How to talk to kids about sexual abuse

Talking with children about child sexual abuse: why it’s important

Talking about child sexual abuse with your child or a child in your care can help to keep your child safe.

That’s because talking helps your child understand what sexual abuse is and gives your child language to talk about it. Also, open and honest conversations send the message that your child can always talk to you and that you’ll listen no matter what.

All children have the right to grow up safe from abuse. Talking with children about sexual abuse is part of creating safe environments that help children grow and thrive.

How to talk about child sexual abuse

You can start with conversations about bodies, respectful relationships, consent, touching, and other topics. It’s best to use language your child can understand.

For young children, you might talk about body parts and help them learn the correct names for their genitals.

For older children, you could find out how your child’s school teaches topics like sexual health and personal safety. You could follow up on this information at home.

Books are also a great way to start conversations about child sexual abuse. You could try these suggestions:

Everyone’s got a bottom by Tess Rowley
My body belongs to me by Jill Starishevsky and Angela Padron
Some secrets should never be kept by Jayneen Sanders and Craig Smith
Let’s talk about body boundaries, consent & respect by Jayneen Sanders and Sarah Jennings
Someone should have told me by Holly-ann Martin and Marilyn Fahie
My underpants rule! by Kate and Rod Power
No difference between us by Jayneen Sanders
Milly’s Message by Liz Walker
My Body is Private by Linda Walvoord Girard.

You don’t have to talk about all aspects of child sexual abuse at once. You can come back to conversations later. It’s best to introduce one thing at a time and give your child time to understand it before moving on.

Listening to children’s concerns

Sometimes when you’re talking, your child might tell you things or share concerns. It’s important to listen to your child and believe them, even if what they’re saying is hard to understand.

If you child shares concerns, here’s what to do:

Repeat what your child has said to check you understand. For example, ‘You don’t like it when Mrs R gives you a hug?’ or ‘You think Mr B is acting weird?’
Tell your child what to do if it happens again. For example, ‘It’s OK to say no or move away when Mrs R tries to give you a hug and you don’t like it’.
Let your child know that they’ve done the right thing. For example, ‘Telling me about this is the right thing to do. It’s not OK for people to do something to you that makes you feel uncomfortable. I can help if you want me to’.

Saying ‘no’: helping children stand up for themselves

It’s never a child’s responsibility to protect themselves from abuse. But learning they can say no to unwanted touch or activity helps them stand up for themselves and set their own boundaries.

It’s OK for your child to say no and move away if they don’t want to be tickled, kissed, hugged or touched by an adult or another child, or if they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. It’s OK even if the person has been nice to your child, or they’re a person in authority like a teacher, coach or grandparent.

It’s also important for your child to accept it when other people say no to unwanted touch or behaviour. Respecting other peoples’ personal boundaries is part of learning to ask for respect for your own boundaries.

It can help to practise these situations. For example, you could get your child to practise saying no politely if they don’t want to do something. And then practise a louder, more assertive ‘No!’ if it doesn’t stop and they feel unsafe. And let your child know that in an emergency, it’s OK for them to yell for help.

Feeling unsafe: helping children recognise early warning signs

Children’s bodies give them early warning signs when something is wrong, they feel uncomfortable, or they don’t feel safe. These signs can happen in many unsafe situations. Helping your child to recognise these warning signs is part of helping them to recognise unsafe situations.

For example, for younger children, you might say, ‘When you feel unsafe, you might feel like you have butterflies in your tummy, your heart might beat fast, your body might feel hot or shaky, or you might feel like you have jelly legs’.

For older children, you might say, ‘When you feel unsafe your heart might pound, your muscles might feel tense or tight, your hands might be sweaty, you might get goosebumps or feel hot, or you might feel like you’re going to be sick’.

Feeling unsafe: what to do
It’s OK and important for children to act on early warning signs. For example, you could say, ‘If you’re with someone and have these feelings, it’s OK to go somewhere else and be with someone else so you feel safe. It’s also important to tell me about how you felt, so I can help you stay safe’.

