How to stop sibling fights from happening & help kids get along

1. Show your kids how to get along

You are the number-one role model for your kids. They’ll notice if you work out differences without fighting.

For example, when your kids see you disagreeing respectfully, working through problems and apologising when you get things wrong, they learn that not everyone will see things the same way, and that’s OK.

You can also model behaviour that makes fights less likely.

For example, if fights start in your family when siblings don’t respect each other’s space, you can be a role model by knocking before entering your child’s bedroom. This helps your children learn this is the respectful thing to do in your family.

2. Catch your kids behaving in positive ways

This means noticing and giving positive feedback to your kids when they’re treating each other kindly, respecting each other’s space and property, trying to solve problems and so on.

When you use descriptive praise and encouragement for this kind of behaviour, you’re much more likely to see it again.

Examples of praise that can prevent sibling fights

‘I really like the way you’re both taking turns on the trampoline.’
‘You’re all sharing and playing really nicely together.’
‘You worked out that problem by listening to each other and finding a solution. Well done.’

Prosocial behaviour includes showing kindness, comforting others when they’re sad, sharing, helping and cooperating. When you praise and encourage prosocial behaviour in your children, it can also help them learn to resolve conflict constructively.

3. Set clear family rules

Family rules let kids know what’s OK and what’s not. If you have family rules in place, it’s easier for you to remind kids of how you expect them to treat each other.

Tips for using family rules to prevent fights

Involve kids in setting up rules. When kids help to make the rules, they’re more likely to remember and respect them.
Write rules that include positive statements about how you want to treat each other. For example, ‘We use a polite voice when we speak to others’.
Put a copy of your house rules on the fridge or somewhere everyone can see them.
Follow through consistently when kids don’t follow the rules. Start with a friendly reminder. For example, ‘Remember, we always ask before touching other people’s things’. Then give them another chance. If kids still break the rules, use an agreed consequence.

Fights can start when siblings feel their parents aren’t treating them fairly. But fair treatment doesn’t always mean the same treatment. Your kids might have different rules and responsibilities because they have different abilities or needs or they’re different ages. Things might feel fairer and fights might be less likely if you explain these differences.

4. Set up routines

It’s easier to handle disagreements about everyday things when you have a family routine. It means that everyone knows whose turn it is to choose a movie, who does what chores and on what days, and who’s first in line for the PlayStation, trampoline or bathroom, and so on.

Example of a routine that can prevent sibling fights

Television – Samantha chooses the program from 6.30-7 pm. Jake chooses from 7.30-8 pm (after Samantha has gone to bed).
Games – Jake chooses on Saturdays. Samantha chooses on Sundays.
Bathroom – Jake uses the bathroom first in the morning, then Samantha.
Chores – Samantha and Jake take it in turns to do the chores. They do garbage duty one week and drying the dishes the next week.

5. Coach your kids in problem-solving

You are your children’s problem-solving coach. You teach them how to handle disagreements and guide them towards skills for managing angry feelings, negotiating and playing fair. This is better than being a referee who breaks up fights or steps in when they’re brewing.

Tips for coaching your kids in problem-solving

Give your kids opportunities to play with others. Playgroups, playdates and games help kids learn to play well together and practise positive alternatives to fighting.
Help kids find ways to express upset or angry emotions through calm words or positive activities. For example, water play, painting and playdough can help younger children express feelings. Older children might find that kicking a ball or playing music helps.

6. Cool down fighting hot spots

It can help to think ahead about how to handle fights in tricky situations. Sometimes it might help to explain that if fighting breaks out, you’ll remove a treat or privilege (or whatever your family rules say). But it’s also good to set up things so that there are fewer opportunities for children to fight.

Here are ideas to help you plan for common fighting hot spots.

At home

Make sure there are enough toys for everyone, so siblings can play together without always having to take turns.
Allow each child to have some special things of their own that they don’t have to share with siblings. Private space – even just a drawer that siblings can’t get into – is a good idea too.
If you’re organising playdates, try inviting a friend for each of your children or organising for one child to go somewhere else if the other is having a friend over.
Have your kids play close to you so you can step in quickly if disagreements turn into fights – especially for children under 5 years.
Distract your kids or change the environment if you sense a fight coming. For example, suggest a new game, join in yourself for a while, take the kids outside to play, or read a book with a child on either side of you.
If you need to make a phone call, set your children up with an activity (or separate activities) that will keep them interested.

At the supermarket

Before you go in, remind your children what you expect. For example, ’We're going to stay together, use calm voices and keep our hands to ourselves’.
Ask siblings to hold onto opposite sides of the shopping trolley. Or send them to opposite ends of the aisle to choose grocery items.
Give each child a job. For example, one could hold the list and read each item, and the other could get the items off the shelf.
If supermarket fights are very bad, see whether you can leave one of the children with a friend or family member while you shop.

Out and about

Distract kids if you sense a fight coming. For example, a game like ‘I spy’ can work at the supermarket, the beach, on public transport or in the car.
On public transport, park yourself or a pram between your kids.

In the car

If there’s a spare seat in the back, sit kids on either side of it. Or put a grown-up or older child between the children most likely to fight.
If your oldest child is old enough, put them in the front seat. Keep in mind legal requirements for car travel for children.

Always pull over if a fight breaks out while you’re driving. Turning around to talk to children or separate them is dangerous because it takes your attention off the road.

7. Let your kids work it out sometimes

Children with siblings can practise and build relationship skills like sharing, helping, negotiating, cooperating and resolving conflict. This can help your kids get along better and deal positively with conflicts with other children.

Tips for helping siblings work things out

Let kids talk, debate and even argue if you think they’re trying to work things out. Give enthusiastic feedback about what they’re doing. For example, ‘I’m proud of the way you’re trying to work this out on your own’.
Give tips. A few well-placed suggestions might be all your kids need. For example, ‘Do you think that’s the best tone of voice right now?’ or ‘Remember to be fair and take turns. Whose turn was it last?’
Give friendly reminders about house rules – what you expect and what will happen if a fight breaks out. For example, ‘Remember we all speak nicely’ or ‘Remember what happens if you don’t keep your hands and feet to yourself’.

Sometimes disagreements about a device or a favourite toy seem to turn into name-calling and arguing straight away. If this sounds like your situation, you might want to start reminders and coaching as soon as the device is turned on or the toy comes out.