Teen bullying at school: how to stop it & support your child

How to help if your teen is being bullied

If your teenage child is being bullied, you can help by:

working with your child’s school or other organisation to stop further bullying
getting support for your child at school or wherever the bullying is happening
giving your child love and support at home
working with your child on strategies to deal with the bullying.

Teenagers have the right to learn, develop, socialise and work in safe and healthy environments. Protecting teenagers from being bullied and working to prevent bullying in schools and other organisations is key to creating safe environments where teenagers can thrive.

Talking with your teen about being bullied

Why it’s important to talk about the bullying

Listening and talking with your child is essential. This helps you to find out what’s happening so you can take action with the school or other organisation. Calm and caring conversations will also help your child feel loved and supported.

How to talk about the bullying

Begin the conversation in a quiet, comfortable space at a time when your child is relaxed.
Use open questions. For example, ‘What did you do at lunchtime today?’, ‘Who did you hang out with?’ or ‘Is there anyone you avoid at school? Why?’
Actively listen to how your child is feeling. This includes thinking about what their body language and tone of voice are telling you about their feelings.
Gently find out more if you need to. For example, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’
Summarise the problem, but avoid trying to solve it. For example, ‘So Lulu made rude jokes about your hair 3 times this week. And Lulu encouraged other people to laugh and stay away from you too’.
Stay calm even if the situation is upsetting. If you feel angry or anxious, wait until you feel calmer before you talk with your child or others.

What to say – and not say – about bullying

Agree that there’s a problem. For example, ‘It’s not OK for Lulu to treat you like that. It’s very unkind’.
Let your child know it’s natural to feel upset. For example, ‘No wonder you’re feeling so upset about this’.
Let your child know it’s not their fault. For example, ‘You deserve to be treated with respect no matter what’.
Avoid unhelpful comments like, ‘You need to stand up for yourself’ or ‘You poor thing. Never mind, you can stay home’.
Explain why some teenagers bully. This might help your child understand that bullying isn’t their fault. For example, ‘Lulu might have been upset about things at home’.

What to say and do next

Praise your child. Talking might not have been easy, and praise will encourage your child to keep talking. For example, ‘I’m really pleased that you’ve told me about this’.
Say that you’ll help. For example, ‘It sounds like things haven’t been so good. Let’s think about what we can do to make it better’.

Your child might feel too embarrassed or afraid to talk to you about the bullying. If this sounds like your situation, you could suggest that your child talk to another trusted adult, like a relative or family friend or their GP. Or they could call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800.

How to work with secondary schools to deal with bullying

Schools take bullying extremely seriously. If your child is being bullied at school, get the help of your child’s school as quickly as you can.

Steps for working with your teen’s school

Let your child know that you’re going to involve the school. Ask whether your child wants to be with you and what they want you to say.
Check on the best person to talk with – for example, your child’s home-room teacher, the year coordinator or the student welfare coordinator.
Make a time to speak privately with the school representative.
Calmly present your concerns as a shared issue, explain the facts, and ask for the school’s perspective. You could also ask for a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policies and procedures.
Explain how the bullying is affecting your child. For example, ‘Jessie doesn’t want to go to school anymore. It takes a lot of encouragement to get her there’.
Listen, and be assertive rather than angry. For example, ‘Yes, young people can say mean things sometimes. But I don’t agree this was unintentional. I think it’s more serious’.
End the meeting with a plan for when the school will respond. For example, ‘You’re going to talk with Jessie’s other teachers and the year coordinator and email me by Friday’.

What will happen next?

The school will focus first on protecting your child.

The school representative should follow up with you within 2 days to let you know how they plan to respond based on their anti-bullying policy and processes.

You can then organise your next meeting with the school representative to discuss these plans.

What if your child doesn’t want the school involved?

Your child might not want you to talk with the school. Your child might be embarrassed or worried that involving the school will make the bullying worse.

It’s important to listen and think about what you can do to help your child feel less worried. For example, you might be able to make an appointment at the school at a time when other students are less likely to notice. You could also ask the school representative to make sure that the school deals with the bullying in a way that has no negative consequences for your child.

