Why are teenagers disrespectful?

Disrespect is a common part of teenage development, although not all teenagers are rude or disrespectful.

Independence

Rudeness and disrespect happen partly because your child is developing independence in many areas of their life, which is a key part of growing up.

For example, your child is developing, expressing and testing independent ideas and values, so there’ll be times when you disagree. It’s a good sign that your child is trying to take responsibility for themselves, but they’re also still learning how to handle disagreement and differing opinions appropriately.

Your child is also developing new and independent social interests and relationships, and privacy is becoming more important to them. So sometimes you might get a rude or disrespectful response because your child feels you’re too interested in their life or activities.

The teenage brain

Your child’s brain is going through a lot of development. This can lead to strong and changing feelings and reactions to everyday or unexpected things. These feelings and reactions might include anger, grumpiness, sadness or rudeness, which might be hard for your child to manage. Teenage brain development can also affect your child’s ability to empathise and understand other people’s perspectives, including yours.

A shift to deeper thinking is a normal part of development too. As a result, your child might seem to have a conflicting and radical view on everything, and they might question previously held beliefs.

Other reasons

Disrespectful behaviour can also happen for other reasons. For example, your child might behave rudely because they think it’s a way to impress others or because they’ve seen their friends behave this way.

And sometimes disrespectful behaviour might be a sign that your child is sad or feeling stressed or feeling anxious

No matter how grumpy your child seems, they still value time talking and connecting with you. You might need to be a little more understanding if your child is short-tempered or changeable. It can help to remember that this phase will usually pass.

How to handle teen attitude and disrespect

Communication tips

• Stay calm. This is important if your child reacts with ‘attitude’ to a discussion. Stop, take a deep breath, and continue calmly with what you wanted to say.
• Use humour. A shared laugh can sometimes release tension, bring a new perspective, lighten the tone, and take the heat out of a situation. Just avoid putting your child down or being sarcastic.
• Ignore shrugs, raised eyes and bored looks if your child is still talking with you.
• Check your understanding. Sometimes teenagers are disrespectful without meaning to be rude. You could say something like, ‘That comment came across as pretty rude. Did you mean it to come across like that?’
• Give descriptive praise when your child communicates in a positive way.

Relationship tips

• Be a role model. When you’re with your child, try to speak and act the way you’d like your child to speak and act towards you. For example, if you swear a lot, your child might find it hard to understand why it’s not OK for them to swear.
• If there’s a lot of tension between you and your child, another trusted adult might be able to help with supporting your child. This can ease the strain.
• Check in with your child to make sure there’s nothing that’s making them feel particularly stressed or worried.
• Get to know your child’s friends.

Discipline tips

• Set clear family rules about behaviour and communication. For example, you could say, ‘We speak respectfully in our family. This means we don’t call people names’. It’s a good idea to involve your child in discussions about the rules.
• Focus on your child’s behaviour and how you feel about it. Avoid any comments about your child’s personality or character. Instead of saying, ‘You’re rude’, try something like, ‘I feel hurt when you speak like that to me’.
• Talk about, set and use consequences, but try not to set too many. At times, it might be appropriate to use consequences for things like rudeness, swearing or name-calling.

Many things influence pre-teen and teenage behaviour. It’s always a good idea to think about why your child is behaving in a particular way. When you understand the reasons for your child’s behaviour, you’re better able to choose an appropriate response.

What to avoid

Arguments and anger

Arguing rarely works. And when we get angry, we can say things we don’t mean.

If you’re angry or in the middle of an argument, it will be hard for you and your child to calmly discuss a problem. A more effective approach is to tell your child that you want to talk and agree on a time for a conversation. This will give you and your child a chance to calm down.

Defensiveness

Try not to take things personally. It might help to remind yourself that your child is growing up and trying to assert their independence.

Lectures

Even though you have more life experience, lecturing your child about how to behave is likely to turn them off listening. If you want your child to listen to you, you might need to spend time actively listening to your child first.

Nagging

This isn’t likely to have much effect. It might increase your frustration, and your child will probably just switch off.

Sarcasm

This will almost certainly create resentment and increase the distance between you and your child.

When to be concerned

If your child’s attitude towards you and your family doesn’t respond to any of the strategies suggested above, it might be a warning sign that there’s a deeper problem.

You might also be concerned if your child:

• shows signs of depression like feeling sad, tearful, moody or irritable, or withdrawing from family, friends or usual activities
• runs away from home or stops going to school regularly
• uses physical or verbal violence towards other family members.

If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour, it’s OK to seek help and advice. Here are things you can do:

• Seek professional support – good people to talk to include school counsellors, teachers and your GP.
• Discuss the issue as a family, and try to work out ways of supporting each other.
• Talk to other parents and find out what they do.

It’s important to look after yourself too. If you’re managing your stress and meeting your own needs, you’ll be better able to meet your child’s needs. Friends and family can be a great source of support, as can parents of other teenagers.