What are distressing or traumatic birth experiences?
Most fathers and other non-birthing parents have positive and rewarding experiences of their partners giving birth. And most babies are born safe and healthy.
But non-birthing parents can also have distressing or traumatic birth experiences. These are experiences that make them feel frightened, invisible, disrespected, powerless, disappointed, anxious or excluded. These experiences are sometimes called ‘birth trauma’ or ‘traumatic birth’.
Examples of distressing or traumatic birth experiences for non-birthing parents
- Seeing your partner in pain and feeling powerless to help
- Fearing for your partner’s or baby’s life
- Feeling that you have little or no control over what’s happening
- Seeing your partner or baby become very sick
- Getting poor communication and support from a midwife or doctor
- Being separated from your partner or baby
- Feeling unheard when advocating for your partner or baby
It’s common for people to think that only birthing mothers have distressing or traumatic birth experiences – but non-birthing parents can be deeply affected too. Other support people like grandparents or friends can also have distressing or traumatic birth experiences.
How do non-birthing parents react to distressing or traumatic birth experiences?
If you’ve been through a distressing or traumatic birth experience as a father or non-birthing parent, you might have various reactions. You might notice reactions during or shortly after the birth, or you might notice them days, weeks or months later. Some non-birthing parents experience reactions much later, including during another pregnancy or birth.
Your reactions can depend on things like:
- whether you’ve had distressing or traumatic experiences in the past
- how you’ve reacted to distressing or traumatic experiences in the past
- how much information you received during the birth
- whether you’re getting support from family, friends, professionals and the community.
Reactions can be psychological and physical.
Common psychological reactions
- Shock, numbness or disbelief – for example, ‘I can’t believe that happened’
- Sleep disturbances, like difficulty falling or staying asleep at night
- Intense worry about your partner or baby
- Helplessness, anger, guilt or shame – for example, ‘I should have done more’
- Intrusive thoughts, flashbacks or nightmares about the birth experience
- A desire to avoid hospitals, conversations about the birth or other reminders
- Low mood or irritability
Common physical reactions
- Loss of appetite or increased appetite
- Lethargy and lack of motivation – for example, moving or exercising less
- Withdrawal from your partner, baby, friends or family
- Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
- Difficulty doing everyday tasks
These are stress reactions. They’re your body’s and mind’s way of coping with an overwhelming and stressful event. You might notice that they settle.
How to look after yourself after a distressing or traumatic birth experience
After a distressing or traumatic birth experience, it can take time to feel better. Looking after yourself can help with this. Looking after yourself is important for you, your partner and your baby.
Tips for feeling better
- Look after your physical health – rest or sleep when you can, eat regular healthy meals, and go for short walks in the fresh air.
- Talk about what happened when you’re ready. This can include saying that you found the experience traumatic or stressful or sharing what happened and how you felt. You could talk to your partner or a trusted friend or family member.
- Spend time with trusted family and friends or join a support group.
- Try breathing for relaxation, muscle relaxation, mindfulness or helpful thinking exercises.
- Ask for and accept practical help from family and friends – for example, help with grocery shopping, cleaning, meals or baby care. This will give you more time to look after yourself.
- Limit alcohol use and other things that numb your feelings. Alcohol and other drugs can make anxiety and low mood worse over time.
- Put boundaries on your social media use if you’re reminded or upset by things you see. For example, limit social media to 10 minutes a day, or adjust your settings so you see fewer upsetting posts.
When to get professional help after a distressing or traumatic birth experience
If you’ve had a distressing or traumatic birth experience, it’s good to talk to your GP or child and family health nurse or another professional.
If you experience any of the symptoms below for more than 2 weeks, it’s important to seek professional help. The sooner you get help, the sooner you’re likely to feel better and recover.
Psychological symptoms
- Unwanted or recurring thoughts, memories, nightmares or flashbacks related to the labour or birth experience
- The desire to avoid places or people that remind you of the birth experience, like hospitals or doctors
- Low mood or irritability for most of the day
- Loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy
- Thoughts about harming yourself or others
- Emotional numbness or distance from people
- Inability to bond with your baby because of overwhelming fear, guilt or anxiety
- A lot of worry about your partner or baby or the feeling that you can’t care for them properly
Physical symptoms
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping a lot more
- Difficulty doing everyday tasks
- Changes in appetite
- Muscle tension, headaches and fatigue
- Increased use of alcohol or other drugs to cope
A small number of fathers and non-birthing partners who’ve experienced a traumatic birth go on to develop depression, anxiety or PTSD.
Where to get professional help after a distressing or traumatic birth experience
There are many people and services who can help you:
- your GP
- your child and family health nurse
- Australian Psychological Society – Find a psychologist
- Birth Trauma Australia
- Dads Group
- QLife for LGBTIQ+ support
- other helplines.