How children and teenagers might feel and respond when a sibling is dying
Children and teenagers are likely to be deeply affected when their sibling is dying. They might feel sad, angry, anxious or numb. They might even pretend it’s not happening.
Children can react in many ways and sometimes in ways you don’t expect. Young children might feel sad, then want to play as usual, and then feel sad again. Older children might want distraction and spend more time with friends. Some teenagers might want to spend more time at home helping, and others might behave impulsively or take risks.
Children and teenagers might also:
- feel uncertain, frightened or worried that it’s their fault, or that they’ll get the same illness and die too
- experience physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches or loss of appetite
- have problems sleeping
- be very clingy and reluctant to go to school
- find it hard to concentrate
- temporarily need help doing things they used to be able to do by themselves, like using the toilet, getting dressed or organising homework
- experience child anxiety, child depression, teenage anxiety or teenage depression.
When a sibling is dying: why it’s important to tell children and teenagers
It can be very hard to tell your other children that their sibling is dying. It’s natural to want to protect your children from distress or to worry about finding the right words to explain what’s happening.
But your other children are likely to sense that something is wrong and feel scared. Talking gives them a sense of security and shows that you’re there to support them. It might also reassure them that you’re not upset because of them.
Telling your other children sends the message that talking about emotions is good and that all emotions are OK. Children often feel relieved that they can talk openly about what’s happening to their sibling.
Your children might also find it easier to adapt to changes in family routines if they understand what’s going on.
Preparing to talk with children and teenagers about a dying sibling
If you have more than one child to talk to, it’s a good idea to tell them together. This way they get the information from you at the same time. Afterwards, you can talk to each child separately and give each the support they need.
It’s also good to think about what to say beforehand. The team caring for your ill child can help you with this. They’ll be able to provide information tailored to your child’s illness.
Try to choose a time when you’re all relaxed and there aren’t any distractions. A safe, private, comfortable and familiar place is a good idea too. For young children, you could try sitting with them while they play.
Talking with children and teenagers about a dying sibling
When you’re ready to talk, you can give your child basic, honest information in simple, factual language that your child can understand.
It’s a good idea to start by asking your child what they know. For example, you might say ‘What do you know about what’s happening with Caleb?‘ Then you can follow your child’s lead. For example, ‘Yes, Caleb is very sick and he’s going to die’.
It’s important for your children to know what to expect immediately and over time. For example, ‘Nothing is likely to change straight away. But we think your brother will get weaker over the next few weeks and months. He’ll be sleepy and spend less time going out. The doctors will tell us what to expect and we can let you know too, if you want’.
If there’ll be changes to family life, it’s good for your children to know. For example, ‘Mum is going to stop working for now to help look after Caleb’, or ‘We’re going to move your brother’s bed downstairs so he can still join in with the rest of the family as much as possible’.
While you’re talking, give your children your full attention, so you can tune in to their feelings and responses. You can also encourage your children to talk about how they’re feeling. You could ask, ‘Are you scared? What’s worrying you the most?’ or ‘Is there anything you want to know?’ This will help you work out how best to comfort and reassure your child and help them feel safe and cared for.
Your children will probably have questions about their sibling’s situation. It’s best to keep your answers simple and factual. It can help to have some answers ready for questions you think they might ask. And if you don’t know the answers, tell your children that you’ll find out more and come back to them.
Your child might give you cues that they’ve had enough talking. For example, they might look away, fidget or change the subject. If you notice these cues, it’s OK to come back to the conversation another time. Just let your children know that you’ll be there to talk whenever they’re ready. For example, ‘It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about Caleb’s illness just now. I’ll be here whenever you have questions’.
It’s also a good idea to ask your children about when and how they’d like to tell other people, like friends or their school.
You don’t have to tell your children everything all at once. Also, you’ll probably need to repeat yourself and have more than one conversation.
Family support for children and teenagers when a sibling is dying
There are things you can do in your everyday family life to support your children when their sibling is dying:
- Try to spend one-on-one time with your other children as well as family time together. This could be a bedtime story, a card game or 10 minutes together each evening to share 3 positive things about the day.
- Show affection in a way that your children prefer – for example, cuddles, hugs, high fives or fist bumps. Your children might need extra affection at this time.
- Stick to familiar routines as much as possible – for example, regular meals, bedtimes, sports and other activities.
- Make sure your children aren’t taking on too many extra responsibilities. Instead, you could ask a friend or family member to help with tasks like grocery shopping or cleaning.
- Involve your children in important decisions if you can – for example, whether they want to spend time with their sibling before and after the death or be involved in the funeral.
You can also encourage your children to carry on with their daily lives. For example:
- Encourage them to keep seeing friends and doing activities they enjoy.
- Tell them being happy is OK and doesn’t mean they don’t care about their sibling.
- Suggest ways for them to express themselves – for example, through music, dance, art and craft, a journal or play.
- Encourage them to play and spend time with their sibling, if this is possible.
It’s a good idea to let school staff know what’s happening and talk with them about what your children might need. This could range from practical things like extra time to do assignments to wellbeing support like opportunities to talk with the school counsellor.
Professional support for children and teenagers when their sibling is dying
You can get professional support for your other children if you think this will help.
If your children’s sibling is being cared for by a palliative care team or hospice, this team can support your other children. They can refer them to psychologists or bereavement counsellors, if necessary. They can also recommend groups for siblings in similar situations.
You can also get support for your children from services like Paediatric Palliative Care – Sibling Support and Canteen.
Books about death and dying
Reading books together with younger children or suggesting books for teenagers to read can be a good way to help your children understand death and dying.
Books for younger children
- What does dead mean? A book for young children to help explain death and dying by Caroline Jay and Jenni Thomas
- The invisible string by Patrice Karst
- Always and forever by Alan Durant
Books for teenagers
- Straight talk about death for teenagers by Earl Grollman
- Weird is normal when teenagers grieve by Jenny Lee Wheeler
- Helping teens cope with death by The Dougy Centre