Talking to pre-teens about sex: what parents need to know
It’s never too early to talk with your child about sex. Talking about sex, sexuality and bodies as your child moves into puberty can help your child understand that these things are typical, healthy parts of life.
Open and honest conversations when your child is young can make later conversations easier. And these early conversations can also help children make healthier and safer choices about sexual relationships when they’re older.
At 9-11 years, the key message for your child is that they can come to you for open, honest and reliable information and that they should feel confident and comfortable to ask you about sex and sexuality.
It might help to know that talking about sex and sexuality isn’t a one-off conversation that you have to get exactly right. It’s a conversation that continues and evolves as your child grows up.
Sexuality isn’t just about sex. It’s also about changing bodies, feelings, friendships, early attraction and early romantic relationships.
How to start the conversation at 9-11 years: 3 steps for parents
You can use these basic steps to talk with your child about sex.
1. Find out what your child knows
Acknowledge that your child might be curious and find out what they already know. For example, if your child asks you what a wet dream is, you could say, ‘That’s a good question. What have you heard about that?’
2. Give your child the facts
Give your child the facts and correct any misinformation. For example, ‘A wet dream can happen during puberty. It’s when semen comes out of a person’s penis. It’s a normal part of growing up.’
3. Create a ‘teachable moment’
Use the conversation as an opportunity to talk about your own thoughts and feelings. For example, ‘You can’t control wet dream, so don’t worry if it happens. We’ll just wash your sheets’.
How parents can talk about sex, sexuality and bodies: tips
These tips can make it easier to talk with children of any age about sex and sexuality.
Explain sex and sexuality at your child’s level
It’s good to keep your explanation brief, factual and positive. If you can do this, your child will feel that they can come back to you whenever they want more information.
Use correct names for body parts
This means using words like ‘penis’, ‘scrotum’, ‘testicles’, ‘vulva’, ‘vagina’ and ‘clitoris’. This helps to make it clear that talking about these parts of our bodies is healthy and OK.
Helping your child learn the names and functions of all body parts is also an important part of keeping your child healthy and safe. It helps your child understand that their body belongs to them. And it means they’ll be able to communicate clearly about their body if they need to – for example, when they’re talking to health professionals.
You can be inclusive of people of all genders by talking about ‘some’ or ‘most’ people – for example, ‘Some people have penises, and some people have vulvas’.
Get all parents involved
In families with more than one parent, it’s good for all parents to get involved in discussions about sex. When all parents are involved, children learn that it’s OK for everyone to talk about sex and sexuality. This can help all children feel comfortable talking about their bodies, take responsibility for sexual feelings, and communicate in intimate relationships when they’re older.
Say ‘I don’t know’ if you need to
Your child doesn’t need you to be an expert – they just need to know that they can ask you anything.
If you don’t know what to say, tell your child you’re glad they asked the question, that you don’t know how to answer it, and that you’ll look for some information and get back to them. And then make sure you do get back to them. Or you could look for the answer together.
This builds trust and sends the message that you’ll be honest with your child.
Be prepared to start a conversation
Some children don’t ask many questions, but this doesn’t mean that they’re not interested or ready to learn. If you start a conversation, it lets your child know that you’re comfortable discussing sexuality.
It’s a good idea to think about what to say beforehand and then pick a good time to talk. For example, if a family member is pregnant, you could say, ‘Aunty Sarah is going to have a baby. I was wondering what you know about pregnancy?’
Some children find it easier to talk without eye contact, so you could plan to talk while you and your child are travelling in the car.
Prepare yourself
You might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable talking about sexuality, or using words like ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ when talking about bodies. That’s OK.
If you feel embarrassed talking about sexuality, you can prepare yourself by thinking about what will embarrass you and working on ways to deal with it. For example, reading a book about sexuality with your child might help you start a conversation and practise using words you’re uncomfortable with. Or you could practise with another adult.
It’s also OK to say to your child that sometimes you find it hard or embarrassing to talk about sex.
