Romantic feelings in autistic teenagers: what to expect

Autistic teenagers develop romantic feelings in the same way as all teenagers. That is, at some point in adolescence, they might feel emotionally and physically attracted to other people.

But your autistic teen might need your support to understand what they’re feeling.

How to know whether your autistic teen is having romantic feelings for someone

The first step is watching for signs that your teen has special feelings for someone.

Signs your autistic teen has romantic feelings

• Your teen is regularly speaking with that person, in person or online.
• Your teen wants to spend time alone with the person rather than in a group with others.
• Your teen stops spending time with their other friends.

How to help your autistic teen understand their romantic feelings

Here are examples you could use to help your teen recognise and understand their own romantic feelings:

• ‘I noticed that you’re talking to Harper a lot. It looks like you really care about them.’
• ‘You’ve been spending some time alone with Elijah as well as at Scouts. Do you like him more than you used to?’
• ‘I noticed that you’re spending a lot of time with Aaliyah. This can mean that you feel attracted to her. Does that sound like how you’re feeling?’

Social stories can also be a good way to help your teen understand these feelings.

Your autistic teen’s romantic feelings and attractions are part of your autistic teen’s overall sexual development, although these feelings might or might not be sexual.

How to help your autistic teen understand other people’s romantic signals

If your teen has romantic feelings for someone, you might need to help your teen work out whether that person also has romantic feelings for them.

This might be hard for your teen – just as it can sometimes be for all teens.

For example, your teen might not understand that people sometimes:

• are shy or socially anxious
• hide their romantic feelings
• are friendly even when they don’t have romantic feelings.

You can help by explaining signs your teen can watch out for.

Signs someone might have romantic feelings

• The person leans forward to hear what your teen says.
• The person touches your teen’s hair or arm.
• The person laughs at your teen’s jokes.
• The person invites your teen to do something special together.

Signs someone is not interested

• The person might move or turn away from your teen.
• The person might fold their arms when they face your teen.
• The person might not answer when your teen talks to them.

Signs someone is just being polite

• The person smiles and talks to your teen, but they don’t talk about spending more time together.
• The person says vague things like, ‘We should catch up sometime’. But they don’t make firm plans for getting together.

You can use visual supports to help with explaining these ideas and signs to your teen. For example, you could use photos or drawings of how people might behave if they’re attracted to your teen or if they’re not interested.

How to help your autistic teen navigate dating

If your autistic teen has romantic feelings for someone, they might want to spend time with that person doing something special.

It might be time to prepare your teen for dating.

Deciding whether to ask someone out

If your teen thinks that a person is showing signs of romantic interest, here are things for your teen to think about before asking the person out on a date:

• Successful relationships often start with shared interests. Are there activities or interests that both your teen and the other person enjoy doing?
• Does your teen feel like they can be themselves around the other person? For example, can they express their feelings and behave in a natural way?

Asking someone out

These tips can help your autistic teen feel more confident about asking someone out on a date and be clear about what is and isn’t OK:

• Role-play asking someone to go to the movies. You could also role-play what to do if the person says yes or no.
• Set clear rules about inviting someone on a date. For example, ‘You can ask someone out once. If they say they’re not free, you can ask them again another time. If they say no again, even if they give you an excuse, you shouldn’t ask again’.
• Set boundaries about appropriate behaviour. For example, it isn’t OK to follow someone around or send them 10 messages asking why they haven’t responded yet.

Going on a date

These tips might help when your teen organises a date with someone for the first time:

• Choose an activity that they both enjoy, so your teen and their date can both be themselves.
• Consider an activity with less pressure to talk or socialise, like going to a movie.
• Wear clothes that match where they’re going and what they’re doing. But if your teen has sensory sensitivities, encourage them to wear familiar and comfortable clothes.
• Brainstorm ideas for conversation topics before your teen goes on the date. Your teen could do this with friends or with you.

Holding hands, hugging or kissing on a date

It’s important for your autistic teen to know that some people like to touch each other or hug and kiss on a date. These tips can help you talk about this:

• Let your teen know that people have touch preferences, and this is OK.
• Encourage your teen to think about the sensory input they’re comfortable with. Let them know that it’s OK for them to have preferences too.
• Tell your teen that communicating about touch preferences is part of a successful date, and help them practise. For example, ‘I prefer closed-mouth kissing’, or ‘I don’t feel comfortable holding hands’.
• If your teen doesn’t feel comfortable with touching, help them think of other ways to express and receive affection. These might include doing nice things for others, spending time together or doing a shared activity.

Online dating

Your older teenager might use online dating or form an online relationship with someone. Here are things to talk about in this situation:

• Online safety and risks – these include people not being who they say they are or people asking for intimate images or personal information.
• Monitoring their partner online – this can include watching who a person interacts with or counting how many times a person’s posts are liked by others. If monitoring becomes excessive, it can lead to conflict.

If your child uses augmentative and alternative communication or has communication support needs, you can talk with your child’s speech pathologist or another support person about how they can ask someone out and communicate while they’re on a date.

How to help your teen learn about respectful relationships

Dating might lead to longer-term or more significant relationships for your autistic teen.

This means it will be important for your teen to learn about respectful relationships. These relationships are a vital part of healthy emotional and sexual development. They help young people feel valued and accepted for who they are.

You can help your teen learn by explaining good and bad signs in relationships.

Good signs in a relationship

• The other person asks your teen to do only things that they feel safe and comfortable with.
• The person is honest and doesn’t tell made-up stories to your teen about family members or peers.
• The person listens to your teen as much as your teen listens to them.
• The person doesn’t expect your teen to do everything that they want. For example, the person is happy if your teen wants to do something different or go out by themselves or with other people.
• The person supports your teen. For example, the person says nice words and helps your teen when they’re upset.
• The person doesn’t tease or bully your teen or say things that make them feel bad.

Bad signs in a relationship

• The person doesn’t give your teen much attention or affection.
• The person says mean things that make your teen feel stupid or bad.
• The person hurts your teen’s body, their private parts or their feelings about their body and private parts. For example, the person makes your teen do something that they feel uncomfortable about.
• The person doesn’t want your teen to meet friends and family.
• The person bullies your teen.

How to help your autistic teen cope with relationship break-ups

It can help your teen to know that sometimes relationships go on for a long time, and sometimes they end quickly. Sometimes, both people in a relationship agree to end it. Other times, only one person decides to end the relationship.

How your teen might feel

If your teen didn’t want a relationship to end, they might feel confused, sad, lonely or angry. Your teen might also feel like this if they wanted a romantic relationship with someone, but the other person didn’t want one. These feelings are natural.

How to support your teen

You can encourage your teen to:

• spend time with other friends and family
• do things they enjoy
• talk about what happened and how they’re feeling with you, another trusted adult or a friend
• express how they’re feeling using writing, social stories, art or sport.

You could also talk about things your teen shouldn’t do when a relationship ends, like shout at the other person or send angry emails or text messages.