Positive discipline for pre-teens & teens

What is a positive approach to discipline for pre-teens and teenagers?

Discipline is about guiding your child towards positive behaviour.

A positive approach to discipline involves:

agreeing on and setting limits for behaviour – for example, by using family rules
helping your child behave within those limits – for example, by using consequences, praise, encouragement and rewards.

A positive approach to discipline is most effective when you:

communicate openly with your child – this allows you to involve your child in setting limits and rules, talk about how these are working, and guide your child towards good choices
build and maintain a warm and loving family environment – this helps your child feel safe as they start making their own choices about behaviour.

Why is a positive approach to discipline important for pre-teens and teenagers?

A positive approach to discipline helps pre-teens and teenagers:

understand why it’s important to behave in positive ways
learn independence
take responsibility for their behaviour and its outcomes
solve problems.

Your child needs these skills to become a young adult with their own high standards for behaviour and respect for others.

Teenagers don’t yet have all the skills they need to make all their own decisions. Your support and positive guidance will help your child learn to make good choices about behaviour.

Agreeing on clear limits with pre-teens and teenagers

Clear limits and expectations help your child understand the behaviour that’s acceptable in your family.

Here are tips for setting clear limits:

Involve your child in working out limits and rules. When your child feels that you listen to them and they can contribute, they’ll be more likely to see you as fair and stick to the agreed rules.
Be clear about the limits. It can help to check that your child has understood. For example, you could say, ‘We agreed you’d come home after the movie’. But it might be clearer to say, ‘We agreed you’d come straight home after the movie ends and not go anywhere else’.
Discuss responsibilities with your child. For example, ‘I’m responsible for providing for you. You have responsibilities too, like tidying your room’.
Agree in advance with your child on what the consequences will be if they don’t stick to the rules you’ve agreed on.
Use descriptive praise when your child follows through on agreed limits. For example, ‘Thanks for coming straight home from the movie’.
Be willing to discuss and adjust rules as your child shows responsibility or gets older – for example, by extending your child’s curfew.

To check whether your family rules are realistic and reasonable, you could talk with other parents who have children of the same age. Many schools can also help with guidance.

Using consequences as part of a positive approach to discipline

Sometimes your child might break the rules you’ve agreed on. One way to handle this is by using consequences.

Here’s how.

Make the consequence fit
If you can make the consequence fit the broken rule, it gets your child to think about the issue. It can also feel fairer to your child. For example, if your child is home later than the agreed time, a fitting consequence might be having to come home early next time.

Withdraw cooperation
This strategy aims to help your child understand your perspective and learn that they need to give and take. It also helps your child understand that every action has a consequence.

Let your child know beforehand that you might withdraw your cooperation as a consequence for breaking rules. If you say that you’re prepared to follow through with a consequence, this is sometimes enough to influence behaviour. For example, if your child wants you to wash a special item of clothing, you could remind them that you wash only the clothes that are in the laundry basket, not the clothes on the floor.

Withdraw privileges
This consequence should be used sparingly. If you use it too much, it won’t work as well.

The idea is to remove something that you know your child enjoys – for example, visits to a friend’s house, access to technology, or access to activities. You need to let your child know in advance that this is what you plan to do, so that they can weigh up whether losing the privilege is worth it.

You don’t need to withdraw privileges for a long time for this consequence to be effective. Aim for a short withdrawal that occurs soon after they break the rule – for example, within a few days.

Negotiation is a key part of communicating with pre-teens and teenagers and can help avoid conflict. Negotiating with your child shows that you respect their ideas. It also helps your child learn to compromise as part of decision-making.

Reinforcing consequences

Whatever consequence you choose, these strategies might help to reinforce it.

Communication
It’s important to explain calmly and clearly what the problem is to your child. If you need to, take time to calm down before talking to your child. Tell your child how they haven’t stuck to the agreed rules, and let them know that you’ll be applying the agreed consequence.

Self-reflection
The idea is to encourage your child to think about their behaviour and how it could be different in the future.

You can talk with your child about your agreement and hear what they think should happen as a consequence of breaking it. Often teenagers will be much harsher than their parents. This allows you to settle on future consequences that you both see as fair.

It’s best to balance rules and consequences with warmth and positivity. Try to praise your child or give positive attention more often than you correct or criticise.

Why pre-teens and teenagers test the limits

Pre-teens and teenagers are developing into independent adults. One way they do this is by testing boundaries and seeing how other people react to their behaviour. This teaches them what the social expectations are. As they get feedback, they learn what’s expected.

On top of this the teenage brain goes through massive growth and development during adolescence. As a result, teenagers try new things but don’t always make good decisions. They’re more influenced by peers. And they feel things more intensely than you do.

At the same time, teenagers are getting better at seeing the big picture and reasoning. This means they question their world more and use creative ways to solve problems.

For all these reasons, your child’s behaviour might sometimes seem challenging. But you can work on behaviour with your child and guide them away from tricky situations.

Many things influence pre-teen and teenage behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.