Parenting after trauma: caring for your family & yourself

After a traumatic event: how you might feel as a parent

You and your child might have experienced a traumatic event together – for example, a serious car accident, a bushfire or flood, or the death of a family member or friend. Or the trauma might be something that happened only to you or only to your child.

Even if you didn’t go through the traumatic event with your child, you might still have strong feelings and reactions afterwards. For example, you might feel:

guilty that you couldn’t stop the event or that you weren’t with your child
angry that the event happened
anxious about how your child is coping
disappointed by other people’s responses
overwhelmed by emotions or practical tasks.

These are natural reactions, because you feel responsible for keeping your child safe. Unfortunately this isn’t always possible.

I was overwhelmed because I was finding it very hard to hold it together. I also blamed myself. I felt powerless and withdrew from social situations at times when things seemed the most difficult, as my way of coping.
– Miriam, mother of a 3-year-old

What can help you cope with parent trauma?

After a traumatic event it can feel like your life has been turned upside down. There might be new demands on your time, like medical appointments or insurance claims, as well as the demands of daily life. Many of your usual routines might be disrupted or more difficult to manage.

In a situation like this, you’re more likely to cope in a calm and positive way if you:

care for yourself
focus on family life
seek support.

And when you’re coping well, your child is more likely to cope well too.

If you can create a sense of family togetherness and help your child work through feelings, you’ll be providing a supportive environment as your family recovers.

How to care for yourself as a parent after trauma

If you care for yourself, you’ll be better placed to help your child cope:

Try muscle relaxation exercises or breathing exercises. These can help if you’re feeling worried or jumpy or you’re having trouble sleeping.
Do exercise. For example, go for a brisk walk or do a quick workout. This can help you think and feel better.
Practise self-compassion. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can in a difficult situation, and remember times in your past when you’ve coped with hard things.
Try to do one thing you enjoy every day. It could just be 15 minutes to go for a run, knit, listen to your favourite music or read a book.
Be aware that reminders of the traumatic event might upset you. If you notice that you’re getting anxious, it can help to say to yourself, ‘I’m anxious because I’m being reminded of the event, but it’s different now. There’s no danger, and I’m safe’. If you’re having nightmares or flashbacks, see your GP.
Avoid smoking, limit alcohol and other drugs, and avoid addictive activities like gambling. These activities can create health, relationship and financial problems that make recovering after a traumatic event even harder.
Try to avoid scrolling social media for long periods of time. This can teach your brain to numb distress and other painful emotions rather than processing them.

How to manage family life after trauma

It’s a good idea to take things as easy as possible:

Keep in mind that you might not be able to do everything you normally do. Work out which of your daily tasks are the most important and focus on those. You can also try breaking larger tasks into smaller steps.
Try to maintain regular routines because this will help you and your child feel secure. It might also help you feel more on top of things. If you can’t do your usual routines, you might need to create new routines.
Avoid making major decisions – for example, moving to another town – after the traumatic event. The trauma might have changed your view of the world, so it’s good to leave big decisions until life has settled down a bit.

How to get support for yourself after trauma

When you seek support, it’s good for you and good for your family:

Share your feelings with trusted friends or family members. Talking can help you feel less burdened. It might also help you understand things so you can move on. For example, ‘We’ve been really cranky with each other, but considering what we’ve been through, I think we’re doing pretty well’.
Ask for support from family, friends and others. Your GP can suggest other sources of support too. Accept help when it’s offered.
Keep in touch with family, friends and people in your community. Parents who stay in touch with family and friends and who stay involved in their communities tend to cope better after traumatic events than those who don’t.

What are the signs that you’re not coping after trauma?

Over time most people cope after a traumatic event, but a few people might have trouble coping.

Some of the signs that you might need help to cope after a trauma are:

feeling distanced from the people around you
not being able to care for your child or give them the emotional support they need
finding it hard to get the event out of your mind
feeling emotionally numb
being sensitive to signs of danger or being easily startled or ‘jumpy’
feeling overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety, anger, distress, guilt or self-blame
experiencing persistent changes to your health, like headaches, weight loss and sleep problems.

Talk with your GP if you have any of these signs or you feel you need support. It’s important to get help if you need it. Also, the sooner you get help, the faster you’re likely to recover.

Where to get services and support after trauma

If you feel that you or your family aren’t coping, it’s important to seek help as soon as you can.

Getting support quickly will help you and your child as you recover. You can:

call a parenting helpline
talk with your GP
contact a mental health service for advice and referrals to local services.

You can also find help and support in our Services and support section.

If you’re experiencing family violence and you’re in immediate danger, call the police on 000. You can also contact the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service by calling 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), texting 0458 737 732, using online chat or video calling.