In the end, you’re the best person to decide what’s in your child’s best interests, even if that means involving the school against your child’s wishes.

Directly contacting the child doing the bullying or the child’s parents is likely to make the situation worse. It’s always safest and most effective to work with the school (or any other organisation where bullying is happening).

What to do if the teen bullying doesn’t stop

If the bullying doesn’t stop even after you’ve spoken to the school representative, it’s still safest to work with your child’s school.

Next steps

When there’s a bullying incident, get your child to write down exactly what happened, who did it, when and where it happened, and what your child has already said or done to stop the behaviour.
Take photos if the bullying involves physical harm or damage to your child’s property. You can also get injuries checked by your GP. Take screenshots if the situation involves cyberbullying.
Talk with a school representative again. This time, use your record and ask for your concern to be addressed in writing.
If the bullying still doesn’t stop, speak to the school principal.
Check the school’s anti-bullying policy and procedures to find out how to escalate your concern if you feel the bullying hasn’t been resolved.
If the bullying doesn’t stop even after you take all the steps above, seek further advice from your school’s regional office.

It takes time for behaviour to change, so you might not see overnight results.

You know and understand your child better than anyone else. It’s important to advocate for your child if you think that the way the school is addressing the bullying doesn’t suit your child’s situation.

When and how to get support outside the secondary school system

When to look for external help

The bullying is extreme or violent.
You think criminal offences have occurred.
You think the school has treated you unfairly or unreasonably.

How to get external help

Seek legal advice.
Tell the police.
Apply to the Children’s Court for a restraining order against the bully.
Contact the education department or your state or territory ombudsman to make a complaint.

It’s best for your child’s wellbeing and development to be in an environment where they feel safe, respected and valued. Changing schools might help, but bullying can happen again in a new school, so this is probably a last resort. If you decide that changing schools is best for your child, it’s good to get support with this process. You can ask your GP for a referral to a psychologist. Ask to see the new school’s anti-bullying policy.

How to support your teen at home

Your child needs support and love at home while you work with the school to stop the bullying.

Ideas for supporting your teen

Show love in ways your child likes. This might be giving your child a hug, telling them you love them, or doing something they enjoy.
Let your child know you’re there to listen when and if they want to talk about the bullying.
Check in with your child from time to time by asking, ‘How’s it going? Are things any better?’
Help your child come up with positive affirmations like, ‘I am an amazing artist’. Your child can use these affirmations when they need a boost.
Encourage your child to invite over friends who aren’t involved in the bullying. For example, if the bullying is happening at school, they could invite a friend from chess club or their netball team.
Look into professional support to help your child deal with bullying. You could talk to your GP or the school counsellor for more information.

What your teen can do to deal with the bullying themselves

If your child is being bullied, you should always step in using the strategies above.

Your child can also learn ways to handle bullying when it’s happening. This gives your child skills to deal with future bullying or negative social behaviour. It also helps your child feel more confident and less powerless about being bullied.

Ideas for your teen – and how to explain them

Tell the bully to stop. You could say, ‘Calmly and firmly standing up to people who are bullying lets them know that what they’re trying to do isn’t working’.
Ignore verbal taunts, and move away if the bullying continues. You could say, ‘Don’t engage with the bully. Ignore what they say, don’t look at them and walk away’.
Avoid high-risk places. You could say, ‘If you keep away from places where bullying happens, you can avoid the people doing the bullying – as long as this doesn’t stop you from doing things you like to do’.
Identify safe places. You could say, ‘Stick to places where there are plenty of people around, especially teachers. The library, canteen or other busy places are good options’.
Stay around other people, especially people you trust. You could say, ‘If you stay with your friends, the bully probably won’t bother you’.
Tell a staff member. You could say, ‘The teacher can help you deal with the problem. The bully might not even know that the teacher is helping you. Teachers are there to help make the behaviour stop’.

You could also talk with your child about strategies for different situations. For example, if someone is calling your child names, your child might tell the person to stop or try ignoring it. But if the bully is being physically violent, it’s best to tell a teacher.

What if your teen is the one doing the bullying? It can be hard to understand and accept. But it’s also essential to acknowledge the bullying behaviour and get professional help to change it.