural to feel like this, but looking after yourself mentally and physically will help you cope with your grief and other emotions.
And if you look after yourself, you’ll be in better shape to help other family members cope with their grief. This includes your child’s siblings.
Looking after your mental health and wellbeing after your child’s death
Here are things you can do to cope with grief after the death of your child.
- Find ways to be kind to yourself and practise self-compassion. For example, say something kind to yourself like ‘It’s natural to feel that I could have done more. Anyone who’s lost a child would feel like this, but I gave it everything I could’.
- Let yourself feel whatever you feel. It’s OK to cry, and it’s also OK to feel mixed and changing emotions, including happiness at times.
- Find ways to stay connected to your child’s memory. For example, display photos, light a candle, have a meal with friends to mark your child’s birthday, or visit your child’s grave or another significant place.
- Talk about your child with family and friends, and use your child’s name.
- Find an outlet for your feelings, or do things that help you think about something other than your grief. This could be things like physical activity, music, time in nature or a journal.
- Try breathing exercises, muscle relaxation exercises or mindfulness exercises.
- Try to stick to routines. This will help you feel more on top of things and reduce your stress.
- Say no to things that aren’t good for your wellbeing, like social events you don’t feel up to attending.
Looking after your physical health after your child’s death
There’s a strong connection between physical and mental health. Looking after your physical health can protect your mental health, help you cope with your grief, and improve your wellbeing. Here are ideas:
- Try to eat healthy food. If you aren’t hungry, try several small meals. This can be easier to manage than 3 large ones. If you’re finding it hard to prepare meals, you could ask friends or family to cook meals for you.
- Do gentle exercise, even if you don’t feel like it. A short walk or gentle stretching can be good options.
- Get as much rest as you can. If you’re having trouble sleeping, try a bedtime routine, and avoid stimulants like caffeine and soft drinks close to bedtime.
- Avoid alcohol, smoking and other drugs. These stimulants interfere with sleep and appetite, making it harder for you to sleep and eat well.
Looking after your relationship after your child’s death
It’s natural for grief and stress to strain relationships.
This can happen if you and your partner experience or express grief differently and have different ways of coping. Or you might find that you’re very low, more irritable and less patient – or you just don’t feel like talking to each other.
These ideas can help you support each other:
- Make time to spend with your partner. You can do simple things like having coffee together, watching a favourite TV show, or going for a walk.
- Talk openly with your partner and listen to each other. Sharing your thoughts and feelings can help you understand each other’s needs.
- Respect the times that your partner doesn’t want to talk or share feelings. At these times, you could do something kind to show you care, like making your partner a cup of tea.
- Seek professional support if you’re finding it difficult to look after your relationship. A relationship counsellor can help.
You can support children after the death of a sibling and support pre-teens and teenagers after the death of a sibling by talking with them about their feelings and keeping familiar routines going.
People who can support you when your child dies
Getting help from other people can help you cope:
- Ask for and accept practical help from friends and family. You could even ask one person to organise jobs like grocery shopping, ironing, cleaning, cooking meals or picking up children from school.
- Talk to your manager or a HR officer at work about your situation. They can help you organise time off or reduced responsibilities.
- Find out if you’re eligible for a bereavement payment from the Department of Human Services.
- Search online for a local or online support group to meet other parents who are grieving their child’s death.
It’s OK not to seek support from people who cause you tension and stress. It’s also OK to say no to their offers of help.
Practical issues in the early days after your child’s death
It’s good to get help with formalities after your child’s death, like completing the death certificate and liaising with the funeral home.
If your child had a terminal illness, your child’s care team will be able to help you. If your child’s death was unexpected, you could get help from the hospital psychologists, social workers or chaplain, or your local GP.
For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islanders, there are important cultural considerations at the end of a child’s life. Your care team might be able to put you in touch with the local Aboriginal liaison service, who’ll know how to support you in a culturally sensitive way.
Telling others about your child’s death can be extremely difficult. You might want to ask someone to help you.
You might wonder what to do with your child’s belongings. This is very personal. Being surrounded by your child’s toys and clothes might give you comfort. If you think it might be too painful, an alternative might be to box up everything and think about it in the future.
In the hours after your child dies, you might want to stay with your child, cuddle them, and then wash and dress them. This is precious time, and there’s no rush.
Grief over time
Over time, your grief is likely to affect you in various ways.
In the first few months you might find it hard to think clearly. It’s a good idea to put off big decisions, like moving house, for 6-12 months. If you have big decisions to make, it can help to get guidance from others, including professionals.
And for some time after your child dies, you might find it hard to concentrate on things you used to enjoy. Or you might feel overwhelmed by grief when you try to do things you used to do with your child.
Certain days can be difficult. This might include birthdays and the anniversary of your child’s death or milestones that your child didn’t experience, like the first day of school or their sibling’s wedding.
If you prepare for these days, they might be easier. Over time, they might also become times when you can lovingly remember and celebrate your child’s life.
Here are ideas:
- Put difficult dates in your diary so they don’t catch you by surprise.
- Think about how you can look after yourself on these days. For example, you might take a day off work, or spend time with a friend.
- Do something in your child’s memory, like visiting a special place, planting a tree or donating to a relevant charity.
- Cook your child’s favourite meal on their birthday or light a candle.
- Set aside time to talk about and share memories of your child with loved ones.
- Write a letter to your child, or create keepsakes like a memory book, photo album or cushion made from an item of their clothing.
There will also be times you can’t prepare for. For example, you might see someone who looks like your child or hear someone calling the same name. These unexpected events might cause a rush of grief. It’s natural to feel upset in these situations, so try to be patient with yourself.
It’s never too late to seek help if you’re struggling with grief.
A part of you will always grieve for your child – there’s no time limit on grief. Your relationship with your child doesn’t end with their death, and your love for them will continue. In time you can find a way to live with both your grief and your love for your child.
Professional support after your child dies
It’s a good idea to get professional support after your child dies. You can do this whenever you feel ready.
You could start by talking to your child’s care team or your GP. They can refer you to local bereavement counselling services or support groups. They can also refer you to a mental health professional like a psychologist, grief counsellor or social worker.
You can also contact local mental health services or a support service like Paediatric Palliative Care, Redkite, Canteen or Red Nose Australia.