Communicating & relationships: 9-18 years

Family relationships in the pre-teen and teenage years

Family relationships change during adolescence, but they tend to stay strong. In fact, teenagers need family love and support as much as they did when they were younger.

At the same time, teenagers usually want more privacy and more personal space. This is a natural part of adolescence.

Children also need more responsibility and independence as they grow towards young adulthood. How quickly you hand over responsibility to your child depends on many things – your own comfort level, your family and cultural traditions, your child’s maturity and so on.

And as teenagers develop independence and responsibility, they need advice, support and monitoring. The best monitoring is low key, although there’ll be times when it’s OK for you to ask your child for specific information about where they’re going and who they’re with.

Trust is the key to finding a balance between your child’s need for privacy and responsibility and your need to know what’s going on. If you and your child trust each other and stay connected, your child will be more likely to share what they’re up to, stick to the rules, and try to live up to your expectations.

Staying connected with pre-teens and teenagers

You can stay connected and build your relationship with your child by using unplanned, everyday interactions – for example, a casual chat over the washing-up. Or connecting can be planned. This is when you make special time to do things together that you both enjoy.

Here are ideas for planned and unplanned connecting:

Have regular family meals.
Go on fun family outings.
Spend one-on-one time with your child.
Have family meetings to sort out problems.
Do simple, kind things – a pat on the back, a hug or a knock on the door before entering your child’s bedroom.

Listening and communicating with pre-teens and teenagers

Active listening can be a powerful tool to improve communication and build a positive relationship with your child. This is because active listening is a way of saying to your child, ‘Right now, you’re the most important thing to me’.

Here’s a quick guide to active listening:

Stop what you’re doing, and give your child your full attention.
Look at your child while they’re talking to you.
Show interest, perhaps by asking questions. For example, ‘What happened after that?’
Show your child that you’re trying to understand by saying things like, ‘Let me check I understand …’.
Listen without interrupting, judging or correcting.
Concentrate hard on what your child is saying.

Negotiating and conflict management with pre-teens and teenagers

Your child needs to learn about making decisions as part of the journey towards becoming an independent, responsible young adult. Negotiating can help your child learn to think through what they want or need and communicate this in a reasonable way.

There’ll also be times when negotiating doesn’t work out, and you and your child disagree – this is normal. Dealing with conflict effectively can make your relationship stronger. It also helps your child learn important life skills.

Difficult conversations with pre-teens and teenagers

Sometimes you and your child might need to have difficult conversations. Sex, sexual orientation, masturbation, gender identity, social media use, alcohol and other drugs, school problems, mental health, work and money are all topics that families can find difficult to talk about.

Tackling difficult conversations together is a sign that you and your child have a healthy relationship. It also helps to keep your relationship with your child close and trusting.

Here are tips for handling difficult conversations:

Try to stay calm. If you need time to calm down or gather your thoughts, make a time to talk later on in the day.
Reassure your child that you do want to discuss the issue.
Let your child know you’re happy that they want to talk to you.
Actively listen to your child’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.
Avoid criticism, judgment or emotion.

Your child might avoid difficult conversations. If this is happening, you could try setting aside time each day to talk with your child. Ask your child open-ended questions, and let them know you’re happy to listen whenever they do want to talk.

Pre-teen and teenage friendships

As children enter adolescence, friends become increasingly important. Positive, accepting and supportive friendships help teenagers develop towards adulthood – and you can play an important role in helping your child manage these peer relationships.

For example, just having a warm and caring relationship with your child can help your child with their own social relationships. And praising teenagers when you see them being fair, trusting and supportive encourages them to keep working on those positive social traits.

Getting to know your child’s friends shows your child you understand how important these friendships are. One way to do this is by encouraging your child to have friends over and giving them space in your home.

‘Frenemies’
Teenage friendships can sometimes turn ‘toxic’, and friends can turn into ‘frenemies’. These friendships might involve put-downs, manipulation, exclusion and other hurtful behaviour.

You can help your child avoid toxic friendships by talking with your child about what good friends are like – they’re the ones who care about your child, include your child in activities and treat your child with trust and respect.

Teenage friendships can change. There might be times when your child needs help navigating friendship difficulties and moving into a new friendship group.

Teenage romantic relationships

Romantic relationships are a major developmental milestone for your child. Romantic relationships often start happening around 14-17 years, but there isn’t a right age to start having relationships.

Younger teenagers usually hang out together in groups. They might meet up with someone special among friends and then gradually spend more time with that person alone.

Talking with your child can help you get a sense of whether now is the right time for relationships. If your child is interested in romantic relationships, you and your child might need to talk about consent, behaviour and ground rules, and consequences for breaking the rules. You might also want to agree on what your child should do if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable.

You can be a positive role model for respectful relationships in your own relationships and friendships by treating your partner, friends and family with care and respect. Just talking about people respectfully sends the message that you think everyone is equal and valuable.