Peer pressure or influence: pre-teens and teenagers

About peer influence and peer pressure

Peer influence is when you choose to do something you wouldn’t otherwise do, because you want to feel accepted and valued by your friends. It isn’t just or always about doing something against your will.

You might hear the term ‘peer pressure’ used a lot. But peer influence is a better way to describe how teenagers’ behaviour is shaped by wanting to feel they belong to a group of friends or peers.

Peer pressure and influence can be positive. For example, pre-teens and teenagers might be influenced to become more assertive, try new activities or get more involved with school.

But it can be negative too. Some pre-teens and teenagers might choose to try things they normally wouldn’t be interested in, like vaping or behaving in antisocial ways.

Peer pressure and influence might result in pre-teens and teenagers:

choosing the same clothes, hairstyle or jewellery as their friends
listening to the same music or watching the same TV shows as their friends
changing the way they talk or the words they use
doing risky things or breaking rules
working harder at school or not working as hard
dating or taking part in sexual activities
vaping, smoking or using alcohol or other drugs.

Peer pressure and influence is part of growing up.

Being yourself: a balance for peer pressure and peer influence

It’s natural to worry that your child is being influenced too much by their peers or that they’re compromising their values (or yours) to fit in with their friends. It’s also natural to worry that your child won’t be able to say no if they get pressure to try risky things, like wagging school or smoking.

But listening to the same music and dressing in the same way as friends doesn’t necessarily mean that your child will also do antisocial or risky things.

If your child is happy with who they are and their choices and values, they’re less likely to be influenced by other people. Your child might choose to do some things that their friends do, but not others. And your influence is important here – it’s the biggest factor shaping your child’s values and long-term choices.

With your influence and a strong sense of themselves, it’s more likely your child will know where to draw the line when it comes to peer pressure and influence.

Helping pre-teens and teenagers manage peer pressure and peer influence

Coping well with peer influence is about getting the balance right between being yourself and fitting in with your group. Here are ideas to help your child with this.

Build your child’s confidence
Confidence can help your child resist negative peer influence. If your child is confident, they’re better able to make safe, informed decisions and avoid people and situations that aren’t right for them.

You can build your child’s confidence by encouraging them to try new things that give them a chance of success and to keep trying even when things are hard. Praising your child for trying hard is important for building confidence too.

You can also be a role model for confidence and show your child how to act confident as the first step towards feeling confident.

Build your child’s self-compassion
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself and treating yourself with the same warmth, care and understanding you’d give to someone you care about. Self-compassion can help your child handle stress and anxiety related to peer influence.

A strong relationship with you helps your child feel loved, accepted and secure. It’s important for self-compassion.

Keep the lines of communication open
You can do this by staying connected to your child. This helps your child feel they can come to you to talk if they’re feeling pressured to do something they’re uncomfortable with.

Suggest ways to say no
Your child might need to have some face-saving ways to say no if they’re feeling influenced to do something they don’t want to do. For example, friends might be encouraging your child to try vaping. Rather than simply saying, ‘No, thanks’, your child could say something like, ‘No, it makes my asthma worse’, or ‘No, I don’t like the way it makes me smell’.

Give your child a way out
If your child feels they’re in a risky situation, it might help if they can contact you for back-up. You and your child could agree on a coded message for those times when your child doesn’t want to feel embarrassed in front of friends. For example, they could say that they’re checking on a sick grandparent, but you’ll know that it really means they need your help.

If your child does contact you, it’s important to focus on your child’s positive choice to ask you for help, rather than on the risky situation your child is in. Your child is more likely to ask for help if they know they won’t get into trouble.

Encourage a wide social network
If your child has the chance to develop friendships from many sources, including sport, family activities or clubs, it will mean they’ve got plenty of options and sources of support if a friendship goes wrong.

When you’re worried about peer pressure and peer influence

Encouraging your child to have friends over and giving them space in your home can help you get to know your child’s friends. This also gives you the chance to check on whether negative peer pressure and influence is an issue for your child.

Good communication and a positive relationship with your child might also encourage your child to talk to you if they’re feeling negative influence from peers.

If you’re worried your child’s friends are a negative influence, it’s important to talk and listen without judging and gently help your child see the influence their peers are having. Being critical or judgmental about your child’s friends might push your child into seeing them behind your back or seeing them more often.

It’s best to talk with your child about behaviour you don’t like rather than the people you don’t like. For example, you might say, ‘When you’re with your friends, you often get into fights’. This can be better than saying, ‘You need to find new friends’.

It can help to compromise with your child. For example, letting your child wear certain clothes or have their hair cut in a particular way can help them feel connected to their peers, even if you’re not keen on blue hair or ripped jeans. Letting your child have some independence can reduce the chance of more risky choices.

Having friends and feeling connected to a group gives pre-teens and teenagers a sense of belonging and being valued, which helps them develop confidence. Friendships also help pre-teens and teenagers learn important social and emotional skills, like being sensitive to other people’s thoughts, feelings and wellbeing.

When to be concerned about peer influence and peer pressure

If you notice changes in your child’s mood, behaviour, eating or sleeping patterns, which you think are because of their friends, it might be time to have a talk with your child.

Some mood and behaviour changes are normal in pre-teens and teenagers. But if your child seems to be in a low mood for more than 2 weeks, or their low mood gets in the way of things they normally enjoy, they might need support for their mental health.

Warning signs include:

low moods, tearfulness or feelings of hopelessness
aggression or antisocial behaviour that’s not usual for your child – for example, getting into trouble with the police, fighting or stealing
sudden changes in behaviour, often for no obvious reason
trouble falling asleep, staying asleep or waking early
loss of appetite or overeating
reluctance to go to school
withdrawal from activities your child used to like
statements about wanting to give up or life not being worth living.

If you’re concerned, start by talking with your child. The next step is to talk to your GP, who can put you in contact with your local child and adolescent mental health team or another appropriate professional.