How to support a child when their sibling is dying

How children and teenagers might feel when a sibling is dying

Children and teenagers are likely to be deeply affected when a sibling is dying. They might feel sadness, anger, worry or numbness.

They might react in many ways and sometimes in ways you don’t expect.

Young children might feel sad, want to play as usual, and then feel sad again. Older children might want distraction and spend more time with friends. Some teenagers might want to spend more time at home helping, and others might behave impulsively or take risks.

Children and teenagers might also:

feel uncertain, frightened or worried that it’s their fault, or that they’ll get the same illness and die too
experience physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches or loss of appetite
have problems sleeping
be very clingy, have separation anxiety or be reluctant to go to school
find it hard to concentrate
temporarily need help doing things they used to be able to do by themselves, like using the toilet, getting dressed or organising homework
experience child anxiety, child depression, teenage anxiety or teenage depression.

Sometimes children and teenagers might seem unaffected or pretend it’s not happening.

Why it’s important to tell your child that their sibling is dying

It can be very hard to tell your child that their sibling is dying. It’s natural to want to protect your child from distress. Feeling worried about finding the right words is also natural.

But your child is likely to sense that something is wrong and might feel scared. Talking can help your child understand what’s happening and give them a chance to share their thoughts and feelings. You can reassure them that you’re not upset because of them. This can help your child feel supported and give them a sense of security.

Telling your child about their dying sibling also sends the message that talking about emotions is good and that all emotions are OK. They might feel relieved that they can talk openly about what’s happening to their sibling.

Your children might also find it easier to adapt to changes in family routines if they understand what’s going on.

Preparing to tell your child about their dying sibling

If you have more than one child to talk to, it’s a good idea to tell them together. This way they get the information from you at the same time. Afterwards, you can talk to each child separately and give each the support they need.

It’s also good to think about what to say beforehand. The team caring for your ill child can help you with this. They can give you information tailored to your child’s illness.

Try to choose a time when you’re all relaxed and there aren’t any distractions. A safe, private, comfortable and familiar place is a good idea too. For young children, you could try sitting with them while they play.

How to tell your child that their sibling is dying

When you’re ready to talk, you can give your child basic, honest information in simple, factual language that your child can understand.

It’s a good idea to start by asking your child what they know. For example, you might say ‘What do you know about what’s happening with Caleb?’ Then you can follow your child’s lead. For example, ‘Yes, Caleb is very sick and he’s going to die’.

It’s important for your child to know what to expect immediately and over time. For example, ‘Nothing is likely to change straight away. But we think your brother will get weaker over the next few weeks and months. He’ll be sleepy and spend less time going out. The doctors will tell us what to expect and we can let you know too, if you want’.

If there’ll be changes to family life, it’s good for your child to know. For example, ‘Mum is going to stop working for now to help look after Caleb’, or ‘We’re going to move your brother’s bed downstairs so he can still join in with the rest of the family as much as possible’.

While you’re talking, give your child your full attention, so you can tune in to their feelings and responses. You can also encourage your child to talk about how they’re feeling. You could ask, ‘Are you scared? What’s worrying you the most?’ or ‘Is there anything you want to know?’ This will help you work out how best to comfort and reassure your child and help them feel safe and cared for.

Your child will probably have questions about their sibling’s situation. It’s best to keep your answers simple and factual. It can help to have some answers ready for questions you think they might ask. And if you don’t know the answers, tell your child that you’ll find out more and come back to them.

Your child might give you cues that they’ve had enough talking. For example, they might look away, fidget or change the subject. If you notice these cues, it’s OK to come back to the conversation another time. Just let your child know that you’ll be there to talk whenever they’re ready. For example, ‘It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about Caleb’s illness just now. I’ll be here whenever you have questions’.

It’s also a good idea to ask your child about when and how they’d like to tell other people, like friends or their school.

You don’t have to tell your child everything all at once. You might also need to repeat yourself and have more than one conversation.

Family support for your child

There are things you can do in your everyday family life to support your child when their sibling is dying:

Try to spend one-on-one time with your child as well as family time together. This could be a bedtime story, a card game or 10 minutes together each evening to share 3 things about the day.
Show affection in a way that your child prefers – for example, cuddles, hugs, high fives or fist bumps. Your child might need extra affection at this time.
Stick to familiar routines as much as possible – for example, regular meals, bedtimes, sports and other activities.
Make sure your child isn’t taking on too many extra responsibilities. Instead, you could ask a friend or family member to help with tasks like grocery shopping or cleaning.
Involve your child in important decisions and give them choices if you can – for example, whether they want to spend time with their sibling before and after the death or be involved in the funeral.

You can also encourage your child to carry on with their daily lives. For example:

Encourage them to keep seeing friends and doing activities they enjoy.
Tell them that being happy is OK and doesn’t mean they don’t care about their sibling.
Suggest ways for them to express themselves – for example, through music, dance, art and craft, a journal or play.
Encourage them to play and spend time with their sibling, if this is possible.

It’s a good idea to let school staff know what’s happening and talk with them about what your child might need. This could range from practical things like extra time to do assignments to wellbeing support like opportunities to talk with the school counsellor.

Professional support for your child

You can get professional support for your child, especially if you’re concerned about their behaviour or wellbeing.

Your GP is a good place to start. The GP can guide you to the most appropriate services for your child.

If your child’s sibling is being cared for by a palliative care team or hospice, this team can support your child too. The team can refer your child to social workers, psychologists or bereavement counsellors, if necessary. They can also recommend groups for siblings in similar situations.

Here are more ways to get support for your child:

Call Griefline on 1300 845 745.
Contact Siblings Australia.
Encourage your child to call Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800 or use the Kids Helpline webchat counselling service.
Contact local mental health services.

Books about death and dying

Reading books together with younger children or suggesting books for teenagers to read can be a good way to help your child understand death and dying.

Books for younger children

Always and forever by Alan Durant
Beginnings and endings with lifetimes in between by Robert Ingpen and Bryan Mellonie
The goodbye book by Todd Parr
The grief wave by Trace Moloney
In my heart: A book of feelings by Jo Witek
The invisible string by Patrice Karst
The memory tree by Britta Teckentrup
Something very sad happened by Bonnie Zucker
What does dead mean? A book for young children to help explain death and dying by Caroline Jay and Jenni Thomas

Books for teenagers

Helping teens cope with death by The Dougy Centre
Mick Harte was here by Barbara Park
Straight talk about death for teenagers by Earl Grollman
Weird is normal when teenagers grieve by Jenny Lee Wheeler