How to help children cope with death, grief & loss

How children might feel when someone dies

After a death, many children feel sad, angry or anxious. Some might be confused and struggle to understand what has happened. Or they might feel guilty that something they said or did caused the death. Some might show signs of separation anxiety and be scared that you or another carer might also die. Other children might just seem quiet and withdrawn.

Some children might not seem affected by the death at all. This is common too.

Children often have stronger feelings about the death of someone they saw regularly and liked – for example, a friendly neighbour – than about the death of a family member they rarely visited. Young children can feel the same way about the death of a loved pet and the death of a person.

Children’s feelings about death depend on their age and development, as well as other things like their spiritual beliefs and life experiences.

How to help children cope with grief and feelings about death

Children – especially younger children – can have strong emotions when someone dies, but they don’t always have the words to express these feelings. This can be confusing and frustrating for them.

Helping your child understand what they’re feeling can be good. You can do this by tuning in to your child’s emotions and helping your child to name them. For example, ‘It looks like you’re feeling worried about Grandma and whether she might die too. Is that right?’

Then you can let your child know that their emotions are natural. You might tell your child that you feel something similar. For example, ‘You seem angry that Nanna died. I’m feeling angry too because I loved her, and I don’t like it that she can’t be here with us anymore’.

If your child knows that it’s OK to talk about how they’re feeling – and that you can cope with their emotions – your child will be better able to seek help when they feel overwhelmed. You could say, ‘Even though I’m sad I can still look after you’.

Sometimes children find it easier to talk to someone else. In these cases, a trusted family member or friend might be able to help.

Children might not always feel like talking about their feelings when someone dies. If this happens, you might be able to help your child express their feelings through play. Play ideas for preschooler emotions and play ideas for school-age emotions include drawing, music, messy play and puppet play activities.

And sometimes it can help to give your child ideas of how to cope when they’re having strong emotions. For example, ‘When you’re feeling sad and missing Grandpa, you could come and give me a cuddle. Then we could do something that makes us feel happier’. If you’re grieving too, you can let your child know how you’re coping. For example, ‘I’m feeling sad because I miss Grandpa, so I’m going to sit quietly and listen to music’.

Strong emotions can be overwhelming, and children might sometimes express them through challenging behaviour. It’s always a good idea to try to understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour. This can help you choose an appropriate response.

Tips to help children of all ages

When someone dies, these practical tips can help children of all ages cope:

Try to stick to a routine.
Let your child know that it’s OK to play, be happy and have fun.
Tell teachers or carers what has happened so that they can support your child.
Talk about death in a way that reflects your family’s personal or spiritual beliefs or your child’s experiences. For example, ‘Yes, Poppy died, like when Leo’s grandpa died last term’.

Reading books about death, grief and loss with children can help them understand what has happened and how they’re feeling. For toddlers and preschoolers, you could try Beginnings and endings with lifetimes in between by Bryan Mellonie. For children aged 5-8 years, you could try the workbook When someone very special dies by Marge Heegaard.

Tips to help children aged 2-5 years

At this age, your child probably understands death as a move to another place, but they might not understand that the person has gone forever.

Your child might ask whether they can visit the person who died and when the person is coming back. Your child might ask the same questions over and over. This is your child’s way of trying to understand what has happened.

Some of your child’s old habits might return. For example, they might wet the bed, start waking at night or want to sleep in your bed.

These practical tips can help your child cope:

Answer questions openly and honestly – for example, ‘Aunty Nala died. Her body has stopped working. We won’t be able to visit her anymore’.
Support, reassure and comfort your child – for example, by giving your child a cuddle when they’re sad.
Be patient if your child asks the same questions several times.
If you think your child believes their loved one is coming back, gently remind your child that they won’t be seeing the loved one again.

Tips to help children aged 5-8 years

At this age, your child probably understands that death is the end of life. They might also understand many of the events that cause death, but they might think that you can prevent death or that not everyone will die. They might also think that they caused the death or that if they wish hard enough the person might come back.

These practical tips can help your child cope:

Let your child know that the death wasn’t their fault and they won’t ‘catch it’.
Answer your child’s questions openly and honestly. For example, if your child asks whether you’ll die, you could say, ‘Yes, I’ll die one day. Everyone dies, but it mostly happens when people are old or very sick’.
Suggest that your child does a memorial activity – for example, planting a tree, writing a letter or drawing a picture.
Tell your child’s teacher and the parents of your child’s close friends so that they know what’s happening.

How to cope with your own grief when someone dies

You might be focused on your child’s wellbeing, but you’re probably grieving too. It’s important to take time to cope with your own grief. If you look after yourself, you’ll be better able to support your child.

Over time and with help from parents or carers, most children learn to cope with strong feelings about death. As your child finds these feelings easier to manage, you’ll probably find things easier too. If you’re concerned about how your child is coping, talk with your child’s GP, your child and family health nurse or the counsellor at your child’s school.