What to expect when you’re raising your partner’s child as a step-parent
Helping your partner to raise their child in your blended family can be a positive experience for everyone.
As a step-parent, it gives you the chance to play a central role in a child’s life. And it gives your partner’s child the opportunity to build a strong relationship with another adult. It also gives you and your partner the opportunity to strengthen your relationship by raising a child as a team.
To start with, your partner’s child might feel shy or uncomfortable around you. That’s OK. It might take a while for you and your partner’s child to find ways to relate that feel right to both of you.
At times, you might also have to deal with negative reactions from the child’s other parent. This could affect how your partner’s child feels and behaves towards you.
Also, you and your partner might have different ideas about raising children, guiding children’s behaviour, balancing work and family and so on.
There’s no one right way to be a step-parent. Over time you’ll find ways to help with raising your partner’s child that suit you and your family.
How to build a relationship with your partner’s child as a step-parent
Sensitivity, respect, flexibility and time can help you gradually build a relationship with your partner’s child and navigate challenges along the way.
Reflect on your own expectations
It’s a good idea to think about how much involvement you want with your partner’s child and what feels comfortable to you. You might like to learn about building strong relationships in blended families and stepfamilies.
Talk with your partner
Clear and open communication with your partner about your relationship with their child is key. Questions like these can help you start a conversation:
- What role do you want me to play with your child?
- What should I do? What shouldn’t I do?
- How will we know if it’s going well?
- How will we give each other feedback without taking it too personally?
Get to know your partner’s child
It’s good to get to know your partner’s child before you live together if you can. Here are ideas:
- Go on outings or do activities together like walking the dog, making a meal or watching a movie.
- Do practical things like helping your partner’s child with their homework or driving them to meet friends.
- Ask your partner about their child’s particular needs, likes and dislikes.
- Take an interest in something your partner’s child likes. For example, you could ask them if you can watch while they play a video game. After a while, they might be happy to play with you.
Focus on positives
Try to be accepting and positive towards your partner’s child. For example, you could give the child plenty of praise and encouragement.
Take things slowly
Take things at a pace that suits your partner’s child. Don’t expect instant love or even like between you. Early on, settle for respect.
In the first 1-2 years, it often works well to be someone your partner’s child can depend on for the same things each week, like always taking them to sport on Saturdays. This will give your partner’s child the chance to get to know and trust you.
Once you and your partner’s child are comfortable with each other, you can take on more of a parenting role if that’s what you, your partner and your partner’s child want. This will also depend on the age of the child.
Get support from your partner
Your partner has a key role in strengthening your relationship with their child.
In the early years of a new blended family or stepfamily, it’s often best if your partner continues to be their child’s main source of love, care and behaviour guidance. This includes setting rules and boundaries around things like respect, routines, safety, screen time and so on. And if your partner’s child is disrespectful towards you, it’s important for your partner to support you.
Think about the other parent of your partner’s child
The other parent of your partner’s child might need time to adjust to your role in their child’s life. It might be easier if you don’t have much involvement with this person, at least at first.
It usually works best if the parents talk with each other about child care and other arrangements, especially in the early years. But if the other parent is happy to discuss things with you, and you and your partner feel OK with this, that’s fine too.
Over time you might get to know and like the other parent and feel comfortable enough to share events like children’s birthdays or graduation celebrations.
Raising children is an important job, and looking after yourself helps you do the job well. Spend time doing things that make you feel good and are good for you – for example, exercising, eating well, seeing friends and keeping up with your own interests.
Raising children for the first time
If you haven’t had much or any experience of raising children, these ideas can help:
- Read about the developmental ages and stages of your partner’s children.
- Learn about positive parenting strategies like active listening, routines and positive attention. You and your partner could go to a positive parenting class together.
- Ask your partner about their child’s normal routines and have a plan for the day, especially if you’re looking after your partner’s child while your partner isn’t around.
All parents need support sometimes. Talking with people in similar situations to yours can be a great way to get support. You can connect by joining a face-to-face or online support group.