Child care: when your child isn’t settling

About settling in at child care

Some children settle happily in their new child care centre within a few days or weeks. Others get upset and cry, even after the first few weeks. And some children settle at first and then get upset later, when the novelty of the new environment has worn off.

It might help to know that most children stop crying shortly after their parents leave, and most children settle well eventually.

Child care is also known as early childhood education and care or early learning and care. Likewise, child care centres are sometimes called early childhood services or early learning centres. We usually talk about child care and child care centres or services in our articles.

Sharing information: a key way to help children who aren’t settling at child care

Sharing information with your child’s educators is important to helping your child settle into child care.

For example, you could say, ‘Ramon doesn’t like a blanket during nap time’. Or you could tell them about things you do at home, like a special song you sing when you change a nappy.

It’s also a good idea to share what’s going on at home and how your child is feeling. For example, your child might be excited about a birthday or sad and not sleeping well because a parent is away on a business trip. This gives educators a better understanding of the changes that might be affecting your child’s behaviour and emotions.

A chat with educators at the beginning and end of each day gives you the chance to find out how your child is settling. It also helps you build relationships with your child’s educators.

Separation anxiety is a common part of child development. The difficulty is that it often starts about the same time that children start going to child care. It will pass in its own time, and your child’s educators will probably have plenty of ideas for supporting your child.

Building your child’s relationships with educators

Children feel safe with people they know well and trust. So one of the best things you can do is help your child build trusting relationships with their educators.

Here are ideas:

Show your child that you trust the educators. For example, let your child see you talking comfortably with them.
Talk to your child about the educators in the same way you talk about friends of your family. Say positive things and use the educators’ names.
Encourage your child to draw a picture at home to give to their educator.
Display photos of the educators at home, and give the service photos of you. This will help your child make a connection between home and child care.

It’s OK to call your child care service to check how your child is settling. Most centres welcome this, and it can really help to ease your mind.

Saying goodbye: tips to help children who aren’t settling at child care

Here are ideas to make it easier for you and your child to say goodbye at child care:

Give your child a few minutes warning before you leave. For example, ‘After we finish this story I’m going off to my work’.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings, give your child words to express their feelings, and comfort your child. For example, ‘I know you feel sad. It’s hard to say goodbye. Here’s a kiss that will last all day’.
Talk about an activity you and your child will do together when you get home or when you come to pick up your child, like playing in the garden or reading a story.
Have a goodbye routine, like 3 kisses and a bear hug, high-fives, signing and saying ‘I love you’, or some other special thing that’s meaningful to your child.
Let your child know that you or another familiar grown-up will be back for pick-up at a particular time or after an event that your child understands, like sleep or snack time.
Keep your goodbyes brief. This makes it easier for your child to settle with their educators. It’s a good idea to let your child’s educator know when you’re planning to leave so they can be nearby to comfort your child.
Try to stay positive, both when you say goodbye and at home. Otherwise your child might pick up on your anxious feelings and feel more worried or unsafe.

Always say goodbye, even if your child looks busy and happy when it’s time for you to leave. Leaving without a goodbye can make children more upset when they realise you’ve gone. It’s best to let your child know you’re going and say that you’ll be back later.

When to change child care or seek help because your child isn’t settling

Sometimes, despite your best efforts to establish nurturing relationships between your child and their educators, you might feel that the child care service just isn’t right for your child.

If that’s the case, you might want to think again about the type of care you want for your child. It’s important for your child to learn to build relationships with others. But your child’s child care service might not suit your child at this point in their life. You might want to think about finding a different centre or a different type of child care.

If you don’t know why your child is unsettled and you think the problem could be more than just your child’s stage of development or the child care service, you might want to seek professional help. Your child and family health nurse is a good place to start.