Social anxiety in parents: how to manage it

What is social anxiety?

Social anxiety is worry or fear about social situations.

If you have social anxiety, you might:

feel uncomfortable when you attend children’s playdates, parties and school activities
worry about being judged for saying or doing something embarrassing or offensive
have difficulty speaking, speak softly to others or avoid talking altogether, including on the phone
have difficulty eating or drinking in front of others
feel numb in group situations
avoid eye contact
avoid most social situations
develop or have a fear of missing out
have strong or frequent urges to escape social situations.

Social anxiety can have physical signs too, including sweating, increased heart rate, stomach aches, nausea, blushing and trembling. These physical signs can make you feel embarrassed and even more anxious.

Strategies for managing social anxiety as a parent

Social anxiety is quite common. But if it interferes with daily life for you or your child, it might be time to deal with it.

There are several strategies that can help you manage social anxiety:

Prepare for social events.
Take a gradual approach to social events.
Use positive self-talk.
Work on your wellbeing.

And if you find that social anxiety is still an issue even when you start using these strategies, it’s a good idea to get some professional support.

When you manage your social anxiety, it’s good for you and good for your child. For example, if you can go to social events with your child, your child gets the chance to develop friendship skills, conversation skills, confidence, self-esteem and a sense of independence as they get older. Your child also sees you managing your anxiety in healthy ways, which sets a great example.

Preparing for social events

Preparing for social interactions and events can help you feel more confident and at ease about them. Here are some ideas:

Find out what to expect. For example, if you’re going to your child’s end-of-season sports presentation, find out where you need to go and what you need to do.
Think about what to say in social situations. For example, you could make a list of questions for parent-teacher interviews, medical appointments and other meetings. When you’ve worked out your ‘script’, you can practise.
Write a note if you need to share information but don’t feel up to a long conversation. For example, if you’re dropping your child off at their friend’s party, you can write a note with your contact details and give it to the parent.
Arrange to go with someone to social events. Or before the event, connect with someone who’s going. For example, if you’re going to a class information night, you could say hello to another parent at a school drop-off or even introduce yourself.
Offer to do a specific task at events, like putting up decorations or setting up equipment.
If it’s appropriate, plan something to give yourself a short break from socialising. For example, take a book to read in the car at school pick-up, or go for a walk around the boundary while you’re watching your child’s cricket match. Try to take a short break only when your social anxiety becomes too strong to manage.
Make sure you have enough time between social events to recover and prepare. And if your child wants to attend an event but you need a break, ask a trusted family member or friend to go with your child.

Taking a gradual approach

It’s good to face situations that make you anxious, rather than avoiding them. But it usually helps to do this gradually.

For example, a gradual approach might start with going to small social events or going to social events with people you trust and feel comfortable with. As you feel more confident, you can build up to a broader range of events and people.

You could also try the stepladder approach. This gentle technique can help you gradually tackle more challenging social situations.

Here’s an example of how you could use the stepladder approach for school drop-offs and pick-ups. Once you feel comfortable with a step, move on to the next step:

During a school drop-off, smile at one parent.
At a later drop-off, smile and wave at the same parent.
At a later drop-off, approach the parent and introduce yourself.
At a later drop-off, introduce yourself to a new parent or a teacher.
At a later drop-off, talk with a parent or a teacher.

Using positive self-talk

Regular positive self-talk can reduce symptoms of social anxiety and improve your self-esteem and wellbeing. Here’s how.

Before a social event, you might say to yourself:

‘I can do this.’
‘I don’t have to stay long.’
‘I might enjoy myself.’
‘I didn’t want to go last time, but I went anyway and ended up having fun.’
‘It’s important for my child to develop their skills’.

During a social event, you might say to yourself:

‘I’m doing fine.’
‘I can leave whenever I want to.’
‘I don’t have to be perfect.’
‘I’m doing this for my child.’

After a social event, you might say to yourself:

‘I did it.’
‘It was hard, but I got through it.’
‘It was good seeing my child have fun.’
‘My child got to play with other children.’
‘I’m grateful that I was able to go to the event with my child.’

Working on wellbeing

These tips for everyday wellbeing can help you feel good. When you feel good, you’re better able to manage social anxiety:

Establish a weekly routine. This can give you a sense of predictability, which can reduce anxiety. Make sure the routine has time to relax and do things that you enjoy.
Practise self-compassion. It’s important to be kind to yourself as you learn to manage social anxiety. Remind yourself you’re doing the best you can.
Talk to someone about how you’re feeling. This could be someone you trust and feel comfortable with, like your partner, a family member or a close friend.
Set goals that are important to you and your child. For example, you could work up to taking your child to their friend’s house more often.
Talk to your child about your social anxiety and how you’re managing it. For example, ‘I was nervous about that meeting, but it helped to write down what I wanted to say’. This sends the message that it’s OK to talk about feelings and shows your child how to handle social challenges.
Try breathing exercises, muscle relaxation or mindfulness.
Eat well and do some exercise. Being fit and well is good for your overall wellbeing.

Professional support for social anxiety

If your social anxiety is stopping you from doing things you need to do for yourself or your child, it’s important to get professional support.

The best place to start is your GP. Your GP can refer you to a health professional who can help you with social anxiety, like a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor.

Here are more ways to get support:

Call Lifeline on 131 114 or Beyond Blue on 1300 224 636.
Check Head to Health to find online programs and information on social anxiety.
Contact a psychologist through Australian Psychological Society – Find a Psychologist.
Call a parenting hotline.
Go to your local community health centre.

Some people develop social anxiety disorder. This is when a person’s social anxiety causes severe distress or significantly affects their daily life, and this goes on for more than 6 months. If you think you might have social anxiety disorder, it’s important to seek professional help.