Consequences: positive behaviour strategy

Consequences and children’s behaviour

Consequences are the things that happen because of our actions and decisions. They’re a part of everyday life for everyone.

Consequences can influence behaviour.

Some consequences can make behaviour more likely in the future. These consequences include positive attention, praise, encouragement and rewards, and other things your child likes.

Other consequences make behaviour less likely in the future. These consequences are things your child doesn’t like. They might include the consequences you give your child for challenging behaviour, like quiet time, time-out or loss of privilege.

Plenty of positive consequences for positive behaviour might mean fewer consequences for challenging behaviour.

What to consider if you use consequences as a behaviour strategy

Consequences work best when you have a close and loving relationship with your child. That’s because your child will do best when they feel supported, encouraged and safe.

It’s also best to:

• combine consequences with strategies for encouraging positive behaviour in children, including positive attention and praise
• link consequences to your family rules and involve your child in deciding on rules and consequences
• help your child to understand and manage their emotions in challenging situations.

Many things influence children’s behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.

Natural consequences

Sometimes it’s best to let children experience the natural consequences of their own behaviour. This helps them learn that their actions have consequences. They might learn to take responsibility for what they do.

Here are examples of natural consequences that encourage behaviour:

• If your child keeps their room tidy, they can find their toys easily.
• If your child waits for their turn in a game, the game goes more smoothly.
• If your child puts on their shoes, their feet stay clean and dry.

Here are examples of natural consequences that discourage behaviour:

• If your child refuses to put on a coat, your child feels cold.
• If your child won’t eat now, your child feels hungry later.
• If your child doesn’t complete their homework, your child fails the assignment.

Although natural consequences can be a useful way to guide your child’s behaviour, not all behaviour has a natural consequence.

Also, natural consequences aren’t always appropriate. For example, dangerous or antisocial behaviour could lead to your child or someone else getting hurt. Likewise, regularly not doing schoolwork isn’t good for your child’s learning. In these situations, you can’t just ignore your child’s behaviour. You need to step in to guide your child, which might involve using a different type of consequence.

You might feel bad for your child when they experience negative natural consequences, but try not to say, ‘I told you so’. This won’t help your child learn from the experience. If your child is open to talking, it might be better to say something like, ‘What do you think you could do differently next time?’

Related or logical consequences

A related or logical consequence is a consequence that’s related to the behaviour. For example:

• If your child is being silly and spills their drink, they must wipe it up.
• If your child leaves their bike in the driveway, the bike gets put away for an hour.
• If children are fighting over a toy, the toy is put away for 10 minutes.

Related consequences work best when they’re brief and make sense to your child. That way your child soon gets an opportunity to practise the positive behaviour, and you can reinforce this behaviour with praise and positive attention.

The advantage of related consequences is they get your child to think about the issue, they feel fairer, and they tend to work better than consequences that aren’t related. But it’s not always easy or possible to find a related consequence.

Other types of consequences: quiet time, time-out and loss of privilege

Other types of consequences include quiet time, time-out and loss of privilege. These consequences aren’t necessarily related to the challenging behaviour. But if you use them well, they give your child the opportunity to stop, think about their behaviour and learn from its consequences.

Quiet time and time-out are when you take your child away from activities and other people for a short period of time. These strategies work well for children aged 3-6 years.

Loss of privilege is taking away a favourite object or activity for a while because of challenging behaviour. It can help children aged 6 years and over learn that their behaviour has consequences. For example, your child swears and you turn off the games console for a while.

Yelling, threatening and smacking don’t work as consequences. These types of consequences don’t help children learn about positive behaviour. In families that use these types of consequences, children often keep behaving in challenging ways. And these types of consequences can have long-term negative effects on children’s development.

Putting consequences into action: steps

Here are 3 simple steps for putting consequences into action:

1. Stay calm. If you’re calm, your child is more likely to stay calm too, which makes it easier for them to think about their behaviour. If you get angry, your child might also get angry, and this makes things harder for both of you.
2. When the behaviour happens, give your child clear instructions and a chance to change their behaviour. For example, ‘Frankie, let Jay have a turn please’. The exception is when a child breaks an important family rule. For example, ‘We touch each other gently in this family. Hitting means you go straight to time-out’.
3. Follow through with the consequence. For example, ‘Frankie, because you haven’t taken turns, you’ll need to sit out for the next round’.
4. After the consequence is over, give your child the chance to practise the positive behaviour, and then praise your child. For example, ‘Great turn-taking! The game is going so smoothly now’.

A clear set of family rules can help with guiding your child’s behaviour in positive ways. Family rules help everyone in your family understand what to do, rather than only what not to do.

Making consequences work: tips

Use consequences as a response to behaviour
This means using consequences for your child’s behaviour rather than being critical of your child. This way your child will feel loved and safe – even when you’re using consequences. For example, ’In our family, we share. Because you can’t agree on sharing the toy, it’s being put away for the next 10 minutes’.

Point out the positive consequences of children’s behaviour
This helps your child learn that they can make good things happen. For example, ‘Look how easy it is to find your toys since you tidied your room. Great job!’

Reserve consequences for children over 3 years
Children younger than 3 years don’t really understand consequences, because they often can’t understand the connection between their actions and the outcomes of those actions. Consequences just feel unfair to them.

Explain consequences ahead of time
If your child knows what to expect and why, they’re more likely to accept consequences and less likely to feel angry about them. For example, ‘When you don’t share your toys, the toys get put away’.

Use consequences fairly, according to children’s needs and abilities
You might use different consequences according to your children’s ages. But if you’ve decided to give your children consequences for challenging behaviour, it’s important to use them the same way for everyone. Even young children will be upset if they see other children being treated differently from them.

Use consequences consistently
If you use consequences in the same way and for the same behaviour every time, your child knows what to expect. For example, you might always use a time-out for hitting. You might need to use consequences a few times before your child learns to behave differently. It takes time to learn, but being consistent with consequences will help your child learn faster.

Keep consequences short
Keeping it short means your child doesn’t have to wait long before practising the positive behaviour. For example, if you turn off the TV for 10 minutes because children are fighting over the remote control, they quickly get another opportunity to solve the problem in a different way and get praise from you.

Respond early
If you wait to see whether the behaviour stops, it might get worse instead, which makes it harder for you to stay calm.

Give the consequence soon after the behaviour
When you do need to use a consequence, it’s best if the consequence happens as soon as possible after the behaviour.

But it’s best not to give a consequence immediately if you’re feeling very angry, because you might overreact or be too harsh. Instead, say something like ‘I’m feeling angry at the moment. We’ll talk about this again in a couple of minutes when I’m feeling calmer’.

Consequences work well when your relationship with your child is strong, with plenty of warm and positive interactions. If your child’s behaviour or other things in your life are affecting your interactions with your child, ask for help. You can contact a parent helpline. Your GP or child and family health nurse can also give you advice or a referral to a counsellor or other professional.