About discipline

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When most people use the word ‘discipline’, what they really mean is ‘punishment’. Sometimes they are even referring to ‘physical punishment’. Physical punishment is ineffective and harmful to children and parents, and while providing negative consequences is a part of discipline (hopefully a small part), it is by no means the whole story. Discipline comes from the word ‘disciple’. It really means ‘to teach’.

That is the true goal of discipline: to teach children the rules of behaviour, as well as what society and other people expect of their behaviour, so that they grow up to be socially productive and personally fulfilled individuals. Achieving that delicate balance is the art of disciplining children.

Important to preserve sense of self-worth

Of course, you could create a harsh system of controls and punishments so that, like good little robots, your children would behave perfectly most of the time. But what would be the effect on the child's spirit, on his sense of self-worth, on his personal happiness, or on his feelings toward others?

On the other hand, you can imagine a child whose every whim is slavishly indulged and whose every action, good or bad, is lavishly praised. Such a child might have a certain measure of happiness, but most people wouldn't want to get within three metres of him. Your delicate task is to teach your child the how and the why of acceptable behaviour, but never at the expense of his sense of self-worth and optimism.

Strict or casual discipline?

This looms as a big question for many new parents, although most find their own balance in a little while. For a few parents it remains a worrisome question, no matter how much experience they've had.

Another word used for casual discipline is ‘permissiveness’, but I hesitate to use it because it means different things to different people. To some it implies merely an easygoing, casual style of management. But to others it means foolishly overindulging a child – letting him do or have anything he wants – and this is apt to produce an obnoxious, spoiled, rude child.

I don't believe that strictness or casualness is the real issue. Good-hearted parents who aren't afraid to be firm when it is necessary can get good results with either moderate strictness or moderate casualness. On the other hand, a strictness that comes from harsh feelings or an excessive permissiveness that is timid or vacillating can lead to poor results.

The real issue is what spirit the parent puts into managing the child and what attitude is instilled in the child as a result.

Strictness

Expecting reasonable behaviour from children means parents need to be kind, moderately strict, flexible, and have consistent expectations.

Strictness is fine so long as the parents are basically kind and so long as the children are growing up happy and friendly. But strictness is harmful when parents are overbearing, harsh, and chronically disapproving or when they make no allowances for a child's age and individuality. This kind of severity produces children who are either meek and colourless or mean-spirited.

Parents who have an easygoing style of management can also raise children who are considerate and cooperative. Such parents may be satisfied with casual manners as long as the child's attitude is friendly; and they may happen not to be particularly strict – for instance, about promptness or neatness. The key is, they are not afraid to be firm about those matters that do seem important to them.

Permissiveness: angry parents, unhappy kids

When parents get unhappy results from too much permissiveness, it is not so much because they demand too little, though this is part of it. It is more because they are timid or guilty about what they ask or because they are unconsciously encouraging the child to rule the roost.

If parents are too hesitant in asking for reasonable behaviour – because they have misunderstood theories of self-expression, because they are self-sacrificing by nature, or because they are afraid of making their children dislike them – they can't help resenting the bad behaviour that comes instead. They keep getting angry underneath without really knowing what to do about it.

This bothers their children too. It is apt to make them feel guilty and scared, but it can also make them meaner and all the more demanding. If, for example, toddlers acquire a taste for staying up in the evening and the parents are afraid to deny them this pleasure, they may turn into disagreeable tyrants who keep their mothers and fathers awake for hours.

Parents are bound to dislike them for their tyranny. If parents can learn to be firm and consistent in their expectations, it's amazing how fast the children will sweeten up and the parents will, too.

In other words, parents can't feel right toward their children in the long run unless they can make them behave reasonably, and children can't be happy unless they are behaving reasonably.

Firm but friendly discipline

A child needs to feel that his mother and father, however agreeable, have their own rights. They know how to be firm and won't let him be unreasonable or rude. He likes them better that way. Their firmness trains him from the beginning to get along reasonably with other people.

Spoiled children are not happy creatures even in their own homes. And when they get out into the world, whether it's at age two or four or six, they are in for a rude shock. They find that nobody is willing to kowtow to them. They learn, in fact, that everybody dislikes them for their selfishness. Either they must go through life being unpopular, or they must learn the hard way how to be agreeable.

Conscientious parents often let a child take advantage of them for a while – until their patience is exhausted – and then turn on the child crossly. But neither of these stages is really necessary.

If parents have a healthy self-respect, they can stand up for themselves while they are still feeling friendly. For instance, if your daughter insists that you continue to play a game after you are exhausted, don't be afraid to say cheerfully but definitely, 'I'm all tired out. I'm going to read a book now, and you can read your book, too'.

Or maybe she is refusing to get out of the wagon or tricycle of another child who has to take it home now. Try to interest her in something else, but don't feel that you must go on being sweetly reasonable forever. Lift her out of the wagon or tricycle even if she yells for a minute.

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