When your child comes out: parent guide

What is coming out?

When someone tells you they’re gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer or questioning their sexuality, it’s often called ‘coming out’.

Often young people come out gradually. It might take many conversations. And at first they might come out only to friends and family they feel safe with. This might be because they want to see how trusted people react, or they might still be unsure themselves.

Also, coming out isn’t something that happens just once. It happens each time young people talk with new friends, health professionals, teachers, coaches and more.

How to respond when your child comes out

If your child comes out to you, it might seem sudden, but your child might have been thinking about it and preparing to tell you for a long time. Your child might also find it hard to talk with you about it. They might be worried about how you’ll react and whether you and the rest of the family will accept them.

It’s important to listen to your child, reassure them and support them, even if you’re uncomfortable or you don’t approve because of your own beliefs.

Tips for reassuring and supporting your child when they come out

Tell your child you love and support them. For example, ‘Thank you for sharing that with me, I’ll support you however I can’ or ‘Thank you for trusting me. I love you’.
Let your child know you’re happy to talk whenever they want to. For example, ‘Thank you for trusting me. I’m here to talk or listen whenever you need me’.
Show your child you’re listening to them. Listen without saying anything or asking any questions, but show you’re interested by nodding your head or reaching out with an affectionate touch.
Ask open-ended questions to help you understand your child’s experience. For example, ‘How are you feeling now you’ve told me?’
Show your child that they have your support. For example, ‘How can I support you right now?’ or ‘Are there things I can do for you right now?’

Your support can make a big difference. LGBQ children and young people with at least one supportive adult in their lives have better mental health and wellbeing. But children who aren’t accepted by family and friends can become withdrawn, anxious or depressed. And teenagers who aren’t accepted are also more likely to self-harm or have suicidal thoughts.

How to support your LGBQ child after they come out

Your child might find their attractions change over time or they might use different words at different times to describe their sexuality. One of the best ways to be supportive is to accept your child for who they are now and also accept that this might change.

Tips for supporting your child after they come out

Tell your child they don’t need all the answers right now, but you’re there to support them as they work out who they are.
Ask your child whether they have safety concerns now that they’ve come out. Talk with them about how they can stay safe.
Offer to help your child find social groups or other support for LGBQ young people if they’re interested.
Make your child’s romantic partner welcome in your house.
Respect your child’s privacy. It’s your child’s choice to tell other people about their sexuality.
Help your child tell other people if that’s what they want, or advocate for them in places where they feel unsafe or discriminated against.
Learn more about LGBQ identities.

It’s important to use the language your child uses about their sexuality. And if your child uses words that are new to you, try to learn more. You could say, ‘That’s not a word I’ve heard before, but I want to learn more about it’. You can read more in our article about LGBTIQ+ language.

Where can your LGBQ child get support?

Connecting with other young LGBQ people might help your child to feel comfortable with their own sexuality. It can also help them feel less alone.

Ways to connect with young LGBQ people

Minus 18
qheadspace online community
Qlife
A pride or rainbow club at your child’s school
An LGBTIQ+ ally group
Youth groups or events for LGBQ young people near you

What if your child is having mental health problems?

Young LGBQ people can experience mental health problems at a higher rate than young non-LGBQ people. This is because they often experience rejection by their family or bullying at school and in other settings.

If your child is having mental health problems, it’s important to get professional help.

Professional support for LGBQ people

GPs
School counsellors
Psychologists and counsellors
Social workers
Headspace
Kids Helpline
Local or state or territory mental health services
Local community health centres

If you’re worried about your child’s immediate safety, you can call Lifeline on 131 114 or an ambulance on 000. You can also take your child to the nearest hospital emergency department.

How to look after yourself when your child comes out

There’s no right or wrong way to feel if your child tells you they are or might be gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer or questioning their sexuality. Mixed feelings are common, and all feelings are valid. It might take time to work through your thoughts and feelings. That’s OK. But it’s important to work through these feelings yourself, rather than sharing them with your child.

There might also be challenges to navigate, including the reactions of family, friends and people in your community.

Tips for looking after yourself during this period of adjustment

Talk to supportive family and friends, especially if you’re finding things hard. But check beforehand with your child about sharing information.
Talk to your GP, who can refer you to a mental health professional for confidential support.
Get in touch with a parent support group like PFLAG or get individual support through QLife. You’re not alone, and these groups can connect you with others who understand.
Be kind to yourself, and acknowledge the effort you’re making to support your child.

In some states and territories in Australia, trying to change or suppress a person’s sexuality or gender is illegal. This means that it’s against the law for a parent or anyone else to send a child to a program, therapy or counselling designed to stop them from being LGBTQ+, even if the child agrees to go. In some states and territories, it’s also against the law to place pressure on a child to change or hide their sexuality or gender.

Frequently asked questions about sexuality and young people

What is sexual attraction?

Some people are sexually or romantically attracted to people of a different gender from their own. Some are attracted to people of the same gender. And some are attracted to people of any gender. Some teenagers express no sexual or romantic attraction or interest.

How is sexual attraction different from sexual identity?

Sexual attraction is different from sexual identity. Young people who are attracted to people of the same gender might or might not identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual. They might identify as heterosexual, asexual, pansexual, queer or another term. Or they might not identify with any label at all.

How is sexual attraction different from gender identity?

Sexual attraction is different from gender identity, which is a person’s sense of who they are – a boy, a girl, both or neither, gender diverse or non-binary.

What does it mean when young people are questioning their sexuality?

When young people question their sexuality, it means they might be feeling that the traditional heterosexual view of sexuality or romantic attraction doesn’t fit the way they feel.