Parents backing each other up

What is backing each other up?

Backing your partner up is about being consistent in your approach to raising your child and family life. It’s about you and your partner supporting each other’s decisions in front of your child and doing what you can to help each other in day-to-day family life.

Why backing each other up is important

Backing each other up is good for your child and good for you.

A consistent approach to parenting gives your child a sense of security and safety because they know what to expect in their family life. This is good for your child’s development. It can also help them cope in times of change, stress or development, like when they move schools or start puberty.

And backing each other up shows your child that people can stand up for and respect each other, even when they don’t agree. This helps to protect your child from the downsides of conflict. And it shows your child some important life skills in action.

For you and your partner, consistent family rules, routines and expectations make it easier to encourage positive behaviour in your child. That’s because your child gets the same messages from both of you about appropriate ways to behave and treat all family members.

And when you and your partner back each other up, you’re also giving each other emotional support. This can help you and your partner cope better with challenges and bounce back from them.

Tips for backing each other up

Plan your family rules

Talk with your partner and agree in advance on family rules. For example, you might have rules about safety, manners, politeness, daily routines and respect for each other.
Decide together how you’ll encourage positive behaviour, including how you’ll use praise, rewards and consequences.

Back up your partner’s decisions

If an issue comes up with your child – for example, challenging behaviour or an unusual request – check whether your partner has already dealt with the situation before you do anything. Try to support any decisions your partner has made.
If you don’t like your partner’s decisions or approach to a situation, discuss it later when your child isn’t with you.
If a new situation or issue comes up for you, let your partner know how you handled it.
If you’re unsure of how to deal with a new situation, talk with your partner about it. For example, you could say to your child, ‘I’d like to talk about this with Mum before I decide. We’ll get back to you’.

Avoid stepping in

If your partner seems to be having trouble handling a parenting situation, try not to step in and take control. Ask whether your partner would like you to help.
Consider having a code word or gesture to let your partner know you’d like their help.
Look for other ways to help while your partner handles a parenting situation. It might be that you can look after other children or do household chores while your partner handles the situation.

Debrief challenging situations

If you or your partner has had a parenting challenge – for example, a toddler tantrum or teenage disrespect – make time to talk about it with your partner when it’s over, you’re both calm and your child isn’t around.
Talk through how you and your partner handled the situation, including what worked and what didn’t. Praise your partner for anything that they did well.
If you have suggestions for doing things differently, try making only one suggestion so you don’t overwhelm your partner. You’ll have other opportunities to make suggestions another time. Write them down if you think you might forget.
If the situation was particularly challenging, you could try problem-solving together. Be respectful and take a break if you need to.

Support each other in practical ways

Share tasks like the washing up, school lunches, bedtime routines and so on. Plan so you can both agree on a fair share of responsibilities.
Keep an eye out for times when your partner is tired or stressed. At these times you can offer extra practical help or give extra positive feedback. For example, you could say, ‘I appreciate how much you do to look after our family’.

Have regular catch-ups even when things are going well

Make a regular time to talk about your child and parenting. This gives you the chance to plan approaches and ideas for dealing with future challenges.
If you have to change the time of your regular catch-up, set up another time.
Focus on sharing the good things about raising your child together, as well as any challenges or concerns.

When you’re focused on raising your child well, it can be easy to forget about looking after your relationship with your partner, especially in the early months. It pays to make some ‘couple time’ for yourselves, even if it’s just a quiet cup of tea together after your child has settled to sleep.

Getting help

Relationship counsellors can help you identify what’s causing conflict between you and work with you on practical solutions. It can help to speak to a relationship counsellor if you and your partner:

are having trouble backing each other up
are fighting a lot
feel that you’re losing respect for each other.

You could try the following options:

Call Relationships Australia in your state or territory on 1300 364 277.
Call Family Relationships Online on 1800 050 321.
See your GP to talk things through and get a referral to a psychologist or relationship or family counselling service.
Find a psychologist or counselling service through the Australian Psychology Society, Australian Counselling Association or Psychotherapy and Counselling Federation of Australia.

It’s good if you and your partner can see a counsellor together. But if your partner doesn’t want to go, it’s still worth seeking help by yourself.

Family violence is not OK. If you’re in a relationship that involves family violence, call the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service on 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732).