Your child needs 4-5 trusted adults they can talk to about feeling unsafe. These could be trusted family, friends or teachers, who know they’re part of your child’s network. Let your child know that it’s important to keep telling their trusted people until someone listens and helps them feel safe.

Inappropriate touch: helping children understand their personal boundaries

Your child needs to know that their body is their own. When your child understands this, they can also understand that it’s wrong for other people to touch their body, ask to see private parts of their body, or take photos or videos of their body, particularly their genitals.

For younger children, you might say, ‘Your body belongs to you. No-one can touch or see your body without a good reason. If a grown-up or older child wants to touch or see your vagina (or penis) or show you theirs, that’s not OK. Even if it’s someone you know, it’s still not OK. You should tell me or someone you trust straight away, even if they ask you to keep it a secret’.

For older children, you might say, ‘Your body belongs to you. No-one can touch or ask to see your vagina (or penis) or anus without a good reason. If someone wants to see or touch your vagina (or penis) or show you theirs, it’s important that you tell someone straight away. You should tell someone even if it’s a person you know and like, and even if they ask you to keep it a secret’.

Let your child know about ‘good reasons’. For example, ‘A doctor or nurse might ask to see or touch your body when you’re sick. That’s a good reason, but only if I’m there too’.

It’s a good idea to use correct names for body parts like vulva, vagina, clitoris, nipples, penis, scrotum, testicles, anus and bottom. This means that your child will have language to communicate clearly about their body.

Surprises and unsafe secrets: helping children understand the difference

People who sexually abuse children need the abuse to be a secret. You can help your child stay safe by helping them understand the difference between surprises and unsafe secrets.

For younger children, here’s how you could explain the difference:

Surprises – ‘Surprises are good, like when Nanna tells you what she’s getting your sister for her birthday. This is a surprise for your sister. Everyone will find out about the surprise on your sister’s birthday. You might feel excited about the surprise.’
Unsafe secrets – ‘Some secrets might make you feel worried, like if a friend tells you that they’re going to take something that doesn’t belong to them, and you can’t ever tell anyone. Secrets can make people feel unhappy and yucky. You need to tell me or another adult you trust. We can decide how to help you with the yucky feelings.’

For older children, here’s how you could explain the difference:

Surprises – ‘You only have to stay quiet about surprises for a short time. They usually make people happy, and everyone knows about the surprise in the end, like a surprise birthday party.’
Unsafe secrets – ‘Unsafe secrets might make you feel worried or uncomfortable. The person telling you might ask you to keep it a secret from everyone, including me. You need to tell me or another adult you trust.’

Safe and unsafe places and situations: helping children recognise them

It’s a good idea to talk with your child about what makes places and situations safe or less safe.

Children can’t always recognise safe and unsafe places, so it’s best to talk about how different places make them feel. You could ask your child, ‘Where do you feel happy and know that you’ll be safe? What does it look like? Who is there? Why does it make you feel safe?’

Different children will have different safe places. So it’s always best to get your child talking about the particular places they feel safe.

It can also help to talk with your child about what to do in potentially unsafe situations and practise what they’d do and say. For example:

‘What would you do if someone you don’t know wanted you to help them look for their dog?’
‘What would you do if you felt uncomfortable in a public toilet?’
‘What would you do if an adult or another child you know and like did something that made you feel yucky or scared?’
‘What would you do if someone you don’t know started messaging you on social media, even if they said they were a child?’
‘What would you do if someone on the internet asked you to send naked photos of yourself and said they would hurt you if you didn’t?’
‘What would you do if someone touched your body in a way that you didn’t think was OK?’

Talking about child sexual abuse with children with disability

If your child has disability, you might need to adapt conversations to suit their communication preferences and cognitive, emotional and developmental needs. For example, it can be good to talk often and keep conversations short and focused.

Your child’s GP, occupational therapist or speech pathologist, or another professional who works with your child, can guide you through these conversations.

Children can be at risk of sexual abuse on the internet. You can protect your child from online sexual abuse by talking with them about online safety for preschoolers, online safety for school-age children and online safety for pre-teens. Precautions against grooming are also important.