If your school-age child is being bullied, it’s important to take it seriously and step in quickly. You and your child’s teachers need to work together to stop the bullying.
Bullying at school
Bullying can be devastating for children’s confidence and self-esteem.
If your child is being bullied, she needs lots of guidance, love and support, both at home and wherever the bullying is happening. Your child also needs to know that you’ll take action to prevent any further bullying.
Talking with your child about the bullying
If your child is being bullied, one of the best ways to help him is to listen and talk about the bullying. It’s also a good way to find out more before you talk to the teacher about it.
Here’s how to get started:
Listen: give your child your full attention and consider talking in a quiet space. Ask your child simple questions, then listen to the answers. Try saying things like, ‘So what happened next?’ and ‘What did you do then?’
Stay calm: this is a chance to show your child how to solve problems. If you feel angry or anxious, wait until you feel calm before you discuss the situation with your child or with others.
Summarise the problem: you could say something like, ‘So you were sitting on your own eating your lunch. Then Sam came up and took your lunch box and threw it across the playground’.
Let your child know it’s normal to feel upset: help your child to understand that her feelings are normal. For example, ‘No wonder you’re feeling so sad about this’.
Make sure your child knows it’s not his fault: for example, ‘It didn’t happen because you wear glasses. Jo might have been upset about something happening at home. But that’s no excuse for it.’
The next step is showing your child that you care and will help:
Agree that there’s a problem: for example, ‘It’s not OK for someone to treat you like that’.
Praise your child: telling you about the bullying might not have been easy for your child. Praise will encourage her to keep sharing problems with you. For example, ‘I’m really pleased that you’ve told me about this’.
Make it clear that you’ll help: for example, ‘It sounds like things haven’t been so good. Let’s think about some things we could do to make it better’.
Avoid negative comments: it won’t help to say things like, ‘You need to stand up for yourself’ or ‘You poor thing. Never mind, you can stay home’.
And if your child understands why some children bully, it might help him realise the situation isn’t his fault. For example, you could tell your child that the bully might:
- be copying other people, and not know that bullying is wrong
- not know how to be nice to other people
- have a problem and think that making other people feel bad will make things better.
Working with your child’s teacher to sort out the bullying
If your child is being bullied, get the help of your child’s teacher and school as quickly as you can.
Schools take bullying extremely seriously, and all Australian schools have policies related to bullying. Your school will assess the situation with you. Schools will always focus first on protecting the victim.
Your first step is talking with your child’s classroom teacher. Your child’s teacher will be trained in spotting and handling bullying and can work with you to prevent further bullying.
Also, your child needs to know that you’re working on the problem, so make sure that you tell her you’ll talk to the teacher about it.
Here’s how to work with your child’s classroom teacher to stop bullying:
- Make a time to speak privately with the teacher.
- Calmly present your concerns as a joint issue for you both to deal with. For example, ‘Sam says Tyler is hitting him at lunch time, calling him names and telling the other kids not to play with him. I’d like your help to find out what’s happening and what we can do about it’.
- Discuss the problem with the teacher. Ask for the teacher’s views. You could also ask for a copy of the school’s anti-bullying policies and procedures.
- Be assertive, not angry or accusatory. For example, ‘Yes, children do tease sometimes. But I don’t agree this was just teasing. I think it’s more serious’.
- End the meeting with a plan for how the situation will be managed. For example, ‘You’re going to talk to the other teachers about this so they can watch the children carefully in the playground at lunch time. And we’re going to talk again next week’.
- Keep in touch with the teacher.
What if your child doesn’t want you to talk with the teacher?
Your child might not want you to talk to the teacher. Your child might be embarrassed or worried that it will make the bullying worse.
It’s important to listen to your child’s concerns and see whether there’s anything you can do to make her less worried. For example, you might be able to make an appointment at the school at a time when other students are less likely to notice.
But in the end, you’re the best person to decide what’s in your child’s best interests, even if that means involving the teacher against his wishes.
Contacting the bully or the bully’s parents directly is likely to make the situation worse. It’s always safer and more productive to work with the school (or any other organisation where bullying is happening) than to try to solve bullying on your own.
If the bullying doesn’t stop
If the bullying doesn’t stop even after you’ve spoken to the classroom teacher, it’s still safest to work through the school.
Here are some further steps you can take:
Keep a record of what happens and when. If the bullying involves physical harm or damage to your child’s property, you could also take photos. If it involves cyberbullying, take screenshots of the social media posts or text messages.
- Write a note to the classroom teacher saying that the bullying is still going on. Ask for your concern to be addressed in writing.
- Speak to the school principal.
- Ask to see the school’s grievance procedure.
- Request a meeting to discuss the matter with the school board.
- Seek further advice from your school’s regional office.
It takes time to change behaviour, so you might not see overnight results.
If your child is still being bullied and you don’t think the school is doing enough to stop it, you might need to consider looking for another school with a better record of addressing bullying. If the bullying behaviour is extreme, there might also be reasons to look for help outside the school system.
Support outside the school system
If the bullying is violent, if criminal offences have occurred, or if you think the school has treated you unfairly or unreasonably, you might consider some of these options:
- Seek legal advice.
- Tell the police.
- Apply to the Children’s Court for a restraining order against the bully.
- Contact the education department or your state or territory ombudsman to make a complaint.
What your child can do to cope with bullying
If your child is being bullied, you should always step in. But your child can also learn ways to cope with the bullying when it’s happening. This can help her to handle any future bullying or negative social behaviour. It will also help your child feel more confident and less powerless about being bullied.
Here are some ideas, along with ways to explain the ideas to your child:
Ignore it and think about moving away if the bullying continues: ‘You physically move away from children who are teasing or bullying’.
Tell the bully to stop: ‘Standing up to bullies in a calm way lets them know that what they’re trying to do isn’t working’.
Avoid high-risk places: ‘If you keep away from places where bullying happens, you can avoid bullies – as long as this doesn’t stop you from doing things you like to do’.
Stay around other people: ‘If you stay with your friends, the bully probably won’t bother you. Or you could stay in a busier part of the school where there are teachers’.
Ask other children for help: ‘Other children probably understand what you’re going through and can help you if you need it. Bullies are less likely to strike if they can see that you have backup’.
Tell the teacher: ‘Your teacher can help you deal with the problem. The bully might not even know that the teacher is helping you. Bullying can be hard to handle, and grown-ups are there to help’.
You could also talk with your child about the best strategy for his situation. For example, if a bully is calling your child names, your child might tell the bully to stop. But if the bully is being physically violent, it might be best to tell a teacher.
Supporting your child at home
At home your child needs lots of support and love while you and the classroom teacher work on stopping the bullying at school.
You could aim to have a time each day when you chat with your child about the good and bad parts of her day. Rather than always asking about bullying, you can ask more general questions like ‘What was the most fun part of your day?’
Sometimes professional support might help your child deal with bullying. You could talk to your GP or the school counsellor for more information.
What if your child is the one doing the bullying? It can be hard to understand and accept, but there are things you can do if your child is bullying others