How to be a blended family or stepfamily in the early years

The early years in a blended family or stepfamily are about getting to know each other as partners and building new family relationships. You and your new partner are also learning to work together to care for your children. It’s OK if you don’t always have the answers or things don’t go to plan.

Being realistic and flexible can help as relationships develop and everyone gets used to being in your new family. This can take 2-5 years.

Preparing children to be part of blended families and stepfamilies

It’s good if you and your new partner can spend time getting to know each other’s children before you move in together. This lets you focus on the relationships rather than on the new living arrangements. But sometimes couples move in together quite quickly because it feels right for them or because it’s difficult to keep 2 homes going.

Whenever it happens for you, it’s important to talk with your child about what you want to do and what it will be like. Ask your child what they think, and encourage them to share worries or concerns. Let them know that there are likely to be ups and downs with the new family situation, and they can always come to you when they need to talk.

You could talk about some of the plans, like where you’re going to live if you’re moving house and what space your child will have in the new house. Or if you’re staying in your house, you could talk about how the space might change when your new partner moves in.

If you can involve your child in making some decisions about the house or arrangements, they’ll feel they have some control. But they’ll probably need extra affection and reassurance from you too.

Everyday life in blended families and stepfamilies

As well as building relationships, the early months in a blended family or stepfamily are also about establishing how you’ll all live together. This might include:

• working out who’s responsible for guiding children’s behaviour, including setting consequences for behaviour
• working out new family routines and household responsibilities – for example, cooking meals, making the children’s lunches, and doing the shopping and cleaning
• setting up new family rules
• sorting out bedrooms and work or study spaces for the children.

New and old rituals can help as you work out how your blended family will live together. Rituals can give family members a sense of belonging and can comfort children in unfamiliar circumstances.

It’s good for your routines and rituals to be a mix of those that you and your new partner already have, plus new ones for your blended family. For example, if your child loves listening to you read a bedtime story, carrying on that tradition might help them feel safe and secure in your new family. Or you could think about new weekly rituals for the whole family, like playing board games on Sundays.

A strong, loving relationship and regular one-on-one time with you are key to helping your child adjust to the changes in your blended family or stepfamily.

Money management in blended families and stepfamilies

There’s no one right way to manage your money.

Some couples have joint bank accounts and share all their finances. Others keep their finances separate and cover family costs between them. Others have a shared account for household expenses and also have their own separate accounts.

When you’re deciding how to manage your finances as a blended family or stepfamily, these tips might help:

• Talk through the options and make decisions before you move in together.
• Keep talking as new things come up. For example, if you’re having a baby together, what will it mean if one of you goes on parental leave?
• Make sure that there’s financial support for all children.
• Think about what each of you will contribute to things like rent, mortgage and house repairs.

Some blended families think about a legal agreement for finances, especially for things like mortgages and house repairs. It can also be a good idea to see a financial adviser. You can find out more at MoneySmart – Choosing a financial adviser.

Letting your child’s other parent know about new family arrangements

It’s important to tell your child’s other parent about the change in your family arrangements. They might need time to get used to the new situation.

If things are difficult with your child’s other parent, these tips can help:

• Think of your relationship with your child’s other parent as a business arrangement, in which you work with your former partner to manage conflict for the benefit of your child.
• Be respectful towards your child’s other parent and your partner’s former partner, even if they’re not respectful towards you.
• Work on sorting out your co-parenting arrangements with your child’s other parent.