Why do your kids fight so much?
Your kids might disagree, argue or fight because they’re still developing emotional, social and problem-solving skills.
This means that fights might start when your kids:
- see a situation as unfair or see it in different ways
- feel that siblings don’t see their perspective
- want to assert what they think are their rights.
For example, an older child might see it as a joke to tease a younger child, but the younger child might not think it’s funny.
It might help to know that there’ll be less fighting as your children grow and develop better social skills.
Are there any upsides to sibling fights?
When fights get worked out fairly and without anyone getting hurt, they can be a great chance for your kids to:
- practise the social skills they’ll need as adults
- learn better ways to resolve conflict
- build problem-solving skills like negotiating
- learn the importance of seeing another person’s point of view
- learn respect for people’s rights, feelings and belongings.
If you need to handle a fight, it’s important to stop things before anyone gets hurt. Let everyone cool down before you talk about solutions or consequences.
How temperament affects sibling fighting
Children are born with their own temperaments, which is the way they respond to the world. Temperamental differences might explain why your children respond differently to the same situation.
For example, your kids might be more or less:
- flexible
- persistent
- sociable
- emotionally reactive
- relaxed
- open to negotiation.
You can choose parenting strategies that develop the positive parts of your children’s temperaments and help them learn how to behave so that fighting is less likely to happen.
How environment affects children’s fighting
From a very young age, kids learn how to sort out differences by watching and copying behaviour they see around them.
Positive environments
If your kids see you sorting out your differences and managing disagreements in positive ways, they’ll learn to behave this way too. This is called modelling positive behaviour.
You can model behaviour like:
- staying calm or walking away to calm down if you’re overwhelmed
- listening to other people’s points of view
- checking the facts before you act
- calmly discussing possibilities for compromise
- agreeing to think about things and come back later if you need to.
Negative environments
Children learn from negative behaviour too.
If parents discipline children by using physical punishment like smacking, children are more likely to be physically violent with their siblings or friends – or even their parents. They’re also more likely to choose fighting if they:
- see people – particularly their parents, older siblings or friends – being aggressive towards each other
- get what they want by pushing, shoving or fighting
- don’t have consistent limits on fighting or aggression.
How age and skills affect children’s fighting
The way your kids handle conflict is partly determined by their ages, but it’s also determined by their skill levels. Young children commonly behave aggressively, but this usually changes as they grow and you help them learn better ways of resolving conflict.
At 3-4 years
Kids:
- are starting to cooperate, share and take turns
- are still learning to manage emotions, especially strong emotions like frustration
- still need support, reminders and positive feedback
- might still express frustration and impatience in physical ways like pushing.
At 5-7 years
Kids:
- are better at sharing, taking turns, compromising and talking through options
- are better at sorting out problems without needing grown-ups to step in
- still need encouragement, particularly if they’re upset or excited.
At 8-12 years
Kids:
- tend to be less physical although physical conflict can still happen
- often have stronger verbal problem-solving skills, so they tend to have more verbal disagreements
- often have a strong sense of fairness, so arguments might centre on fairness, privacy, belongings, responsibilities and independence
- tend to be more social and want to get along with other kids.
Sibling fights are common, but repeated physical aggression, threats, intimidation, deliberate humiliation, damaging belongings or other behaviour that makes a sibling afraid isn’t typical or OK. This behaviour needs professional support. It might help to talk with a paediatrician or psychologist.