What to expect
For younger children, relationships are usually all about parents, close family and same-age friends. In adolescence, a new player might enter the field – the romantic relationship.
Romantic relationships are a major developmental milestone. They come with all the other changes going on during adolescence – physical, emotional, social and mental. And they’re linked to your child’s growing interest in body image and looks, independence and privacy.
Romantic relationships can bring lots of emotional ups and downs for your child – and sometimes for the whole family. The idea that your child might have these kinds of feelings can sometimes be a bit confronting for you. But these feelings are leading your child towards a deeper capacity to care, share and develop intimate relationships.
When relationships start
Every child is different, but here are some averages:
- From 9-11 years, your child might start to show more independence from the family and more interest in friends.
- From 10-14 years, your child might want to spend more time in mixed gender groups, which might eventually end up in a romantic relationship.
- From 15-19 years, romantic relationships can become central to social life. Friendships might become deeper and more stable.
It’s normal for children to have no interest in romantic relationships until their late teens, but many teenagers spend a lot of time thinking and talking about being in a relationship. In these years, relationships might last only a few weeks or a few months.
Talking about relationships with your child
Your family plays a big part in the way your child thinks about sex and relationships. Having conversations with your child about sex and relationships from a young age might mean your child feels more comfortable to ask you questions as he moves into adolescence.
When you encourage conversations about feelings, friendships and family relationships, it can help your child feel confident to talk about her relationships in the future. This can also mean she’ll feel more comfortable sharing her feelings with you as she starts to get romantically interested in others. If your child knows what respectful and good behaviour in a friendship looks like, she can relate this directly to romantic relationships.
Young people might also talk to their friends, which is healthy and normal. They still need your back-up, though, so keeping the lines of communication open is important.
The most influential role models for teenagers are the grown-ups in their lives. You can be a positive
role model in your own relationships and friendships by treating your partner, friends and family with care and respect. Just talking about both men and women respectfully lets your child know you think everyone’s equal and valuable.
First relationships
There isn’t a ‘right age’ to start having relationships – every child is different, and every family will feel differently about this issue. Relationships are likely to change over time too.
Younger teenagers usually hang out together in groups. They might meet up with someone special among friends, and then gradually spend more time with that person alone.
If children want to go out alone with someone special, talking with them can help you get a sense of whether they’re ready. Do they want a boyfriend or girlfriend just because their friends do? Does they think it’s the only way to go out and have fun? Or do they want to spend time getting to know someone better? If the person your child’s interested in is older or younger, it could be worth mentioning that people of different ages might want different things from relationships.
Talking with your child about going out with someone special can bring up lots of important topics, such as treating other people kindly, breaking up kindly and respecting other people’s boundaries.
In some ways, talking about relationships and going out is like talking about friendships or going to a party. Depending on your values and family rules, you and your child might need to discuss behaviour and ground rules, plus consequences for breaking the rules. You might also want to agree on some strategies for what your child should do if he feels unsafe or threatened.
Sex and teenage relationships
If your child’s in a relationship, it can bring up questions about sex and intimacy.
Not all teenage relationships include sex, but most teenagers will experiment with sex at some stage. This is why your child needs clear information on contraception, safe sex and STIs.
This could also be your chance to talk together about dealing with unwanted sexual (and peer) pressure. If you keep the lines of communication open and let your child know that you’re there to listen, she’ll be more likely to come to you with questions and concerns.
Talking with your child about sex and relationships won’t encourage him to start having sex before he’s ready. In fact, the opposite is true – if comfortable, open discussion about sex is part of your relationship, it can actually delay the start of sexual activity and lead to your child having safer sexual activity when he does start. You might like to read more in our article on
sexuality and wellbeing in adolescence.
Same-sex attraction and early sexual experimentation
For some young people, sexual development during adolescence will include same-sex attraction and experiences.
In fact, for 3-10% of young people, the start of puberty will mean realising they have same-sex attraction. A larger number of young people might develop bisexual attraction.
If your child feels confused about her feelings or attraction to someone else, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. A big part of this is being clear about your own feelings about same-sex attraction. If you think you might have trouble being calm and positive, there might be another adult you know – who both you and your child trust – who could talk with your child about her feelings.
Sexuality develops and often changes over time. What happens in adolescence isn’t set in stone for the rest of your child’s life. He doesn’t have to label himself as ‘gay’, ‘straight’ or anything else. Exploration and experimentation with sexuality is normal and common – the most important thing is to be safe.
Dealing with break-ups
Break-ups and broken hearts are part of teenage relationships. To make things worse, teenage break-ups might be played out in public – maybe at school, or online on social networking websites.
You might expect your child to be sad and emotional if her relationship ends. It might not seem this way at the time, but this is part of learning how to cope with difficult decisions and disappointments. Your child might need time and space, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing ear to listen. She might also need some distraction.
Active listening can help you pick up on your child’s needs. But if your child seems sad or even depressed for more than a few weeks after a break-up, it might be worth getting some advice from a health professional, such as your GP.
If you’re concerned that your child might be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you can find information about warning signs and what to do on
The Line. This is an Australian Government campaign that provides a website and Facebook page where young people can talk about how to have and keep respectful relationships.
Extra help with teenage relationships
Many people and services can help you with support and information – in person, online or on the phone. You could try:
Special needs
A child with special needs has the same interest in – and need for information about – sex and relationships as other teenagers. Rates of sexual activity for young people with disabilities are the same as those for teenagers without disabilities.
Make sure your child has developmentally appropriate sex education at home and at school. Your health professional, local community resources and relevant support groups should be able to give you help or advice.
Video:
Friends and peers
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This video features mums and dads of teenagers with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) talking about their children’s friendships and relationships with the opposite sex. Towards the end of the video, parents talk about their children’s understanding of relationships, sex and sexuality.
As one dad says, ‘The mechanics are sorted out. The issue he’ll have is understanding the complicated interactions between two people and the messages about what people are thinking and feeling’.
