Parents backing each other up

What is backing each other up?

Backing your partner up is about being consistent in your approach to raising children and managing your family. It’s about you and your partner supporting each other’s decisions in front of your children, and doing what you can to help each other in day-to-day family life.

Why backing each other is important

Backing each other up is good for your children and good for you.

A consistent approach to parenting gives your children a sense of security and safety because they know what to expect in their family life. This is good for your children’s development. It can also help them cope in times of change, stress or development, like when they move schools or start puberty.

And backing each other up shows your children that people can stand up for and respect each other, even when they don’t agree. This helps to protect children from the downsides of conflict. And it shows children some important life skills in action.

For you and your partner, consistent family rules, routines and expectations make it easier to manage your children’s behaviour. That’s because your children get the same messages from both of you about acceptable ways to behave and treat all family members.

Tips for backing each other up

Plan your family rules

Talk with your partner and agree in advance on some basic family rules – for example, you might have rules about safety, manners, politeness, daily routines and respect for each other.
Decide together how you’ll encourage good behaviour, including how you’ll use praise and rewards.
Decide together on the consequences you’ll use for misbehaviour.

Back up your partner’s decisions

If an issue comes up with your children – for example, inappropriate behaviour or a request for something unusual – check whether your partner has already dealt with the situation before you do anything. Try to support any decisions your partner has made.
If you don’t like your partner’s decisions or approach to a situation, wait until it’s over and discuss it later.
If a new situation or issue comes up for you, let your partner know how you dealt with it.
If you’re unsure of how to deal with a new situation, have a chat with your partner about it. You can say to your child, ‘I’d like to talk about this with Mum/Dad before I decide. We’ll get back to you’.

Avoid stepping in

If your partner seems to be having trouble handling a parenting situation, try not to step in and take control. Ask whether your partner would like you to help.
Look for other ways to help in problem situations. It might be that you can look after other children or do some household chores while your partner handles things.

Debrief problem situations

If you or your partner has had a parenting problem – for example, a toddler tantrum or teenage disrespect – make time to talk about it when it’s over and everyone is calm.
Talk through how you and your partner handled the problem, and what worked and what didn’t. Praise your partner for anything that they did well.
If you have suggestions for doing things differently, try making only one suggestion. You’ll have other opportunities to make other suggestions. Write them down if you think you might forget.
Have your discussion away from the children and when you’re both calm.

Support each other in practical ways

Share tasks like the washing up, school lunches, bedtime routines and so on. Plan ahead so you can both take turns.
Keep an eye out for times when your partner is tired or stressed. At these times you can offer extra practical help or give extra positive feedback. For example, you could say, ‘I appreciate how much you do to look after our family’.

Have regular catch-ups even when things are going well

Make a regular time to talk about your children and parenting. This gives you the chance to plan approaches and ideas for dealing with future challenges.
If you have to change the time of your regular catch-up, set up another time.
Focus on sharing the good things about raising your children together, as well as any problems.

When you’re focused on raising your children well, it can be easy to forget about looking after your relationship with your partner. It pays to make some ‘couple time’ for yourselves, even if it’s just a quiet cup of tea together after the children have gone to bed.

Getting help

Relationship counsellors can help you identify what’s causing conflict between you and work with you on practical solutions. It can help to speak to a relationship counsellor if you and your partner:

are having trouble backing each other up
are fighting a lot
feel that you’re losing respect for each other.

You could try the following options:

Call Relationships Australia in your state or territory on 1300 364 277.
Call Family Relationships Online on 1800 050 321.
See your GP to talk things through and get a referral to a psychologist or relationship or family counselling service.
Find a psychologist or counselling service through the Australian Psychology Society, Australian Counselling Association or Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia.

It’s good if you and your partner can see a counsellor together. But if your partner doesn’t want to go, it’s still worth seeking help by yourself.

Family violence is not OK. If you’re in a relationship that involves family violence, call the National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service on 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732).