Why you might need to break up sibling fights
Depending on their ages, your children are still learning how to manage strong emotions, so they might need your help to calm down before they can work through a problem.
Also, stepping in to break up a fight helps your children learn that fighting isn’t an acceptable way to get what you want.
If your kids fight, try to use the opportunity to help them learn skills for avoiding fights and solving problems. This can help to prevent fights in future.
When to break up a sibling fight
You need to break up fights between your children if:
- a fight involves shouting, hurtful language or physical violence
- your children are threatening or intimidating each other.
But if a sibling fight is just a verbal disagreement, you might be able to stand back. This can give your kids the chance to sort it out for themselves.
How to break up a sibling fight: steps for all ages
1. Step in if the fight is escalating
This might require physically separating your children or asking them to move to different spaces until everyone is calmer.
2. Stay calm
Speak calmly and directly. Try to save your energy for when your children are calmer, and you can give positive feedback on behaviour that you want to encourage.
3. Tell kids you’ll talk about it later
Children are often too upset to take in what you’re saying at first. Wait until things settle down before you talk about the issue. This could even be the next day with older children.
If a fight breaks out while you’re driving, always pull over. Turning around to talk to children or separate them is dangerous because it takes your attention off the road.
How to handle a sibling fight constructively: tips for all ages
These tips can make it easier to cool things down when sibling fights break out.
Treat children fairly
Remember – fair treatment isn’t necessarily the same treatment. For example, you can have different expectations of a 6-year-old and a 3-year-old.
If your family uses consequences, make sure they’re appropriate for each child’s age and behaviour.
Avoid negative comparisons
Saying something like, ‘You should have known better because you’re older’ or ‘You’re the troublemaker’ can make a child feel even more hurt or resentful.
Identify the cause of fighting
This helps you work out the best thing to do. Keeping an eye on your children is the secret to understanding the reasons for fighting and deciding on the right way to deal with it.
For example, if children are fighting over a toy, it might be because they can’t work out how to share it or because one child took the toy from the other. Your response will be different depending on the cause.
Use family rules
Family rules can make expectations about behaviour clear. For example, ‘We speak kindly’ or ‘We don’t hit’. You can remind your children of the relevant family rule and follow through consistently with consequences.
Have a plan
This means thinking ahead about how you’ll handle small disagreements or big fights before they happen.
For example, you might let children work out a minor disagreement on their own or help them work it. But you might decide to use consequences for fights involving physical violence or fights that happen after you’ve all agreed on a solution to a problem.
When your children cooperate, compromise, help each other or solve a problem together, let them know you've noticed. Positive feedback can encourage the behaviour you want to see more often.
How to problem-solve after a sibling fight: steps for older children (5-8 years)
If you have older kids, you can take steps after a fight to help them learn how to solve their own problems in the future.
For best results, wait until tempers have cooled and children are ready to reason again.
1. Let your kids know what you plan to do
For example, ‘I’ve decided that neither of you should use the gaming console until we can find a way to stop the fighting. Do you understand? Are you willing to work on solving the problem now or later?’
2. Ask kids to say what they think the problem is
It’s good to encourage your kids to try to see the problem from the other person’s point of view as well as their own. You could tell them that people might disagree even when they both have valid points of view. You might need to remind them to listen to each other before talking.
3. Ask kids to say what they want to happen
You can also help them think about their expectations. For example, ‘Tegan, is it fair for you to have the console all the time?’
4. Brainstorm ideas together
- Let your kids go wild with ideas for solving the problem.
- Encourage them without judging their ideas.
- Share ideas of your own.
- Write down all the ideas.
5. Rate ideas
Start by asking the children to think of which ideas won’t work. Then look for the solution with the most benefits and the least drawbacks. For example, ‘Does anyone think this might work?’ or ‘What would be good (or bad) about this?’
6. Agree on a solution and try it out
Once you’ve all agreed on a solution, try it out and see how it goes. Start again if things don’t improve.
If you can't find a solution straight away, take a break and come back to the problem when everyone is ready to try again.
How to handle your own emotions when your kids are fighting
Staying calm can help when your kids are fighting. If it’s safe and you don’t need to step in immediately, pause to take a few slow breaths before responding. That extra time is often enough to calm your emotions.
If this doesn’t help, you could ask another adult to handle things while you take some time out.
For more ideas, read our articles on:
When to seek help for sibling fighting
It’s time to seek help if:
- your children are regularly very aggressive towards each other
- your children threaten, intimidate or deliberately humiliate each other
- some of or all your children find it hard to manage strong emotions or impulses.
This kind of fighting can be very distressing for children and lead to future problems with relationships. So if you’re concerned about how your kids behave when they disagree, it’s best to speak to a professional. Start by talking with your GP.
And if you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed by fighting, it’s worth getting support. You could start by talking to family, friends and other parents. If you need advice right away, you can try a parenting helpline.