Anger management guide for parents

Why parents feel angry sometimes

Raising children is a big and important job. It often involves balancing many different demands, including work, family time, household chores, children’s activities and social activities. When you’re in this situation, it’s easy to lose patience and feel angry when things don’t go to plan.

Sometimes you might feel angry or frustrated with your partner, if you have one, when you don’t agree on decisions about raising children or household chores. These sorts of disagreements can lead to conflict, especially if you’re feeling undermined or unsupported.

Sometimes you might feel angry about your child’s behaviour too. For example, if your child speaks rudely to you or doesn’t cooperate, you might feel yourself getting angry.

And there are other factors that can make you more likely to feel angry – like illness, stress at work, financial difficulties, lack of sleep, lack of time for yourself or feelings of resentment or disappointment.

How to stop feeling angry as a parent

You probably can’t stop feelings of anger, because anger is a natural emotion.

But you can learn to navigate the parenting challenges that trigger your anger. You can also learn to be kind to yourself about feeling angry. And when angry feelings happen, you can learn to manage them in healthy ways.

This is good for you and good for your child.

Did you know that anger can sometimes be a good thing? For example, anger might give you energy to get something done or to stand up for what you believe in.

Why is anger management important for parents?

Parent anger management is important for your child’s development.

This is because children need to feel safe and secure to grow and develop well. And one of the ways to help your child feel safe is to find healthy ways to manage anger.

Managing anger also gives you the chance to set a good example for your child. It sends the message that anger is a natural emotion and it’s OK to feel angry sometimes. It also shows your child that it’s important to find healthy ways of managing anger. You can do this by using words to describe your feelings and responses. For example, ‘I’m feeling angry. I’m going to walk away for a minute to calm down before we talk about this’.

Managing anger in healthy ways can also help you avoid saying or doing things that hurt other people, make problems worse or lead to conflict.

If you ever feel so angry that you might hurt your child or your partner, leave the room and seek help immediately. Call Lifeline on 131 114, the National Domestic Family and Sexual Violence Counselling Service on 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732), MensLine Australia on 1300 789 978, or a parent helpline.

What are the signs of anger?

Your body and your mind give you early signs of anger. When you can recognise these early signs, you can also take early steps to calm down before you lose your temper.

Signs of anger in your body

Faster heart rate
Churning in your stomach
Irritation
A feeling of energy or pressure building up inside
Faster breathing
Facial flushing
Tensing shoulders
Clenching jaw and hands
Louder voice and faster speech
Sweating

Signs of anger in your mind and thinking

Negative thinking is a common early sign of anger, and it can also make anger worse. Here are examples of negative thinking. If you notice thoughts like these, it might tell you that you’re starting to feel angry:

‘You children are so naughty.’
‘If you did what I asked, I wouldn’t feel so angry.’
‘No-one ever helps me – I have to do everything myself.’
‘No-one appreciates me.’

Never shake a baby. Newborns and babies have very weak neck muscles to support their large, heavy heads. Shaking a baby – or hitting, kicking or throwing a baby – can result in death, disability or serious injury.

How to manage anger as a parent

Identify angry feelings

The first step to managing your anger is to notice early signs like the ones listed above. It’s important to know and say that you’re angry, even if it’s just to yourself. For example, ‘This is making me angry’ or ‘I can feel myself getting angry’.

Try to calm down

When you recognise signs of anger early, you take action to start calming down. Calming down will make it easier to manage your anger.

Try these ideas:

If it’s safe, step away from your child for a moment, or ask someone to watch your child. Go outside or somewhere quiet or dark, look out a window, or get a cool drink.
Slow your breathing. You can do this even if you can’t step away from your child. Breathe in for 2 seconds and breathe out for 4 seconds.
If your child is being very loud, try blocking your ears or putting on noise-cancelling headphones for a moment. Then take a few deep, slow breaths.
Notice when you’re calming down. Signs include a slower heart rate, more relaxed muscles and clearer thoughts.

Reflect on the situation

When you feel calm, it’s good to reflect on what happened. This can help you be kind to yourself, learn from the experience and handle similar situations better in the future.

Ask yourself:

‘How important was the situation?
’What made me so upset about the situation?’
’What did I have control over in the situation? What didn’t I have control over?’
‘How do I want to sort out this situation?’
‘Is there anything I need to do to sort out the situation, or can I let it go?’

You might even do your reflection the next day. This can give you a better perspective on the situation.

Look after yourself

Looking after yourself can help you feel calmer and better able to manage strong emotions like anger.

You can look after yourself by:

eating well and doing physical activity
trying to get enough rest or sleep
making time for things you enjoy.

If you’re finding it hard to control anger, talking to a health professional is an important step. Start by seeing your GP, who can help you make an anger management plan.

What to do when you don’t manage anger well

There will be times when you don’t manage anger well and you might yell at your child or say or do things you regret.

When this happens, it’s always best to talk with your child about what happened. This gives you the chance to take responsibility for your feelings and reactions. It can build trust and strengthen your relationship with your child.

Ideas for what to say to your child

‘I’m sorry for losing my temper. Next time I’ll take myself away to calm down earlier.’
‘I’m sorry I yelled. Can we talk about what happened?’
‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, even though I was angry. I should have walked away and calmed down before we talked about it.’

Should you say sorry for getting angry? There’s no need to apologise for your feelings, because it’s OK to feel angry. It’s just not OK to yell or hurt someone. So it’s better to say sorry for your reactions, like yelling or losing your temper.