What is nonverbal communication with children?

Nonverbal communication is when you use body language, facial expressions and tone of voice to send a message – for example, when you cuddle your child.

Nonverbal communication can be:

• positive – for example, stopping what you’re doing and turning towards your child to show you’re paying attention to them
• negative – for example, turning away or not answering your child when they talk to you.

How is nonverbal communication different from verbal communication?

Verbal communication is when you use words to send a message – for example, when you say, ‘I love you’.

Families communicate in different ways, and culture can shape how we communicate with our children. There’s no one right way to communicate with your child. What matters is that your child feels noticed, valued and listened to when you communicate with them.

Why is nonverbal communication with children important?

Positive nonverbal communication

This kind of nonverbal communication is important because it can be good for your child’s development. It can:

• strengthen your relationship – for example, eye contact, smiles, hugs and a warm tone of voice reinforce the message that you love your child
• help your child develop life skills, including skills for communicating and interacting with others
• guide your child towards positive behaviour.

Negative nonverbal communication

This kind of nonverbal communication is powerful too, but it isn’t good for your relationship with your child. It might send the message that you don’t care or don’t want to spend time with your child. Children can feel rejected or let down if this happens consistently.

You can build your relationship and develop your child’s skills by using positive nonverbal communication in your everyday communication with your child, as well as play and family interactions. You can also model these skills when you communicate with others.

How to use nonverbal communication to strengthen your relationship with your child

You can use body language and other elements of nonverbal communication to send positive nonverbal messages to your child. This helps to strengthen your relationship with your child.

Tips and ideas

• Move closer to your child or touch your child’s arm. This lets your child know you’re interested and you care about what they’re saying or doing.
• Turn to face your child and use plenty of eye contact. This says, ‘I’m giving you my full attention’ and ‘You’re important to me’.
• Bend down to your child’s level. This shows you want to be close and helps your child feel secure. It also helps with eye contact, especially for younger children.
• Use body language to show your child that you’re trying to understand their feelings. For example, if your child smiles at you, smile back. If your child is sad, nod your head and look sad yourself. If your child looks frustrated, make eye contact and use a calm, reassuring tone of voice.
• Use a relaxed body posture, facial expression and tone of voice when you talk with your child. This sends the message that you’re ready to listen.
• If your child likes cuddles, give plenty of them!

Nonverbal communication can reinforce your words. For example, smiling when you say ‘Good morning’ sends the message that you’re happy to see your child. But if your body language and words don’t match, your child might be confused. For example, if you ask your child a question but turn away when they answer, your child might think you’re not really interested.

How to use nonverbal communication to develop your child’s skills

Your child learns by watching what you do. This means you can use your body language and other aspects of nonverbal communication to develop your child’s skills.

These might be skills for:

• communicating and interacting with others
• building positive relationships
• recognising emotions

Tips and ideas

• If your child is talking, stop, tune in, smile or make eye contact. This shows your child how to listen and relate warmly to others.
• When you’re having dinner, practise different tones of voice together and talk about what your child notices. For example, say, ‘I would like the salad please’ in a grumpy tone and then in a gentle tone. This shows your child how tone changes meaning and affects how people feel.
• Use warm facial expressions and eye contact when greeting family members, friends or neighbours. This shows your child how to make others feel welcome and valued.
• If you’re playing family games, smile, nod or change your facial expression when your child plays a good card or makes a good move. This shows your child how to encourage others.

Nonverbal communication can be handy when distance or noise makes it hard to talk. For example, you might give your child a silent clap when they get an award at school or make a heart sign with your hands if they look nervous on stage.

How to use nonverbal communication to encourage positive behaviour

You can use aspects of nonverbal communication like facial expression and body language to encourage positive behaviour in your child.

You can also use nonverbal communication to reinforce your words when your child is behaving in a challenging way.

Tips and ideas

• Give your child a smile or a thumbs up when they help a friend in the playground.
• Shake your head or put your hand up to signal stop if your child is behaving in a challenging way.
• Speak in a clear, firm tone of voice – for example, ‘Jaz, you’re being too rough with your friends. Please keep your hands to yourself’.
• Maintain consistent eye contact and tone of voice, and bend down to your child’s level to reinforce the message.
• Clasp your child’s hand to get their attention if they don’t look up.

What if your child’s challenging behaviour makes you laugh?

Sometimes your child might do or say something that’s funny but also inappropriate. For example:

• A young child says, ‘Mummy’s a poo-head’.
• An older child repeats something rude an adult has said.

It’s tempting to laugh, but that sends a mixed message. Your child will be more likely to understand that this behaviour isn’t appropriate if your nonverbal signals match your words.

Here’s what to do instead:

• Try not to laugh.
• Use a firm tone.
• Say something like ‘In our family we speak to each other respectfully’.

Some children have sensory sensitivities and might find body contact like hugging difficult. If this sounds like your child, they might be more comfortable with other expressions of warmth or approval. Think about the sort of nonverbal communication that your child likes best, and use this to communicate approval – for example, clapping, winking or giving a thumbs up.