What is bullying, and could your child be doing it?

If your child is deliberately and repeatedly upsetting, embarrassing, frightening, threatening or hurting other children, it’s bullying.

You can read more about the signs and effects of face-to-face bullying and cyberbullying.

Bullying is never OK, and all bullying is hurtful – no matter who does it. When bullying keeps going, it can cause long-lasting harm, both to children who are bullied and to children who bully others.

Not all bullying behaviour is deliberate. Some children bully others without realising the harm they’re causing. Generally, this sort of bullying will stop when you explain that the behaviour is wrong or hurtful.

How to tell if your child is bullying others

If your child is bullying others, someone will probably tell you – a teacher, another child’s parents, or one of your child’s siblings. Your child probably won’t tell you themselves, and they might deny it if you ask them.

Other signs your child is bullying

• Talking about other children in a consistently aggressive or negative way
• Making negative jokes about other children
• Having money, toys or other things that don’t belong to them
• Being mean about children who are different from them in some way
• Showing signs of racism
• Not showing healthy attitudes to gender

These signs don’t necessarily mean your child is bullying, but it’s important to stay calm and find out more. Start by talking with your child’s teacher to find out whether there’ve been any problems at school.

What to do when your child is bullying others

If your child is bullying others, your child needs help. Learning to treat others respectfully is important for your child’s social and emotional development.

Step 1: talk with your child about their bullying behaviour

Talking can help you find out more about what’s happening. Here’s how to talk about the bullying behaviour:

• Stay calm.
• Ask your child to tell you what bullying is. This can get a conversation started without making your child defensive.
• Tell your child what bullying is. Ask them whether they think their behaviour might be bullying.
• Listen to your child, and try to avoid blame.
• Tell your child that their bullying behaviour is not OK. Let them know you expect it to end and you’ll help them to make that happen.
• Encourage your child to empathise with the children they’ve bullied. For example, ‘How would you feel if someone did that to you?’
• Be firm, even if your child denies the bullying. ‘I know it’s hard to admit it, but bullying hurts you and other people. It has to stop, and we will help.’

Step 2: work out why your child is bullying others

There might be many reasons for the bullying. These ideas can help you understand your child’s behaviour:

• Look for signs that your child is being bullied. Some children bully because they’re experiencing or witnessing bullying themselves. Work with the school or other organisation to stop the bullying.
• Ask yourself whether your child is seeing bullying at home, in other places, on TV or in video games. Sometimes bullying happens because children see others doing it.
• Reflect on messages your child is getting about ‘standing up for themselves’. Sometimes comments about being strong, aggressive, assertive or ‘not a loser’ can encourage children to bully.
• Think about your child’s self-esteem. Sometimes children bully others to feel more powerful or important.

Step 3: guide your child away from bullying

When you understand what’s happening and why, you can think about what you can change to stop the bullying and guide your child towards more positive behaviour. Here are ideas:

• Share stories with positive messages about friendship and inclusion. You could ask your local library or child’s school for suggestions.
• Look for ways to show your child that your family values kindness and respect. For example, talk about a time someone was kind or gentle to you.
• Point out your child’s positive social qualities. For example, they might like helping others or be a good listener. This will help them develop a positive sense of themselves.

How to work with the school to stop your child from bullying others

If your child is bullying at school, the best way to stop it is by working on the bullying with the school.

How to work with your child’s school constructively and positively

1. Let your child know that you’re working with the school to help them.
2. Discuss the problem with your child’s teacher, and ask what the school does in these situations. For example, ask them about their bullying policy and support programs for your child, especially if your child has been bullied themselves.
3. Ask what you can do from home to support the school’s approach.
4. Make a plan for managing the situation, and set a time for a follow-up meeting.

What if your child doesn’t want the school involved?

Your child might be embarrassed or think that you’re over-reacting by working with the school.

Learning to treat others respectfully is an important aspect of your child’s social and emotional development. The best way to support your child is by working with the school, even if it’s against your child’s wishes.

It’s best to do something about bullying sooner rather than later. You have the most influence on your child’s bullying behaviour while they’re young. The younger your child is, the more likely they are to change the way they behave.

What to do if your child keeps bullying others

If this isn’t the first time your child has bullied and you’ve already tried the suggestions above, you might need to take further steps.

Keep working with the school or other organisation

Working with the organisation will give you the best chance of changing your child’s behaviour.

Consider counselling for your child

Your child might need counselling to help them stop bullying and develop more positive ways of relating to other children. Counselling can help if your child is having trouble with self-esteem, anger or impulse control.

If the bullying is happening at school, the school might offer counselling or refer you to someone else.

Your child can also see a mental health professional who isn’t associated with their school. Your GP can help you find local professionals and give you a referral if you need it.

Confidential telephone counselling services like Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 can help if your child wants to speak to someone between appointments.

How to prevent future bullying by being a role model

Preventing bullying is about helping your child learn how to behave towards others with empathy, respect and care.

Be respectful and caring

When you and other adults in your child’s life model respectful and caring behaviour, you help your child build the skills they need to develop positive relationships and feel good about themselves.

This can be as simple as making sure your child always hears you talking about other people with respect and empathy. For example, ‘I know that your teacher can be grumpy sometimes, but they have a lot of experience and knowledge to share with you’.

It’s great if your child sees that your social media posts are always kind and respectful too.

Express strong emotions in healthy ways

You can also help your child learn to express anger or negative emotions in healthy ways. For example, if you feel angry, you could say something like, ‘I feel angry just now. Could we talk about this later when I’ve calmed down?’

This lets your child know that you can express feelings without acting on them.

Resolve conflicts constructively

If you have a conflict with your child or somebody else, it can be a chance to show your child how to resolve conflicts constructively. For example, it often works best to listen to your child, express your own feelings without judgment, and look for ways to negotiate and compromise.

If your child has a warm and positive relationship with you, they’re less likely to bully others. And when your family sets rules and standards for the way you treat each other, it helps to build positive relationships in your family. This can go a long way towards helping your child grow into a well-adjusted, considerate and caring adult.