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Talking to each other

Parent teamwork skills - making parenting easier

By Parenting Research Centre
 
 
  • Talking keeps you close and can strengthen your long-term relationship.
  • What you say, and how you say it, influences how well you work together to resolve issues that are causing conflict.
  • Talking through concerns and problems can help you and your partner work together to resolve the dilemmas that raising children brings.

Talking: why it's important

Talking is a major part of resolving problems or conflict. What you say, and how you say it, influences how well you are understood. It also affects how others respond to you.

Talking with your partner and family about everyday things – like what you're doing, what they're doing, how you feel, how they feel – is one of the main ways that families and relationships connect.

What we say and do can be especially important in resolving sensitive or controversial issues. If you have to raise an issue, the keys are to: 

  • share feelings rather than blame
  • put forward suggestions rather than giving commands
  • open topics with positive feedback
  • think about when it’s a good time to raise a topic – maybe after the immediate issue is over, and not at stressful times like dinnertime and bedtime
  • consider postponing the discussion until later if things get heated, and agree on a suitable time. 

Tips for talking

IdeasHow to do it
Be politeYou might be surprised at how often the basics of politeness can slip in long-term relationships. Words like ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ can help a lot.
Give your partner positivesEveryone likes to feel appreciated. Look for opportunities to give your partner positive feedback. If your partner is used to receiving praise and encouragement from you, it will make it easier to listen when you have to raise a problem.
Minimise criticism of your partner

Ask yourself whether an issue is really that important, before raising it with your partner. Can you let it go?

Hold back hurtful words or words that will provoke argument
  • Avoid name calling or negative references (‘you’re stupid’), bringing up the past (‘this is just like last time’), questioning your partner’s intentions or motivation (‘you just don’t care!’), or making unfavourable comparisons (‘you’re just like your mother!’).
  • Watch out for words or phrases that imply that your partner is always wrong or not trying – your partner is bound to disagree. Phrases to avoid include 'you always,' and 'you never'.
  • Try to describe what is causing concern and leave out why you think it’s happening.

    For example,

    'I would find it easier to get dinner if the kids were kept busy. Would you be able to spend some time with them?'

    rather than,

    ‘You never help me. You are so lazy and inconsiderate – you just sit down and watch television while I have to get the dinner ready and look after the children’.
Be brief
  • Long-winded explanations can sound like a lecture and can be a barrier to good understanding.
  • Think about what is most important for your partner to hear, then try to describe it in as few words as possible.
  • Stay focused on the topic, rather than sidetracking the conversation by raising other issues or concerns.
  • Concentrate on solving the problem, rather than working out who is to blame for the problem.
Be responsible for how you feel
  • Avoid statements that start with ‘you’. These can sound like an attack and make your partner feel defensive.
  • Describe what you want, using a statement that starts with ‘I’ rather than focusing on what your partner is or isn’t doing.
  • Share your feelings about a situation and briefly describe what the problem is from your point of view.

    For example,

    ‘I feel embarrassed when you say things like that in front of our
    friends’,

    rather than,

    ‘You are an inconsiderate loud mouth’.
  • Offering suggestions or examples rather than telling your partner what to do.
  • Use tentative words such as ‘might’, ‘could be’ and ‘I wonder if’. Most people are more open to being given options than being told what to do.

    For example,

    ‘I wonder if it would be useful to have a strategy that we can both use when the kids misbehave’ or ‘I have found that it works if … ’

    rather than,

    ‘You always change the way you deal with the kids. You use different strategies from me and the kids get confused. We both need to do the same thing’.
If your partner raises something with you, try to listen and address the issue. Admit fault if relevant and move towards a solution. Also, try not to use the occasion as an opportunity to bring up your own problems. If you have problems (even related ones), bring them up with your partner at another time, maybe right after the current conversation.

Getting help

If you are in a relationship that involves violence, seek professional help and do whatever is necessary to ensure the safety of you and your children.

 
 
  • Last reviewed05-05-2006
  • References

    Fowers, B.J. (2001). The limits of a technical concept of a good marriage: Exploring the role of virtue in communication skills. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(3), 327-340.

    Gottman, J.M., Markman, H.J., & Notarius, C.I. (1976). A couple’s guide to communication. Champaign, IL: Research Press.

    Halford, W.K. (2001). Brief therapy for couples. New York: Guilford Press.

    Jacobson, N.S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Acceptance and change in couple therapy: A therapist’s guide to transforming relationships. New York: W.W. Norton
    & Company Inc.

    Markie-Dadds, C., Turner, K. & Sanders, M.R. (1998). Every parent’s supplementary workbook. Milton, QLD: Triple P International.

  • AcknowledgementsThe Parents and Teamwork series was produced with support from the Victorian Government Department of Human Services. © Copyright Victorian Government Department of Human Services 2005