How to help your child cope with the death of a sibling

How children feel and react when a sibling dies

When a sibling dies, children can feel shocked, confused, sad, angry, bewildered or worried. They might worry that other family members will also die or that they’ll die too. Some children also worry about what the death will mean for the family – will things change or stay the same?

Children might react to the death of a sibling with behaviour like:

crying a lot or having tantrums
withdrawing from others
acting as if the death didn’t happen or asking when their sibling is coming home
losing skills – for example, they might start talking like a baby again.

Or children might start:

doing worse at school
trying to do or be good at things their sibling did
asking a lot of questions
talking to strangers about the death.

And you might see children’s reactions in their physical and mental health. For example, they might:

have physical pain like headaches and stomach aches
have changes in their appetite
show signs of generalised anxiety or separation anxiety
have sleep problems including more nightmares.

And some children might seem not to react to their sibling’s death at all. This is common too.

Children’s feelings and reactions depend on how the death happened – for example, whether it was sudden or expected. They also depend on children’s age and development, their beliefs about death, their life experiences, and the support they get from family, friends, school and support services.

As children grow and develop, they’ll understand their loss in new ways. The way they feel and grieve will probably change too.

Violent or traumatic deaths – for example, a car accident or drowning – or witnessing the death can deeply affect children and families. If this happens in your family, seek professional help for your child and yourself. Start by talking to your GP.

When and how to tell your child about the death of a sibling

If your child’s sibling has died, it’s important for your child to hear about the death from you as soon as possible.

Your child needs simple, truthful and comforting information about what has happened. It can help to tell your child about the death in a safe, private, comfortable and familiar place. This approach can give your child a sense of safety and security.

Here are examples of how you might tell your child that their sibling has died:

‘Your sister’s heart stopped working. It couldn’t keep her body alive anymore and she died.’
‘Your brother was hurt in a car accident. Although everyone tried hard to help his body get better, he died. This means that he can’t breathe, eat or feel anything anymore.’
‘Because their body stopped working, they can’t come back to life – even though we want them to.’

You might need to explain things more than once. And your child will probably have many questions, both now and in the future. These questions are likely to become more specific as your child starts to better understand death and grief.

Your child might need to talk about the loss of their sibling for many years.

Talking can help your child understand, accept and cope with their sibling’s death. Open communication also sends the message that talking is good and all emotions are OK. Our article on talking with your child about death can help.

How to help your child cope with a sibling’s funeral

Being part of the funeral might help your child understand what’s happening. But your child’s involvement is up to you and your child, and it depends on what you’re both comfortable with. It’s important to talk with your child about this decision if you can.

If your child will be involved in the funeral, they’ll need your support:

Let your child know what to expect over the coming days. For example, more people than usual might be visiting your home. Your child might not go to school for a while.
Give your child choices about their involvement. For example, they could pick out photos or make a slideshow to display, choose songs, or pick an item to be buried or cremated with their sibling.
Ask a trusted adult to stay with your child and comfort them during the funeral. They can also go with your child if your child wants to take a break.
Let your child know that they’ll see people upset and distressed at the funeral. Reassure your child that it’s OK if you and they feel this way too.
Let your child know that they don’t need to talk to people and they can leave or take a break at any time. Choose a signal for your child to use if they want a break, like a special word or gesture. Agree on a safe place for your child to go with a trusted adult.
Encourage your child to keep an object with them for comfort – for example, a special toy or blanket.

Good mental health and wellbeing can help your child through this tough time. Positive relationships and a healthy lifestyle, including healthy eating and physical activity, are important to children’s mental health and wellbeing.

Tips for supporting your child after a sibling’s death

Your child will probably need support for a long time, and their support needs will probably change over time.

These ideas might help:

If your child wants to talk, stop what you’re doing and give them your full attention. Always reassure and comfort your child – for example, by hugging or sitting with them.
Tell your child that you love them. If you think your child feels pressure to replace their sibling, reassure them that they don’t need to because you love them for who they are.
Encourage your child to spend time with friends or trusted adults away from the family home. This can give your child a break from grieving at home, where there might be many reminders of their sibling. It can also help them reconnect with regular life.
Help your child recognise, name and express their emotions. Reading books about grief, watching age-appropriate videos and expressing their feelings through play can help with this.
Create meaningful and comforting rituals. For example, your child might like to help you plant a tree in memory of their sibling, set up a special place with a photo of their sibling, create a memory box, read from their sibling’s favourite book, or light a candle on their sibling’s birthday.
Encourage conversations and share stories about the sibling’s personality or life, or do activities that the sibling enjoyed. At first, this might feel difficult, but over time it might bring comfort.
Tell your child’s teacher and the parents of your child’s close friends about the death. If they know what’s happening, they can support your child too.

Your child might feel upset at times like their sibling’s birthday or death anniversary and during conversations about family – for example, when talking about family trees in class. Planning for these times with your child can comfort you both and reduce your anxiety.

How to help your child cope with changes to family life

The death of a sibling might lead to big changes in your family’s life. For example, there might be relationship changes among family members and with extended family and friends.

Routines can help you and your child cope with the stress, uncertainty and confusion that these changes can bring. Routines keep everyday life familiar and predictable and can help your child feel safe and secure.

It’s a good idea to ask others to help you with these routines. For example, a trusted friend could pick up your child from school or take them to soccer practice on the weekend. Or family and friends could bring you meals. It’s best to tell your child ahead of time who’ll be helping.

Try to stick to familiar routines as much as you can. But it’s OK if you need to create new routines to adapt to your family’s changes after the death.

After a child’s death, your family might be eligible for financial support from Services Australia.

Professional support to help your child with grief

It’s a good idea to get professional support after the death of a sibling, especially if you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour or wellbeing.

Your GP is a good place to start. They can guide you to the most appropriate services for your child – for example, bereavement counselling services. They can also refer your child to a mental health professional like a psychologist or social worker.

Here are more ways to get support for your child:

Call Griefline on 1300 845 745.
Encourage your child to speak to their school counsellor.
If your child is 5 years or older, suggest they call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800, or use the Kids Helpline webchat counselling service.
Contact local mental health services.

You might be focused on your child’s wellbeing, but you’re grieving too. It’s important to take time to cope with your own grief. If you look after yourself, you’ll be in better shape to support your child.