What to do if a child tells you about sexual abuse

How to respond if a child tells you about sexual abuse

If your child or a child in your care tells you that they or someone they know has experienced sexual abuse, it’s natural to feel anger, shock or worry.

But it’s important for you to put your feelings aside for a time and help your child feel safe and able to tell you about what has happened.

Here’s how to respond and help your child talk about sexual abuse.

How to listen

Be patient, and try to stay calm. Try taking slow, deep breaths.
Listen carefully to your child without interrupting. Give your child your full attention. Let your child tell the story in their own words and at their own pace. Let your child know that you’ll listen, no matter what.
Believe your child. Tell your child that you believe them, even if what your child is saying seems unreal or doesn’t make sense at first.

How to find out more

Try not to ask too many questions. This can stop a child from telling you their story and might create problems for future legal procedures. But it’s important to check whether your child is in immediate danger.
If you need to ask anything, use open-ended questions like ‘What else can you tell me?’ Avoid leading questions like ‘Did he touch you?’

What to say

Tell your child that it’s not their fault, they’re not to blame for what happened, and they won’t be punished, no matter what.
Thank your child for telling you and let them know they’ve done the right thing by telling you. Your child has been brave to tell you about the abuse, so acknowledge your child’s courage.
Let your child know they can ask you questions. Try to answer honestly. If you’re not sure of an answer, let your child know you’ll try to find out.
Talk with your child about how you can help them feel safe and loved. Be prepared to do what your child needs you to do.

All children have the right to grow up safe from abuse. Talking with children about sexual abuse and trying to protect them from sexual abuse is part of creating safe environments that help children grow and thrive.

Worried about sexual abuse: encouraging your child to talk

Your child might not have said anything to you, but you might be worried that your child has experienced sexual abuse. You might have noticed physical or other signs of sexual abuse, your child might have asked you some questions, or someone might have told you that they’ve noticed something or that your child has said something.

Children can find it hard to tell parents or anyone else that they’ve experienced sexual abuse. They might feel confused, embarrassed or worried that the abuse will get worse. They might think you won’t believe them, or they might have been told to keep the abuse secret.

You can encourage your child to talk by asking questions like ‘You seem troubled. Is anything worrying you?’ or ‘Are you OK?’ You can also reassure your child by saying, ‘You can talk to me about anything, no matter what it is’.

You can encourage a young child to describe feelings by saying things like ‘Where do you feel funny/sore/upset?’ or ‘When did you feel funny/sore/upset?’ If your child has a disability and doesn’t use language, you could encourage them to draw or act out feelings.

To encourage a teenage child, you could say, ‘I can see you’re struggling with something. I’m wondering what’s worrying you’. Or your child might prefer to talk to another trusted adult. You could ask, ‘Is there someone you can talk to?’

After you’ve encouraged your child to talk, try to be available. Your child might ask questions or say things like:

‘Do I have to keep secrets?’ You could respond by saying, ‘No. You never have to keep a secret that doesn’t feel right. If something makes you feel upset, confused, or uncomfortable, it’s always OK to tell an adult you trust‘.
‘Is it OK for Mr Z to do weird things?’ You could respond by asking, ‘What does Mr Z do that’s weird?’
‘Do I have to go to music today?’ Before saying yes, you could try to find out why your child doesn’t want to go. For example, ‘How are you feeling about going to music today? Is something bothering you?’
‘I don’t like the games cousin J plays’. You could respond by asking, ‘What kind of games does cousin J play? Can you tell me more about them?’

It’s OK to ask for help with supporting your child to talk about sexual abuse. For advice, call the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service on 1800RESPECT or 1800 737 732.

After a child tells you about sexual abuse

Your child might not tell you everything at once. Your child might tell you more about it gradually over several days or weeks. Be patient and give your child time to share experiences and feelings.

It’s also important to be available in case your child wants to share more or needs you to be around to feel safe. This could mean staying at home with your child, taking time off work, picking your child up from school, and checking in with your child regularly.

Your child might ask you to promise not to tell anyone else. You can’t make that promise. But you can say that you’ll do your best to keep your child safe. You can say that keeping your child safe might mean you’ll need to talk to other people, but you’ll let your child know what you’re going to do.

What to do next: reporting child sexual abuse

Child sexual abuse is illegal.

Your child has experienced sexual abuse or there’s immediate risk
Report this as soon as possible. Call the police on 131 444 or 000 if it’s an emergency.

You’re not sure about sexual abuse, but you think something has happened
Seek advice from professionals as soon as possible.

You can talk to police or child protection officers. These people are trained to know about child sexual abuse and how to relate to children who have or might have experienced it. And they can give you advice on what to do next.

Start by contacting the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service for advice on1800RESPECT or 1800 737 732.

You find physical signs that you think indicate sexual abuse
Have your child examined as soon as possible by a medical professional, preferably someone with experience in child sexual abuse. The police can help you with this.

When reporting child abuse
Make notes about what has happened so that you can give accurate details to the police. Your notes could include:

what your child has told you in their own words
any physical injuries you’ve noticed or your child has told you about
what changes you’ve noticed in your child’s behaviour
what you’ve seen happening between your child and the person your child says has done the abuse
anything else you’ve noticed about that person’s behaviour.

For your child’s safety and your own, don’t confront the person you think is responsible for the abuse.

Explaining the next steps to your child

Your child will probably want to know what’s going to happen and who’s going to be told about what has happened.

You can explain that you’ll do whatever you can to keep your child safe. This means making a report to the police and talking with other professionals.

For example, ‘Today I called a place called Bravehearts, and they explained what I need to do next. They told me that the police always need to know when things like this happen’.

Let your child know that other adults might need to talk to them about what’s happened, but you’ll support them every step of the way.