A new baby in a blended family or stepfamily

Planning a new baby in a blended family or stepfamily

If you’re thinking about having a baby with your partner in a blended family or stepfamily, you might decide to tell other children in advance that you’re thinking about having a baby one day. You might say something like ‘You never know – some day we might have another baby’.

Or you might feel like you need extra time for your family to settle in so you might not tell anyone for a while.

Either way, it’s good to give other children time to get used to this idea and a chance to ask questions.

How children might feel when you’re expecting a new baby

A new baby is a big change for the children in your blended family or stepfamily. They might be excited when you tell them the new baby is coming.

They might also feel upset, angry, worried, jealous or even embarrassed. This can be for many reasons:

The pregnancy is getting a lot of attention.
They’re worried they’ll lose their special position as the ‘baby’ of the family or as the ‘only child’.
They’re worried they’ll have less time or contact with you when they visit.
They’re unsure about practical things like where the baby will sleep and whether they’ll keep their bedroom or have to share it.
They’re worried that they won’t belong in the same way as the baby, because the baby will be biologically related to both of you.

Children’s feelings can change over time, so it’s a good idea to check in regularly with your child about how they’re feeling. It’s important to reassure your child and help them understand that some things might change, but they’re still very much loved and valued.

How you and your partner might feel when you’re expecting a new baby

It’s natural to have a mix of feelings about a new baby – excitement, hope and worry about how other children might react.

You and your partner might even feel differently about the baby, especially if one of you is a first-time parent. If this is your first baby but your partner already has children, you might feel that your partner isn’t as excited as you. That’s OK – all couples go through different feelings and stages during pregnancy.

However you’re feeling, it’s important to support each other through the pregnancy and talk about how you’ll prepare other children for the baby’s arrival.

How to prepare children for a new baby in a blended family or stepfamily

How you prepare children for a new baby is up to you and your partner, but it’s a good idea to introduce the idea of a new baby at least a few months before the baby is born.

It’s important to talk with your child about their concerns and reassure them. If they’re upset or angry, hug them if they want you to, reassure them and talk about the positives. For example, they’ll have a new sibling to play with.

Let your child know that there’s plenty of time to get used to the idea and you’re there to talk and answer any questions.

It can also help to involve your child in planning and preparing for the baby in a way that interests them. If you can make this a positive and exciting time, your child is more likely to feel that the change is about everybody in the family, not just the new baby.

You can help your child feel involved by asking for their opinions or getting them to help you choose or set up things for the baby. Your child might like to be involved in experiencing the baby as it grows – for example, by looking at ultrasound images or feeling the baby kick.

As you’re preparing together with your child, try not to overdo the excitement. And if you’re thinking about a special space or room for the baby, it’s important to make sure that your child doesn’t feel left out. For example, it’s a good idea to make the space you’re planning for the baby similar to what your child has.

How to help children adjust after the new baby arrives

As a couple, you can do a lot to help children adjust when you bring your new baby home. Here are ideas:

Make special time for your child each day – for example, have a snack or read together.
If your child is showing signs of being jealous of the baby, try to tune in to their feelings, accept their feelings and talk about them. But you can also let your child know that you expect them to behave in a safe and gentle way around the baby.
Keep your child’s routines consistent, especially in the early months. For example, if you normally read a story to your child before bed, keep doing this. If you’re going to make changes to family routines, try to do it gradually.
Show your child how they can play safely with the baby. If your child is older, you could give them small responsibilities like walking the baby around the garden in a pram. When your child helps out like this, praise them for being a great big brother or sister.
Tell grandparents, teachers and other important adults the news. You could encourage them to give your child extra attention and support.

If the baby is your first child, you might find yourself withdrawing a little from your partner’s children as you become absorbed in the new baby. This is natural, so try not to feel guilty. Kind words or regular hugs each day will keep you and your partner’s children connected.

For tips on getting sibling relationships off to a good start, you can read more about helping toddlers and preschoolers adjust to a new baby and helping older children and teenagers adjust to a new baby.

Your child’s other parent and extended family

Tell your child’s other parent if you and your new partner are expecting a new baby. It’s much better if they hear it from you rather than from someone else. Your child’s other parent might take a while to accept the news, even if you think the news won’t cause hurt feelings.

Other family members might not react in the way you expect. For example, grandparents who have been helpful with one set of grandchildren might feel worried they’re too old to cope with future ones. Just try to reassure them that they can be as involved as they like.