Loss of privilege: what is it?
Loss of privilege is taking away something your child enjoys as a consequence for challenging behaviour. You can use it when your child is behaving in challenging ways without a good reason.
For example, you might take away the privilege of video games if your child refuses to do their homework. But you wouldn’t use loss of privilege if your child was refusing to do their homework because it was too difficult.
What to consider if you use loss of privilege and other consequences
Loss of privilege and other consequences work best when you have a close and loving relationship with your child. That’s because your child will do best when they feel supported, encouraged and safe.
It’s also best to:
- combine loss of privilege with strategies for encouraging positive behaviour in children and encouraging positive behaviour in teenagers, including positive attention and praise
- link loss of privilege to your family rules and involve your child in deciding on rules and consequences
- help your child to understand and manage their emotions in challenging situations.
Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.
Why use loss of privilege?
If your child loses privileges as a consequence of challenging behaviour, it means your child has to take responsibility for their behaviour. That’s because your child has chosen to behave that way while knowing what the consequence will be. This helps your child learn self-regulation.
This will increase your child’s success in the short term – for example, in following rules at school. It will help your child in the long term too – for example, when they need to know the limits at work.
When to use loss of privilege
Loss of privilege can be an option when other positive behaviour strategies haven’t worked. For example, you’ve talked with your child and tried to understand why they’re behaving in a particular way.
It’s also a useful consequence when there isn’t a natural or related consequence – for example, if your child breaks a family rule by using their technology outside the agreed time.
You can also take away a privilege when you need to back up other consequences. For example, you’ve asked your child to clean their room, but your child won’t do it. A natural consequence could be that your child can’t find their shoes. If your child still refuses to clean up their room, this could be a good time to take away a privilege – for example, by putting their skateboard away for an hour.
Loss of privilege is best used only occasionally.
Loss of privilege works well when you have plenty of warm and positive interactions with your child. If your child’s behaviour or other things in your life are affecting your interactions with your child, ask for help. You can contact a parent helpline. Your GP or child and family health nurse can also give you advice or a referral to a counsellor or other professional.
Who to use loss of privilege with
Loss of privilege works well for school-age children who can understand that the consequence is the result of continued unacceptable behaviour. For example, ‘Imogen, if you choose not to do your homework, you’ll miss out on going to the park for the afternoon’.
Loss of privilege isn’t useful for children younger than 6 years because they can’t connect their behaviour with the consequence. For children aged 3-6 years, you could use other positive behaviour strategies, including natural or related consequences or time-out. It’s also not appropriate for children who are struggling to choose appropriate behaviour because of family stress, trauma or other challenges.
Autistic children or children with learning difficulties might need your help to understand when the privilege will be available again, because they might think it’s lost forever. You can read more in our article on challenging behaviour in autistic children.
What is a privilege?
A privilege is something your child enjoys.
Privileges that you could take away from your child include:
- a preferred activity
- TV, video gaming and computers for anything other than schoolwork
- mobile phone access or credit top-up
- an after-school activity.
A privilege doesn’t have to be related to the challenging behaviour, but your child needs to understand why they’re losing it and see it as reasonable.
Privileges are different from rights. A right is something your child needs. For example, children have a right to things like food, water and the feeling of being loved. You can take away a privilege as a consequence for challenging behaviour, but you shouldn’t take away a right.
How to use loss of privilege: steps
Before challenging behaviour
- At a time when everyone is calm, talk with your child about your family rules and the reasons for them. For example, ‘We speak gently and politely to each other because it’s kind and respectful’.
- Agree on a loss of privilege that’s fair if your child breaks a rule. For example, ‘If you yell at me, you’ll miss out on PlayStation for the morning’.
When challenging behaviour happens
- Give your child a chance to explain their behaviour, and talk about other options before they lose a privilege. For example, ‘I can see that you’re getting frustrated when I ask you to do your homework. What’s making it hard for you to do it?’
- Give your child a chance to change their behaviour before they lose the privilege. For example, ‘Please stop yelling at me, and speak in a quiet voice’.
- If your child stops the behaviour, praise your child for doing the right thing. Keep giving your child attention and praise while your child continues behaving well. For example, ‘I love that calm voice you’re using to talk to me now’.
- If your child doesn’t stop the behaviour, wait for a short period (about 15 seconds) and then follow through with the loss of privilege. For example, ‘You didn’t stop yelling, so you can’t use the PlayStation this morning’.
Note: always step in straight away to prevent dangerous or aggressive behaviour – for example, if your child is kicking or running onto the road.
If your child says, ‘I don’t care’ when you take a privilege away, try to ignore this and continue with removing the privilege. Your child might say this to see whether you’ll choose something else, or because they need to let out their feelings. If your child cares about losing the privilege you’ve chosen, you should slowly see a change in their behaviour.
Tips for using loss of privilege
If you use loss of privilege as a consequence in your family, these practical tips can help this strategy work well for you:
- Make sure you understand why your child is behaving in the challenging way. Ask them what they’re feeling or what’s happening for them. You might not need to use loss of privilege if your child feels heard and understood.
- Make sure the privilege you’re taking away is reasonable, brief and practical. For example, ‘No bike for a month’ is harsh. Your child might be resentful and less likely to cooperate with you. It might also be hard to stick to.
- Be clear and specific about the timeline. For example, ‘Because you won’t help clear the dinner dishes, you’ll miss out on watching the movie tonight’.
- Put up a list of your family rules and consequences on the fridge (including any loss of privileges) as a handy reminder.
- When you and your child are discussing the privilege they’ll lose, think about the overall effect and whether it’s fair and reasonable. For example, missing a game for a team sport might affect the whole team, not just your child. But less time playing online games is less likely to affect others.
- Be consistent in using loss of privilege as you’ve planned. If you say you’re going to take away a privilege for a certain amount of time, make sure you do this every time the behaviour happens. Consistency makes it easier for your child to learn which behaviour isn’t acceptable in your family.
You’ll know whether the loss of privilege has worked if the challenging behaviour stops or happens less. But you might need to use it a few times before you see a change in your child’s behaviour.