It’s important for children to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate experiences. Conversations about consent and sexual abuse can help your child recognise when something isn’t OK. Let your child know they can always come to you if something feels wrong, confusing or worrying and that you’ll believe and help them.
Questions and answers for children aged 9-11 years
At this age, your child might be interested in and want or need to talk about things like how babies are made, masturbation or sex. Your child might also ask some questions you find surprising like ‘Do you masturbate?’ or ‘Does Auntie Jo have sex?’
Here are suggestions for handling these topics.
How are babies made?
If your older child asks this question, you can start by asking them what they think. This will help you understand what they already know.
Then you could say, ‘A baby can be made when a vagina and penis fit together. This is called sexual intercourse. Sperm from the penis can swim up the vagina and join an egg that’s been released from an ovary, and the egg might become fertilised. The fertilised egg grows into a baby in the uterus. After about 9 months the baby is ready to be born’.
You could also talk about other ways a sperm and egg can join, like IVF, or other ways children can enter families like adoption, foster care or grandparent care.
You don’t have to wait for your child to ask you questions about this topic. You could start a conversation by saying something like ‘Have we talked about when you were born?’ Or ‘That woman looks like she’s pregnant. Do you know how pregnancy begins?’
What is masturbation?
At this age, children might masturbate, some more often than others. Masturbation is healthy if your child is doing it privately without feelings of guilt and shame, and it isn’t affecting your child’s other activities.
You could start a conversation with a child this age by saying, ‘Many kids and adults touch their own genitals because it feels nice. It’s something to do in private’.
This can help your child feel good about themselves and let them know that you’re comfortable talking about things like this.
Why do people have sex?
If your child is curious about why people have sex, you could say, ‘People have sex for several reasons. Sometimes it’s to make a baby, sometimes because it feels good, and sometimes as a way of showing closeness and affection. Sex is for people who are grown up, not children’.
If your child asks about your sexual activity and you don’t want to share that information, it’s OK to say, ‘That’s private. But I’m comfortable to talk about sex more generally’.
If your child asks you when you first had sex, they might be trying to work out the ‘right’ age to start having sex. This is a chance to explain that sex is something for older teenagers or adults, when both people want it, feel ready, and treat each other kindly and with respect. No-one should feel pressured to have sex before they’re ready.
The start of puberty is also a great time to talk with your child about the social and emotional changes of adolescence, teenage sexuality and respectful romantic relationships in the teenage years. Having feelings for people can be a healthy part of your child learning about relationships and sexuality.
Sex education at school
Children learn a lot about bodies, relationships, gender norms and sexuality at school — through lessons, friendships, playground talk and the behaviour they see around them.
The Australian school curriculum guides teachers on age-appropriate lessons, but schools vary in how and when they cover these lessons. It’s OK to ask teachers if you want to understand what your child is learning. This can help you work out whether there are gaps you need to fill or messages you want to reinforce at home, in line with your family’s values.
If your child comes across sexting or pornography, stay calm. It’s natural for your child to be curious. This can be an opportunity to talk with your child about what is and isn’t OK for them to see. And talking about these issues is one of the best ways to keep your child safe and promote respectful online behaviour.
Pre-teens with disability: what to say and how to talk about sex, sexuality and bodies
Children with disability experience the same sexual development and curiosity about bodies, relationships and sexual concepts as all children. This means they have the same need for information as their peers.
Children with disability might need extra support to understand sex and sexuality. You can think about how to adapt conversations to suit your child’s communication preferences and cognitive, emotional and developmental needs.
These ideas can help:
- Talk often, and keep conversations short and focused.
- Give your child time to absorb and understand what you’ve talked about.
- Regularly check in with your child to make sure they’ve understood.
- Repeat information as often as you need to.
- Try various options for explaining complex subjects. For example, you could read a book together, like The puberty book by Wendy Darvill and Kelsey Powell.
- Get support from your child’s GP, occupational therapist or speech pathologist, or another professional who works with your child.
More sex education information for parents
You can learn about typical sexual development and behaviour in childhood and early adolescence in the following parent guides: